With 3 children under our wings and our youngest being over two, we have been asked the question, "when is the next baby?" 

Because I appreciate others asking about our lives and loving on our children, that question doesn't bother me at all. It's wonderful having people that care and love enough to ask us "what's next" whatever that may be.

The truth is, I am satisfied with our family ratio.  I went into the beginning of our pregnancy with Zaza with the mindset that this was my last pregnancy, labor & delivery, infant, hospital visits...this was the last of those very specific, celebratory, joyous times.  In my heart, I feel a complete confidence with where we are at with our family and the number of family members that I am personally responsible for.  I understand that I have a working uterus and eggs that continue to drop. Trust me, I experience the aftermath on a monthly basis.  

The biggest struggle for me has been to admit that all of my reasons for having a fourth child are completely narcissistic.   

For me personally, there are most definite times during past pregnancies that I have felt a validation as a person, woman, contributor to society, bringer of newness (not an actual thing)....the truth is, I have felt the most important when I am pregnant or have a newborn to introduce.  People become a little more helpful, Facebook is a little more "likey", family and friends become a little more engaged and considerate...it's fun, exciting, and for a moment, I feel like I am giving something to the people I am needing the most affirmation from.  It's a brand newness that is immediately surrounded by an incredible, unwarranted love. 

When we decided that Zaza was our last, I was worried about having nothing else to contribute. I worried that that delicate time where others were eager....oh so eager to help, was over. That my Facebook likes and smiley lovey eyes would lessen because kids are not as adorable as babies.

We ARE pregnant!!!!  *Facebook likes & comments = Janna validated

It's a boy/girl!!  *Facebook likes & comments = Janna validated

Baby is here! *Facebook likes & comments = Janna validated

It was a struggle because my heart felt fulfilled but something within my head said that the days of extra help and maybe love and attention were redirected.  I was worried people wouldn't ask me how I was feeling or if I was sleeping through the night.  I have had several sleepless nights that were not due to restless babies,  

What if I am only as good as the next baby I have? I worried that with every passing baby, jealously would just well up inside me because my baby days were done and I would just be thrown to the side. What if the woman (me) behind the baby isn't as neat as the baby?

However, my sister-in-law gave birth a few weeks ago.  This is one of the first births of someone I am personally close to where I haven't had a baby of my own.  Which means that I have energy...a LOT of energy and time to give to this baby and the mama.  I am not too far removed to remember how exhausted I felt but far enough removed to not be that exhausted.  Instead of feeling an ache within myself to just have another baby because I am holding a baby, I feel a genuine desire to just enjoy the time.  It's been a realization that being a sister and an auntie is fulfilling and wonderful.

A shift happened in myself, where I became excited to help, visit and simply love my family without needing to compete.  These past few weeks have been so refreshing to my mommy soul because forever I will be a "mom" but only temporarily will I will be a mom to a newborn, toddler, middle schooler, teenager..... but through it all, we knew that three was the number we felt comfortable with. 

This is what I have to keep reminding myself:

-We both have decided that we want to be able to give the attention needed for each child and for us, this is our capacity.  In all honesty, 2 was our capacity but we can't really go backward now can we?
One of them we are just going to have to ignore...(oh relax, we ignore them all equally)

-We never want to have children due to difficult seasons within our personal relationship, a baby will never repair a marriage or circumstance(s).  I believe Joy is supernatural not circumstantial. 

-And I personally have realized that a baby will never fill a void within myself.  My own "baby validation issues" are something beyond pregnancy.  It's a recognition of something I need to work on within myself and also forming relationships that validate me for being just...me.

So go ahead, ask that mom with a 4 year old how she is feeling, truth is, her brain is probably fried from all of the world shattering questions her child keeps asking her.  Ask that mom with the student going off to college how her mommy heart is doing.  Ask that mom how her marriage is doing while juggling three children, work, life....
Ask that mom how she is doing as a woman.  Ask her what she is looking forward to for herself, ask her about the state of her soul, ask her about her dreams, ask her about her struggles.  Why do most women's eyes well up with tears when someone asks us about us....because it's rare.

There you have it, I have frequent narcissistic moments.  

*Lastly, if something happens where I do end up pregnant with a surprise baby, please do not shove this blog in my face.....that would be super uncool and I will unfriend you (and I may tweet something bad about you, like super bad...).

I would like to preface that I understand confidence is not built from the physical appearance, but to neglect the fact that more times that not, we look in the mirror and see things that we are unhappy with and sometimes things that don't even exist is ignorant.

I saw a picture of some college girls pop up on my Facebook feed a few weeks ago, as I am privileged to know some wonderful young women and I simply love following their lives' journey...even if it's through Facebook.
It was a picture of beautiful, bright-eyed young ladies. They all looked stunning. The comments below were each girl in the photo commenting on how either their arms looked fat, they looked intoxicated, they looked too tall (huh?), they accidentally stood too close to the skinniest girl (and we all know how that creates a false mirage)...so of course, I looked back at the picture to see what they might have seen.
I saw what I saw at first glance.
Confidence has been my word these past few weeks.  I had a mini melt down (don't all gasp at once) crying to Justin that basically I am "too old" to do anything that I ever wanted to do.  The Janna that wanted to go on Star Search or that practiced her smile and how she wanted to pump her arm with the award in hand.  And how my acceptance speech would just be something super cocky like, "I deserve this, it's about time. Sit down." Or how I practice my spin and smile like the Real Housewives. I've shown a few people and I think it's quite good.

Today while I was scrubbing my kitchen floors, I was trying to decide what confidence meant to me. People in general assume that when women want to be confident, a rally will take place and we are all of the sudden feminist.  I truly still don't even know what that word means. I am a female. I agree with the parts I was born with and I acknowledge they are there. See, I still don't know.

So here is my Monday's list of what confidence has and currently means to me:

Loving myself.  This is a battle I struggle with everyday.  I looked in the "skinny" mirror today (it literally elongates me, I don't know how) and told Justin how I wish this is what I looked like. I was totally posing and flipping my hair around.  I wasn't even fishing for a compliment..it's actually how I felt (feel).  Justin moved me to a different mirror and said this is how I like you.  I really have started training how my mind sees myself.  It's what us women are good at, we can point out our flaws in an instant and we think if we hurry up and do it it will be beat other people to the punch.  I refuse to let Sofia Vergara be the only confident woman in this world.

Becoming a pursuer of dreams.  Despite what Hollywood might tell you, my prime age was not 18. My age doesn't depict my capabilities.  Remembering that things do not come easy.  Work, work, work hard.  That hard work will pay off but for today, keep grinding through and continue to take pride in feeling like a super mom.

Confidence does not equal arrogance. So a beginning practice of me loving my outward appearance, aside from working on a bunch of yucky stuff on the inside, when people would compliment me I would mumble under my breath "I know." So my response to the "you look nice today" or "I like your hair" or "cute shirt" my response was always "I know".  Sounds pretty arrogant.  I get it.  But for me it was my two word phrase that was retraining my brain from the auto pilot of "ugh, I have a zit" or "I found a gray hair today though" or "this old thing, there's a hole under my armpit".  I would always deflect any compliment because receiving a compliment felt wrong, it felt....well....arrogant. Because confident women are not only those running a large company, accepting their Oscar, married to George Clooney...confident women can be anyone, anywhere.  I do believe true confidence starts from the inside and works it's way outward.  An infectious love for your uniquely created self.

Learning when to shut up.  I like to call myself "passionate".  It's how I excuse myself for losing my cool.  My husband has unfortunately seen the worst side of me when I become overly "passionate" (see what I did there).  However, with grace extended, he has also had a front row seat to my growth in this area.  There will be times when he will say, "I'm surprised you didn't say anything."  Oh, how I have learned that some times saying nothing holds more truth than opening my big mouth.

I believe women don't know how to respond to other women because we don't even know enough about ourselves. Social media for example...the few people that never like your profile pic or what you think to be your witty post...but they are quick to comment something sarcastic and a little hurtful when the opportunity arises.  Rest at ease, they don't have enough confidence in themselves so obviously it's not going to overflow to you.  AND then there are those wonderful women that are encouraging, that compliment other women, truly/genuinely excited for you when good things happen.  That's the goal, for myself.  I am still at the phase were some of this still feels forced but I know I am working on it, working to find the confident Janna that lies underneath the Star Search contestant hopeful, Brittney Spears BBF(ing), Today show guest, book writing Janna.

Refusing to drown in the dreams of my past and reach uncomfortably for the dreams of today.

Pictured below, one of the most confident woman I know...

I had this Valentine's day post all ready to go; however, I spent a lot of time painting and thinking today and I changed my mind.

These past few months, Justin and I have been dealing with some difficult things.  At the core, the issue does not lie within either of us about each other, but when any couple feels the weight of stress, frustration and hurt the tendency is that it overflows into daily life and typically, it's easier to hurt those closest.

I thought yesterday that Justin and I should do a project together.  In my head I imagined us engaging with each other and opening up all while keeping busy.  I forgot the hundreds of HGTV shows where couples did projects together that actually brought out the worst in them.  In our case, it began in silent painting...the sound of the constant brush motion along with the arthritis in my wrist flaring up. While I was sitting there I couldn't help but think that at any moment he was going to apologize for hurting my feelings because he was upset with someone else.

Paint. Dip. Paint.

At one point, I thought for sure he was crying thinking about how innocent I was in all of this.

Paint. Dip. Paint.

Okay...any moment he is going to start talking and just confess how in the wrong he was.

Paint. Dip. Paint.

Come to find out, I am quite sure he was thinking all of those thoughts, but in reverse.  Remind me next time when I send my kid to his/her room to think about what they have done.  Mostly likely they are thinking about how I handled it wrong.

I ended up breaking the silence.  As we talked, I kept thinking how much he hated the old paint color and that instead of just living with it, we chose to take the time to put work into it, to make it our own, to not just endure the mustard yellow walls that surrounded us every day. Same with our relationship with each other.  We will forever be making it our own, repainting when necessary and putting the day to day work into it.

What's interesting within both of our pain is that separately we are dealing with our own heartbreak in different areas of life and with that we are doing our best to navigate it together.  It's easy when one spouse is doing great and the other is down, the great picks the down up.  This is our first time where we both have felt down for a while waiting on the great to pick us up....where's the great???  Who is supposed to be the great this time??  Then we both end up laying there....waiting....too weak to pick the other up. You can lay on the floor forever, but you will never become a rug.

Personally, the past few months for me have been raw and emotional.  I have confided in a few but for me, it's better to not attempt to get the advice from too many people because instead of working through it myself, I fall too easily onto other people. This has been something that I have had to just work through, listen to others, pray, but ultimately go through all of the steps for myself. I think with all of the heavy processing going on in my head, when I get home it's easy for me to be a monster to Justin. I have to remind myself that it has nothing to do with him.  I think of the saying "hurt people, hurt people."

I am reading a book recommend by a new friend (that I stalked down in the clearance Valentine's day candy isle, just saying, you know it's a good woman when we met up there).  The author talks about how her and her husband are in South Bend and they decided to just leave all of their personal/internal junk there...in South Bend.
Justin and I agreed to do just that. That we were leaving years of mis-communication, hurtful words, prideful moments and arrogance at Lowes...in the tile aisle.

Since it's not natural for me to just let it go sometimes, I felt the need to bring it back up on the way home and so therefore we actually left our baggage on 650 but one more thing came up so technically the baggage of 10 years of unintentional or intentional hurt is sitting on Indigo Blue Blvd.  It cannot be picked up again, that's the rule.

There are times when you just have to let it go. That trying to figure it out or making it right just may not happen. Sometimes an answer and even an apology doesn't cut it. Will I get angry again about mostly stupid and petty stuff?  Of course. Will I get fired about things I am passionate about?  Yes and Yes. But I will always remember that the junk from yesterday and the days before are sitting on Indigo Blue Blvd.

I really love this new paint color.

Girls Will Be Girls

Being a woman is hard.

Never mind the fact that we can push a human out of our bodies, we also can bleed for 5 days and live to see the next week...we are actually quite amazing human beings.

Aside from the physical beauty that we endure...emotionally we are quite unpredictable and there are a few days that I don't even understand myself.  I wish I had the ability to wave a magic wand to prevent my girls from any weird "womanisms". I want to create an environment for my little loves that demonstrates what it is to be a woman that can love, embrace and encourage other women.

Don't be a Jealous Woman:  Be genuinely happy for people you love. We should get that same rush when something amazing happens to someone else that we get when it happens to ourselves. Don't devalue your own blessings by wanting someone else's. Chances are, you have something someone else wants.
Embrace what you have.
Do not let bitterness entangle your soul.

Become A Great Friend:  Focus on the friendships that you want to fight for. Some may not work out, and it may be something you will just have to mourn and then walk away from.  However, there are really great people in the world.  Amongst the chaos of what you may see or experience, I have met some of my favorite people in the midst of transition or heartache and they continue to hold my hand through the good and bad. Choose kindness and loyalty above all. You have to think outside of yourself.  Find out what your friends love and what you can do to make their day...be the friend that they need not the friend you expect them to be to you. What's the reward for that? Maybe nothing immediately, but I do believe it does a deep inner work within yourself over time.
Revenge, gossip- it's ugly on the inside and eventually will seep out. And as your mother, I will do my best to help redirect conversations we have about your peers. I truly care about your daily life and you will learn from how I respond to conversations about other people.  

Own Up:  When you mess up, like we all do, own it.  Be honest, come forward, even if no one else knows it.  Just own it.  Everyone makes mistakes and that's okay.  Release any internal desire to become defensive. 

Listen.

Internalize.

Even if you don't agree with the evaluation.  Process to see if there is any truth before rolling your eyes.  No one ever complained about the person who was too honest or forthcoming.  

Not Everyone Will Like You:  That's okay, honey.  Let go of trying to make everyone like you and cling to those who truly care about your daily life.  Chances are, you might lose the best by reaching towards the mediocre.  You can only hold on to so much.  Your number of friends doesn't give value to who you are. You have permission to disagree, you have permission to feel what may not be popular with everyone else, you have permission to go with your gut, you have permission to be bold, opinionated, loyal, a dreamer, a life long learner.

Social Media:  If this is even still a thing for you: Refrain from social media revenge.  You don't need to post quotes, blogs, or whatever else is out there as a method of revenge.  Be courageous and tell people how you feel.  Think the best of others, do your best to evaluate what they have going on in their life.

Need Him Not:  A boyfriend should not fill any void.  His presence or lack there of should not dictate your decisions, attitude, or self worth.  He should only enhance who you are. If for any reason, you find yourself a complete loser of a man...trust my ability to spot them quickly.  I have seen my fair share. I have complete confidence that the love your dad has shown you since day one will give you a clearer perspective on how any man in your life should treat you.   

Be Better Than I Am: I truly desire for you to be the best version of you possible.  I want you to be so much better than I am now.  I promise to celebrate with you, push you to your limits, let you cry, let you process with adults other than myself, laugh daily together, pick you up with no strings attached, leave behind any hurt you may cause, paint your toenails when you are pregnant...I will do my best to be a consistent and loving mama.

Lastly, choose the wedding dress YOU want.  And even when you walk out in your "perfect dress" that is green and black camouflaged which you had designed specifically for your hunter finance...I will hold in my opinion...

...to the best of my ability.

You girls are worth it.