Fakebook

Last Sunday Justin suggested that I pick up some ice cream for the kids. I thought about the cute picture I would take while they were eating their ice cream on a Sunday evening....I could even do a cute little comment like "Lovin' Life" or "Perfect Kids".
As I drove to Target, I decided instead of posting the one picture where everyone is happy, I would take pictures of what the process took to get to the original picture I wanted to post. (with me here?)

   The parking space I wish I had.                                           How we all got into Target                                                                                                                        (this is why I usually go alone)

The distance from the ice cream to the front door...wowzer!

No popcorn this time.

                                                       








                                                 

 No.                                                                                                    No.

Let Go Lucy.

We have to wait until we get home to eat the ice cream.

                  I promise the ice cream is coming.                                                  

 My original picture.
"Sunday Ice Cream Fun"

                                                                                 Clean-up.


I love my kids.
 I love the mess and the chaos and the joy they bring...but facebook is funny, because you get to choose what others see and then we decide from that, that everyone's lives must be so much better or easier.

So just remember when you see Susie Homemaker posting pictures of the armoire she refurbished, all the meals made for the week, had adequate time with all of her children equally and ended off her Monday with her husband in a tickle fight, while you are fighting to get through your Monday and your goal is to at least get one load of laundry in and possibly wash your face or heaven forbid put a bra on......
I'm confident that the latter is more realistic.

(And don't think that this means that I won't be posting the cutesy pictures here and there, I just I thought this post might be a good reminder.)


Life is good just as it is.
Here's to you mamas.

Just a journal entry.

It's been a weird summer for the JJ Langebartels household....the stress over the past few months has made me a bit angry....and a tad bit extra angry at other times.

My prayer this morning:
Breath new life into me.  Uproot the anger and bitterness.  My way is not the way of everyone and is not necessarily the "right" way.  Drench me in grace.

From that two line prayer, I felt the Lord speak this over me:
First, choose forgiveness.
Cherish those that love you right.
Embrace those you don't always agree with.
Laugh with those that have unintentionally hurt you.
Love those that have treated you unfairly.

Release the seed of resentment and anger before it has a chance to entwine and root around your heart.  It's easy once the moment everything has been made right to forgive, but choose to forgive when you would rather stew and feel as if they do not deserve your forgiveness.  
I will show up there.

No more excuses, daughter.  Your reasoning for choosing anger-even when justified-will overshadow and deeply darken joy filled moments in your day.
Your heart is one of Justice but when improperly worked, it can be destroying.  Let me teach you what it means to seek Justice with love.

Today, surrender the anxiety.
Today, be joyous and thankful for all you have.
Today, be mindful that you cannot control tomorrow.
Today, embrace the husband that loves you and the beautiful children you get to raise.

Turn your eyes from all that you do not have.  

There is no amount of worry today that will help guide tomorrow.

Release your clinched fists, I would like to take control now.

Trust me.




I'm ready.

It's Not About the Sandals

Two posts in one week is unlike me, but this conversation has come twice this week.

When people hear the name Jesus, different first words come to mind.
Love
Death
Sandals
God's Son
"Just" a good man

Healer-Don't be scared off by the scripture...I'm not preaching.
At sunset, the people brought to Jesus all who had various kinds of sickness, and laying his hands on each one, he healed them.-Luke 4:40
Jesus was the ultimate healer in the new testament.  At almost every gathering, Jesus healed someone.  It was prophesied that He would come and heal, and He did.

When I was young, my mamaw was very sick and I remember praying that the Lord would heal her.  At that age, it wasn't a question in my mind. From my knowledge of the Lord, you asked, believed and He would heal. When she passed away it was my first experience of disappointment in the Lord.

Healing in the new testament seemed to be rooted in faith for the most part. When Jesus would ask, "Do you have faith?" the people would cry out "Yes! Yes!" But I do wonder in their minds....in the back of their minds were they concerned about the healing not happening like they wanted it and that the outcome could possibly be.....death?

I had a conversation with one of my best friends this week about healing.  It was a conversation that opened up a struggle for us both asking where is the healing?  We talked about how we felt like it should be more common and not a rarity and how we have both seen many people die of diseases after hundreds, thousands and I'm sure sometimes, millions of people come in agreement in prayer.  I've been reading a blog about a man who is sick and they are asking, claiming and believing in healing.  I see his wife curled up on his bed beside him and my heart aches.
Heal him, please.  

Do I believe that God raises things out of death?  Yes
That His knowledge and understanding is more than my tiny brain can grasp?  Yes
That death is sometimes just the consequence of our actions and sins?  Yes
That God knew the power of death and that is why the Easter season is so celebrated because death is overcome and we should long for the days of the Kingdom?  Yes
Is it still hard to understand and grasp?  Yes

I want to see more healing.  Justin and I were talking about it and just asking questions back and forth to one another.  He was asking why we don't see it as much.  Some blame our American culture and that we don't rely on God or have the faith needed, which I am personally not in complete agreement with but I understand that it's hard to be reached when you have everything.  Justin questioned the lack of time given and dedicated to prayer and alone time....which at this season is dare I say, difficult.
And as stupid as this sounds I wonder, doesn't He know that people would then believe, that it would be a testament of His love and that He is alive....that He is real?  Where is the healing?  Where is the healing through prayer?  Where is the spontaneous healing that happens instantly in someone's living room while a small group is in prayer?
I don't believe it needs to be a spectacle or only happen on a Sunday morning or within the walls of the pastor's office. Some of the best work the Lord has done in me has been by ourselves, on a random Thursday, in my living room.

I do laugh to myself wondering if the Lord is saying, death is just the beginning.  This earth cannot even compare, it's like wanting Folgers over Starbucks. (that was the best I could do for now)
I just know, that if someone I loved needed life saving healing, I would pray for healing and pray that they could withstand the Folgers a little longer and trust that the Lord would/could/can heal.

As hard as it is to understand the whys , I will always put all my chips on the Lord.

I'm the one in the corner.

Maternity leave....6 weeks in.

Justin took Bram and Lucy to Target and when the door shut behind him I had a mini movie moment where I leaned up against the wall and just took a deep breath and listened to the quietness.  

This time 6 weeks ago I was experiencing what I knew was the beginning of labor pains.

Little Liza kept us up all night and decided to wait until the following morning to arrive.  She is best known for her thick jet black hair and beautiful olive skin.  Wow, she is gorgeous.  I love to sit and just smell her babyness and look at her tiny features.    

With each baby is a new feeling, experience, amazement and love.  We quickly became a family of five and with all that love, a lot of work was soon to follow. 

 Let's be perfectly honest, behind all the cute facebook pictures are all-nighters, crying (Liza too), diapers (and diapers and diapers and diapers), rocking, laundry, spit-up and bra-less days.

It's been a rough 6 weeks for me personally.  

The transition from two to three has been quite difficult.  I don't know how to pass out my attention equally and still remain sane.  I find that my days consist of apologizing(I will never be too proud to apologize to my child) for losing it, missing out on small moments because I just don't have the stamina or patience, worrying that I'm damaging them in some way, having the pity "is this my life" moments and wishing that someone would just come over and take over so I can sit in the corner and cry.

I know kids will have issues at different points but I just want them to dodge the "major" bullets.  We have some specific things we would never want to see our own children go through so within that process it's like trying to fix something before it's even broken.  

"Are they getting enough mommy time?"

"Are they getting enough daddy time?"

"Are they getting enough mommy and daddy time?"

"Are we getting enough time away?"

The ultimate goal I assume is raising them the best we can so that they grow up to continue the legacy that we will someday leave behind.  

Love is exhausting.

I just want to be told that I'm doing okay from someone other than the Johnson & Johnson commercial.

So, from one mom to another (who on most days is wearing yesterdays make-up and can't remember the last time I washed my hair), you're doing okay.      

From the Breath of A Baby

I understand that a 4 year old is not considered a "baby", but Bram is our first born and it's really hard to flip that switch.
J and I usually find ourselves laughing at most of what comes out of his mouth and he has the most amazing facial expressions when he tells a story but sometimes we catch a glimpse of his child like innocence that is humbling.
Over Christmas break, I was in this rut   I felt like I was waiting on something to happen, maybe something exciting..I don't know exactly...but I do know my initial feeling was "blah".  I can tell when I start to withdrawal from people/events and my emotions are edgy and full of discontent that my spiritual growth isn't at its peak. I felt like I was being attacked in different ways, through words or actions that may have appeared to be petty but vulnerable moments, for myself, are typically a result of a rawness that I cannot control.  And may I add that I am surrounded by a husband that loves me deeply and friends that truly care for me, but this was a healthy reminder that others are not here to fill any voids that I could have very well produced myself.  Even when I feel like my marriage is running smoothly, my kids are behaving great and our bank account is at a comfortable status, I should not feel complete because of  those circumstantial moments.

The truth is:
I will disappoint.
We will disappoint.
People, in general well.......disappoint.

We are not wired to fulfill others, make their hearts whole or give them the strength to carry on through their days.  Thankfully, we have different roles and talents that we can use to provide encouragement and through community life, we can do our best to love.

During this break, Bram yelled from the dining room, "hey mom, God is here!"
The part that breaks my heart the most is that my acknowledgement towards Bram was one of laziness and a simple glance in his direction.  I cried yesterday thinking of the fact that I possibly looked right through my Savior with my selfish blinders on and how I missed a wonderful moment with Bram.

Yes Bram, even your momma will disappoint.

So on an cold January morning, while I was wasting my day and watching The View, God was here and I chose to miss out on a day with the ultimate void filler.

I will work hard to not make that mistake again.

30 & Thriving

30 years down, 70 to go.

Am I where I pictured myself at 30?  

No.

There are milestones that I feel like a 30 year old with 2 1/2 kids would have reached by now, but we have a long life ahead of us so what's the rush and I wouldn't change the compromises we have made because we feel like the Lord is preparing us and patience produces integrity.

Much of my personality hasn't changed much since I was a child, I'm sure my parents could attest to that.  I used to stand in front of the television and do the weather for my parents using a candle stick for my microphone.  When Justin asked my dad to marry me, my dad reminded Justin that I was a college student who still put my papers on the refrigerator.  I appreciate affirmation and I see that in Lucy.  

Quite goofy and bossy (so I have been told).  Mom said that one day I was standing on a piece of furniture bossing my brothers and  parents around and mom stopped and said, "she is just standing there bossing us around and we are all doing it."  

It never took much for me to stop and put on a performance, a good commercial, impression, or just dressing up out of pure boredom.  Sadly, Justin now lives with this.    

I love to celebrate and that's why I love the Holiday season so much.  Lights, music, festivities, gatherings, Christmas movies, food, excitement.  Last year I came home in early November to find that Justin had put up the Christmas tree.  Bram loves to celebrate just as much as I do.  Whenever we go to Target, he asks if we can walk through the isles of (yes, already) Christmas lights.  I think it's important to slow down and allow him to find the beauty in simplicity.  

I love making memories with our family.  

I love how Lucy pulls up her stool in the bathroom while I am putting my make-up on and just watches me.  I remember watching my dad shave in the mornings so many times and how their bedroom and bathroom where rarely off limits.  Strangely, I found comfort in that.  I remember wondering one time if Justin thought it was strange that my entire family was sitting in my parents bedroom as like the "hang out" place.  We would joke that once a boyfriend or girlfriend saw my mom in her underwear that they were the one, which wasn't the truth because most of my boyfriends either surprised my mom in her undies or caught her running away...in her undies.  

As every year passes, I assume the goal is to understand myself better and work on things.

I am learning that sometimes it's better to not comment on things, even if my advice is being asked.  For the most part, when I have remained silent, I have done my best work.  (work in progress here)

When people are in pain, the voice of "reason" is not always the most effective.  

Give even when it doesn't seem needed.  For the past 6 months or so, I have felt convicted about giving to those asking for money.  Yes, I saw the 20/20 where they followed people who stood on the side of the road with signs and they actually were not  poor, but that is not my decision to make.  This week, I had 7 dollars in cash on me and there was a lady with a sign and I felt a nudging "give to the least of these" is what I heard.  So I thought, okay, I will give her $2 and I got a quick "no, give her the $5"...darn.  As Justin handed her the  money, she yanked it out of his is hand almost like we owed it to her and in the past I would have thought, what a waste of $5, but now I have learned that it is my job to be obedient not to judge or even worry about that.  The truth is, she is out there and I am not and regardless of where she is spending her money, it is my job to take care of those who need it.

I have learned to not judge other's parenting skills.  It's hard.  One is easier than two, two is easier than three and so on.  I don't believe that parents intentions are to screw up their kids.  In our minds, we are thinking of the things that we enjoyed while growing up and the things we would like to change and sorting that out with enough energy and patience in a snap of a finger is hard.  Some days I just have to pray, Lord be the parent that I cannot today.    

Most importantly, I have learned that prayer works.  Maybe not to be extent or timing but we will always be taken care of and provided for.

I am excited about all of the things that I will continue to grow in.  Two days before my birthday I journaled about a change of heart.  

Just a pure and kind heart, possibly my lifetime goal.
   

The past 6 1/2 years have definitely been my favorite.  Developing my relationship with the Lord, meeting and marrying Justin, finding Eagle church, becoming a part of the youth ministry team, trips to Thailand/Cambodia, meeting wonderful friends that love the Lord and me, and last but obviously not least,  the birth of my two (soon to be three) wonderful children with an instant love.

Now be prepared for picture overload!!   (seriously, so many pictures)