I understand that a 4 year old is not considered a "baby", but Bram is our first born and it's really hard to flip that switch.
J and I usually find ourselves laughing at most of what comes out of his mouth and he has the most amazing facial expressions when he tells a story but sometimes we catch a glimpse of his child like innocence that is humbling.
Over Christmas break, I was in this rut I felt like I was waiting on something to happen, maybe something exciting..I don't know exactly...but I do know my initial feeling was "blah". I can tell when I start to withdrawal from people/events and my emotions are edgy and full of discontent that my spiritual growth isn't at its peak. I felt like I was being attacked in different ways, through words or actions that may have appeared to be petty but vulnerable moments, for myself, are typically a result of a rawness that I cannot control. And may I add that I am surrounded by a husband that loves me deeply and friends that truly care for me, but this was a healthy reminder that others are not here to fill any voids that I could have very well produced myself. Even when I feel like my marriage is running smoothly, my kids are behaving great and our bank account is at a comfortable status, I should not feel complete because of those circumstantial moments.
The truth is:
I will disappoint.
We will disappoint.
People, in general well.......disappoint.
We are not wired to fulfill others, make their hearts whole or give them the strength to carry on through their days. Thankfully, we have different roles and talents that we can use to provide encouragement and through community life, we can do our best to love.
During this break, Bram yelled from the dining room, "hey mom, God is here!"
The part that breaks my heart the most is that my acknowledgement towards Bram was one of laziness and a simple glance in his direction. I cried yesterday thinking of the fact that I possibly looked right through my Savior with my selfish blinders on and how I missed a wonderful moment with Bram.
Yes Bram, even your momma will disappoint.
So on an cold January morning, while I was wasting my day and watching The View, God was here and I chose to miss out on a day with the ultimate void filler.
I will work hard to not make that mistake again.
