CMAs

I have those days, weeks, months when I feel/hope that something amazing is going to happen.  As much as a realist as I am, I am a random dreamer as well.

-No Justin, we aren't using a credit card to buy that guitar. 

- Sorry babe, we can't quit our jobs and move to Hawaii to be sail boat instructors.

-No Bram, our apartments don't allow giraffes as pets.

BUT, for some reason whenever I watch the CMA's I think next year, Justin will be there.  I walk through Von Maur looking at the beautiful dresses and wonder which one I will wear.  Sometimes I grab one off the rack and do a quick twirl while Justin smirks and keeps on walking.  It's a strange twist to our very specific "role" marriage.  I am the "matter of fact" mentality and he is the guy driving around to find the end of the rainbow (remember that day, babe?)  And because of his humility and my desire for him to do what he loves, our roles just flip in this setting.  

He doesn't want to get disappointed and I want to get excited.

These past 3 months I have not been in a great place.  We have had to make some decisions that were not difficult but challenging.  I have felt the tides of change for some time now lingering above and I think when they crash down, I will be refreshed. 

 Patience for me is hard. 

 Patience for a few days, I get anxious.......weeks, nervous wreck...but years.  Years of, "Come on Lord, what's next?  Seriously now, just give us an answer...open a door."  I do believe that when the Spirit abides within, the Lord prepares us and sometimes I do wonder if this feeling is His way of allowing the tide to crash down and give me some refreshment amongst the ??? stage.  Just resigning our lease was like pulling teeth, seems like something simple, but we just didn't know what the wise thing to do was.  And then there are the questions that just creep into my mind on a weekly basis.

"What's the best way to save?"

"What's cheaper, Walmart or Target?"

"Why are my feelings hurt so easily?"

"Is the baby okay?"

"Did we make the right decision by resigning our lease?"
"Are we truly trusting in the Lord?"  

"Am I being nicer to Lucy than Bram?"

"Did one get more attention than the other today?"
 "Am I working so that we have a relationship outside our kids?"

"What if I can't give anymore...what if it's been sucked out of me?"
"Can I make it through this month?"

"Do I have any hobbies?"

"Anything exciting happening soon?????"

Because my imagination can be so fiercely wonderful sometimes, dreaming about who knows what is my excitement for the day.  A day filled with wake-up, breakfast, clean-up breakfast, play, nap, change diapers, change clothes, play, lunch, clean-up lunch, play, (tired), more diapers, nap, pick-up toys, laundry, groceries, dinnertime, clean-up dinner, (home stretch) baths, PJ's, brush teeth, read stories, pray, tickle and snuggle.....that dreamer mentality is for me, in that moment. 

I am not in denial, I understand that we may need to be patient for years more and that serious questions need to have serious talks and answers, but until then, I will continue to pull off the Von Maur dresses and Justin will continue to tell me that I always pick out the "old lady" dresses there and I will twirl and dream and wait.