I would like to preface that I understand confidence is not built from the physical appearance, but to neglect the fact that more times that not, we look in the mirror and see things that we are unhappy with and sometimes things that don't even exist is ignorant.

I saw a picture of some college girls pop up on my Facebook feed a few weeks ago, as I am privileged to know some wonderful young women and I simply love following their lives' journey...even if it's through Facebook.
It was a picture of beautiful, bright-eyed young ladies. They all looked stunning. The comments below were each girl in the photo commenting on how either their arms looked fat, they looked intoxicated, they looked too tall (huh?), they accidentally stood too close to the skinniest girl (and we all know how that creates a false mirage)...so of course, I looked back at the picture to see what they might have seen.
I saw what I saw at first glance.
Confidence has been my word these past few weeks.  I had a mini melt down (don't all gasp at once) crying to Justin that basically I am "too old" to do anything that I ever wanted to do.  The Janna that wanted to go on Star Search or that practiced her smile and how she wanted to pump her arm with the award in hand.  And how my acceptance speech would just be something super cocky like, "I deserve this, it's about time. Sit down." Or how I practice my spin and smile like the Real Housewives. I've shown a few people and I think it's quite good.

Today while I was scrubbing my kitchen floors, I was trying to decide what confidence meant to me. People in general assume that when women want to be confident, a rally will take place and we are all of the sudden feminist.  I truly still don't even know what that word means. I am a female. I agree with the parts I was born with and I acknowledge they are there. See, I still don't know.

So here is my Monday's list of what confidence has and currently means to me:

Loving myself.  This is a battle I struggle with everyday.  I looked in the "skinny" mirror today (it literally elongates me, I don't know how) and told Justin how I wish this is what I looked like. I was totally posing and flipping my hair around.  I wasn't even fishing for a compliment..it's actually how I felt (feel).  Justin moved me to a different mirror and said this is how I like you.  I really have started training how my mind sees myself.  It's what us women are good at, we can point out our flaws in an instant and we think if we hurry up and do it it will be beat other people to the punch.  I refuse to let Sofia Vergara be the only confident woman in this world.

Becoming a pursuer of dreams.  Despite what Hollywood might tell you, my prime age was not 18. My age doesn't depict my capabilities.  Remembering that things do not come easy.  Work, work, work hard.  That hard work will pay off but for today, keep grinding through and continue to take pride in feeling like a super mom.

Confidence does not equal arrogance. So a beginning practice of me loving my outward appearance, aside from working on a bunch of yucky stuff on the inside, when people would compliment me I would mumble under my breath "I know." So my response to the "you look nice today" or "I like your hair" or "cute shirt" my response was always "I know".  Sounds pretty arrogant.  I get it.  But for me it was my two word phrase that was retraining my brain from the auto pilot of "ugh, I have a zit" or "I found a gray hair today though" or "this old thing, there's a hole under my armpit".  I would always deflect any compliment because receiving a compliment felt wrong, it felt....well....arrogant. Because confident women are not only those running a large company, accepting their Oscar, married to George Clooney...confident women can be anyone, anywhere.  I do believe true confidence starts from the inside and works it's way outward.  An infectious love for your uniquely created self.

Learning when to shut up.  I like to call myself "passionate".  It's how I excuse myself for losing my cool.  My husband has unfortunately seen the worst side of me when I become overly "passionate" (see what I did there).  However, with grace extended, he has also had a front row seat to my growth in this area.  There will be times when he will say, "I'm surprised you didn't say anything."  Oh, how I have learned that some times saying nothing holds more truth than opening my big mouth.

I believe women don't know how to respond to other women because we don't even know enough about ourselves. Social media for example...the few people that never like your profile pic or what you think to be your witty post...but they are quick to comment something sarcastic and a little hurtful when the opportunity arises.  Rest at ease, they don't have enough confidence in themselves so obviously it's not going to overflow to you.  AND then there are those wonderful women that are encouraging, that compliment other women, truly/genuinely excited for you when good things happen.  That's the goal, for myself.  I am still at the phase were some of this still feels forced but I know I am working on it, working to find the confident Janna that lies underneath the Star Search contestant hopeful, Brittney Spears BBF(ing), Today show guest, book writing Janna.

Refusing to drown in the dreams of my past and reach uncomfortably for the dreams of today.

Pictured below, one of the most confident woman I know...