Thursday, July 21-2011
Lucy was 6 weeks old. I woke up, preparing to head up to camp with Jayne and the kids. I had to some how manage to feed Lucy at just the right time so that we didn't have to stop too much.
I was sitting on the stairs, waiting on Jayne while rocking my infant in her car carrier.
A little after 10:30am, Jayne arrived and we loaded up and headed out. Because I don't pay attention to directions unless I have too, I can't even tell you where or how to get to camp...I was just excited to see Justin and I know he was missing the kids.
Jayne and I chatted a bit, I gave Bram some black olives to snack on and shortly after, they came directly back up.
We pulled over at the next exit which happened to be a McDonalds and with the help of Jayne, we were able to get the vomit cleaned up, Bram cleaned up and some sodas for ourselves. As we were pulling out Jayne mentioned that we hadn't prayed before our trip, so she said a short protective prayer over us and we jumped back on the interstate.
We passed the large Nestle quick bunny and I remember thinking that Bram would think that was cool if he had time to look over but I soon noticed that we were getting quite close to the car in the next lane. I didn't want to seem bossy and critique her driving so I just glanced over at Jayne and she was having a seizure.
I started screaming at her, screaming her name, yelling for her to stop and wake up. I knew there wasn't much time to get this under control and I had a short thought about how a crash would impact my kids and that maybe if Lucy was sleeping she wouldn't feel anything.
Time was ticking.
Mommy mode.
Save the kids.
Save my kids.
Save Jayne.
Save myself.
(harder to write than I thought after a year, my hands are shaking) Get control Janna.
We were on a three lane interstate going between 60 and 70. I unbuckled, stuck my head in between Jayne's leg and with one hand pressed the brake and the other handed guided the wheel over to the ditch. I just kept waiting to feel the rumble strips to know that we were safe.
There they were.
Rumbling away. Greatest sound ever.
As I came up, I realized Jayne was still seizing. I ran out to the side of the road crying, jumping, and screaming for help. You would be surprised at how many people drove on by. And then came Billie and her husband. They rolled down the window and I explained that something was wrong. Billie's husband jumped out of the van and ran to Jayne's attention, with no hesitation and began caring for her. I turned around and saw Bram's face looking back at me through the car window. It was another image that will take a while to forget. He was crying and terrified, I could tell he was mouthing "mommy".
Lucy, well she slept through the entire thing.
More people pulled over.
Asking questions.
I wondered how I was going to tell Brad that Jayne was dead, because I thought that was the reality in that moment.
Calling people. No one answered.
Voice shaking. Hands shaking.
Driving to the hospital. Talking to Billie.
Neither Brad or Justin answer.
Kyle answers and gets Meg and kids ready to head that way..
Lori answers and says that she would leave work and come to the hospital. Poor Lori spent hours with me panicking and probably still in shock, along with two kids.
My dad also came up and spent hours with me and the kids.
Jayne came to and I got to see her. The doctor teared up and said "you don't know how lucky you both are."
Luck? Nah.
Divine intervention? Yes.
Okay, so I don't know exactly how this goes but this is what I imagine.
The Lord in his heavenly throne that morning before I even wake up. "Some of my children are going to need me today. I still need them here. They have purpose. Go." And His heavenly angels descend from the heavenly throne and do the mighty work of God. Not fluttering, but wings stretched high/strong/mighty and performing miracles in His name.
Changed the meaning of Savior for me that day. Savior for my soul and that day my human life.
The past two months, I have been having more panic attacks while driving. I feel like people are too close or swerving into me. Bram mentions the accident anytime I hit the rumble strips.
The reminder is painful but the result is glorious. I am SO grateful that my husband isn't a widow and visiting our grave-sites. Morbid? What was the alternative here?
Life or death.
Breath is a gift. Protection is a gift. Life is a gift. So precious.
Thank you for giving me another year. Another year to spend with my husband, watch my children grow, and surround ourselves with people we love.
Wow.......thank you.
Yes, I still talk to Jayne :). This took our relationship to a whole new loving level. Her and Brad have been amazing friends and mentors in our lives. I just told her that I wouldn't get in the car with her again...she understands that that comes from love. Near or far, Brad and Jayne will always be a part of our lives.
Lastly, something that would be amazing in 2012 for myself personally. To thank Billie. I don't have a last name and I don't know where she lives. With social media these days, I should be able to find her, right? If you know of anyone named Billie who might briefly have talked about an incident like this that happened on July 21. 2011 on interstate 69, send her my way. She meant more to me that day that she probably will ever know....unless I get to personally tell her.
"And if our God is for us, than who could ever stop us. And if our God is with us, than what could stand against."
Friday, June 8, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Bite My Tongue.
Proverbs 15:4
-The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life.
This verse has revisited my mind within the past few months several times.
It's something I truly desire. A voice that proclaims encouragement, laughter, kindness, joy, wisdom, sympathy and love. Obviously, it is not something I have mastered and the chances of having a spotless tongue within this lifetime are slim.
We are relational people with different personalities, fears and opinions. It is evident that people are naturally going to be irritable and the thoughts that bounce from one brain cell to the next eventually just roll off our tongue.
It's a difficult balance. Do I hold all my thoughts in? Is it necessary to always sound my opinion? Can I just let the other person be right?
Some days, I literally feel like I am drowning in my thoughts. I have a few great people that I have surrounded myself with that I immediately turn to when I need a sounding board.
Sometimes my words are hurtful and ugly.
They listen.
Sometimes they are tearful and lonely.
They cry with me.
Sometimes they are joyful and full of laughter.
They laugh with me until we cry.
Because of my past and situations I have been in that were less than lovely, I have heard some ugly words come from people within the church. Years of hurt built up because of ignorance and tongues that did not follow the Proverbs. I still can remember hurtful words unfortunately that either I heard myself or heard from someone else. This does not mean that the words they said were even untrue, just insensitive to moments where a young woman had more junk than she could carry. I would never say that I would go back and do it the same, because with the mindset I have now, I couldn't live a life of outright sin. Even within the midst of heavy sin and a stronghold that clung tight, the Lord was working on me. He sent his angels from the heavenly throne to release me, I believe that.
Those moments did mold me into a woman that knows herself.
I know myself without Justin.
I am working on knowing myself without children.
Justin was able to marry a woman that was already perfectly put together...totally kidding here, lighten up.
One of the reasons that I fell in love with Justin was because he was so non-judgmental. I understand I am kind of an acquired taste but he has always looked at my fallings as ministry opportunities and a better understanding of those hurting.
Just as I remember the hurtful words, I choose to cling to the encouraging words and people who were and have been loving and words that "brought healing." Amen!
We have a small plant that I forget to water and with the heat it is quickly withering and the flowers have stopped blooming. I picture that as the tongue (my tongue) that at times brings criticism and gossip. There is also a lush tree that covers our patio. This bad boy is huge with healthy leaves that sound like the ocean when a rush of wind catches them. This tree has been given what is needed to flourish and survive. That is a Proverbs 15:4 tongue.
I have to surround myself with tongues that bring life.
Don't let ignorant words shape the direction of your life.
"My strengthen in life is I am Yours."
-The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life.
This verse has revisited my mind within the past few months several times.
It's something I truly desire. A voice that proclaims encouragement, laughter, kindness, joy, wisdom, sympathy and love. Obviously, it is not something I have mastered and the chances of having a spotless tongue within this lifetime are slim.
We are relational people with different personalities, fears and opinions. It is evident that people are naturally going to be irritable and the thoughts that bounce from one brain cell to the next eventually just roll off our tongue.
It's a difficult balance. Do I hold all my thoughts in? Is it necessary to always sound my opinion? Can I just let the other person be right?
Some days, I literally feel like I am drowning in my thoughts. I have a few great people that I have surrounded myself with that I immediately turn to when I need a sounding board.
Sometimes my words are hurtful and ugly.
They listen.
Sometimes they are tearful and lonely.
They cry with me.
Sometimes they are joyful and full of laughter.
They laugh with me until we cry.
Because of my past and situations I have been in that were less than lovely, I have heard some ugly words come from people within the church. Years of hurt built up because of ignorance and tongues that did not follow the Proverbs. I still can remember hurtful words unfortunately that either I heard myself or heard from someone else. This does not mean that the words they said were even untrue, just insensitive to moments where a young woman had more junk than she could carry. I would never say that I would go back and do it the same, because with the mindset I have now, I couldn't live a life of outright sin. Even within the midst of heavy sin and a stronghold that clung tight, the Lord was working on me. He sent his angels from the heavenly throne to release me, I believe that.
Those moments did mold me into a woman that knows herself.
I know myself without Justin.
I am working on knowing myself without children.
Justin was able to marry a woman that was already perfectly put together...totally kidding here, lighten up.
One of the reasons that I fell in love with Justin was because he was so non-judgmental. I understand I am kind of an acquired taste but he has always looked at my fallings as ministry opportunities and a better understanding of those hurting.
Just as I remember the hurtful words, I choose to cling to the encouraging words and people who were and have been loving and words that "brought healing." Amen!
We have a small plant that I forget to water and with the heat it is quickly withering and the flowers have stopped blooming. I picture that as the tongue (my tongue) that at times brings criticism and gossip. There is also a lush tree that covers our patio. This bad boy is huge with healthy leaves that sound like the ocean when a rush of wind catches them. This tree has been given what is needed to flourish and survive. That is a Proverbs 15:4 tongue.
I have to surround myself with tongues that bring life.
Don't let ignorant words shape the direction of your life.
"My strengthen in life is I am Yours."
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I am More.
We celebrated another Mother's Day, thankful for children and healthy children at that.
For several months now, I have been struggling finding myself outside the title of mother. A wonderful title it is but I never want it to become my identity.
There was a celebrity on television discussing the birth of her new child and she said "now I understand my purpose."
My children are not my purpose.
My husband is not my purpose.
My family is not my purpose.
I was created an individual with gifts and talents that were God breathed into me before I was even born. My beautiful babies are a blessing to a life that had purpose before them.
On really hard days, when the routine is too routine and the mess is the same mess I cleaned up yesterday, I have to remind myself that.
I am more.
I remind myself that truly knowing who I am will benefit everyone around me.
I am more.
I am not going to wait until they are out of the house to develop my character.
I am more.
I have my own dreams and desires that I should pursue.
I. Am. More.
I love my children. I ache when I am away from them, but I am more than mom. When I have conversations with people I care about, I want those to be more about who I am becoming and where my heart is and to listen and care about their situations, trials, joys, and their life.
So easy to get sucked into allowing our children to become our world and everything and everyone circling around that too.
When we became pregnant, we chose to sacrifice at that moment many things, but I will never give up on my spiritual growth, my marriage....myself.
I picture our status' following overhead, our own labeled titles that we give ourselves. Today, I am jumping high and wiping that clean. Bursting the cloud that describes me based on my current status.
I am identified by many components.
I am sensitive to others, I enjoy laughing, alone time, learning, breathing in fresh air, I am fighter for justice, and I love to love.
I am also angry of past situations, anxious, fearful of circumstances I cannot control, confused about my direction in life, and hurt by people's unintentional actions or words.
I've got some work to do.
I started a study with a friend of mine and we are only on day two, but I am already soaking in the information and just grateful that I can spend time with another woman on a weekly basis discussing, well, us.
I will leave you with an insert from this study. He is preparing me for eternity so waiting until my kids are off to college or married isn't an option, the work and the shifting needs to be happening now.
"Part of being in the family means God is now working on you. One reason we have difficulty accepting His work in our lives is that our view of Him is so limited. God is much greater than we give Him credit for. He really knows what He's doing. When you're in the mist of trials, you can rejoice to know that God loves you and that He will work in your circumstances according to His larger purpose for your life. He is molding you into what He wants you to be for eternity. So determine now to get the full benefit of your trials. Life is short, and eternity is very, very long."
I would be a little more panicked about our current situations if I thought that this life was it.
It's not.
For several months now, I have been struggling finding myself outside the title of mother. A wonderful title it is but I never want it to become my identity.
There was a celebrity on television discussing the birth of her new child and she said "now I understand my purpose."
My children are not my purpose.
My husband is not my purpose.
My family is not my purpose.
I was created an individual with gifts and talents that were God breathed into me before I was even born. My beautiful babies are a blessing to a life that had purpose before them.
On really hard days, when the routine is too routine and the mess is the same mess I cleaned up yesterday, I have to remind myself that.
I am more.
I remind myself that truly knowing who I am will benefit everyone around me.
I am more.
I am not going to wait until they are out of the house to develop my character.
I am more.
I have my own dreams and desires that I should pursue.
I. Am. More.
I love my children. I ache when I am away from them, but I am more than mom. When I have conversations with people I care about, I want those to be more about who I am becoming and where my heart is and to listen and care about their situations, trials, joys, and their life.
So easy to get sucked into allowing our children to become our world and everything and everyone circling around that too.
When we became pregnant, we chose to sacrifice at that moment many things, but I will never give up on my spiritual growth, my marriage....myself.
I picture our status' following overhead, our own labeled titles that we give ourselves. Today, I am jumping high and wiping that clean. Bursting the cloud that describes me based on my current status.
I am identified by many components.
I am sensitive to others, I enjoy laughing, alone time, learning, breathing in fresh air, I am fighter for justice, and I love to love.
I am also angry of past situations, anxious, fearful of circumstances I cannot control, confused about my direction in life, and hurt by people's unintentional actions or words.
I've got some work to do.
I started a study with a friend of mine and we are only on day two, but I am already soaking in the information and just grateful that I can spend time with another woman on a weekly basis discussing, well, us.
I will leave you with an insert from this study. He is preparing me for eternity so waiting until my kids are off to college or married isn't an option, the work and the shifting needs to be happening now.
"Part of being in the family means God is now working on you. One reason we have difficulty accepting His work in our lives is that our view of Him is so limited. God is much greater than we give Him credit for. He really knows what He's doing. When you're in the mist of trials, you can rejoice to know that God loves you and that He will work in your circumstances according to His larger purpose for your life. He is molding you into what He wants you to be for eternity. So determine now to get the full benefit of your trials. Life is short, and eternity is very, very long."
I would be a little more panicked about our current situations if I thought that this life was it.
It's not.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Future Focused
Today I have been thinking about a Mother's Day gifts for my own mother and mother-in-law. I love and respect both of them and I know that they do a tremendous amount for our family. They both dedicate a day to watching our children...for free.
I started thinking about what kind of people my children would end up with. Justin and I have discussed how many children we would like to have (Lord willing), and of course we both would have many, many children because they are amazing and bring so much joy and fire to our life.
I told Justin that 3 would be my top number only because I realize that one day, they will find a girlfriend/boyfriend and spouse and I desperately desire to count them as my own children.
I want to love them like my own, spoil them like my own, hug them like my own, and have a sincere and genuine relationship with them.
My hopes are pushing it....I know but deep deep down my desire would be for them to
call me,
come to me,
cry to me,
listen to me,
and personally that I would have the time to know them.
Sure for the first 18-30(ish) years my children will be my only, but once they date and marry, that number will quickly double. I hope that what I do for them does not come off as annoying or intrusive but as loving.
To Bram's future wife:
Bram is our baby, first born, intelligent and right now a bit spoiled (we are working on it). If his personality remains the same, you will hopefully show him how to loosen up and enjoy life, enjoy nature, to take a deep breathe. He has a sensitive spirit and I believe that he is compassionate and hurts when other's hurt. He is sweet and every day he touches my face and tells me how pretty I am.
I imagine you bringing a bit of uncertain spunk and spontaneity to his life.
To Lucy's future husband:
Lucy is still young but she is such a happy girl. Her personality is starting to truly come through and she is a spit fire. She can hold her own with Bram and knows what she wants. I imagine her being dedicated, determined and also lively and fun. I think she will need a man that can guide her and bring her back down to earth now and again.
What a beauty she is, just breath-taking.
To our future children:
First and foremost for we pray you will seek out Godly women/men.
Obviously you will be wonderful inside and out...guaranteed you will have your daddy wrapped around your finger within your first minute of birth...seems to be the trend.
Do you think I am being a little too future-focused? That my children are still too young?
Ask my mom who still remembers my brothers telling me that I had the "gift of blab" and standing on top of the furniture around 4 or 5 bossing everyone around (they obeyed).
Or ask my mother-in-law whom I'm sure has many wonderful memories of little Justin, but especially his head full of dark curls.
I think as my kids grow and I continue to parent, as long as I am consistent (still developing), loving, a disciplinarian, respected and respectful, understanding, available, trustworthy...what else will they portray about me to their future spouses.
I have never wanted to be a dictator over my children or push for perfection, just a good parent.
These will be the most trying, difficult, beautiful, tearful, joyful, and snuggly 18 years. Pretty sure these past 3 1/2 years of parenting have come and gone in the blink of a tired eye.
(Yes, I someday picture Bram's 6'4 body cuddled on his mamas lap)
..................just being future focused on a beautiful May evening.
I started thinking about what kind of people my children would end up with. Justin and I have discussed how many children we would like to have (Lord willing), and of course we both would have many, many children because they are amazing and bring so much joy and fire to our life.
I told Justin that 3 would be my top number only because I realize that one day, they will find a girlfriend/boyfriend and spouse and I desperately desire to count them as my own children.
I want to love them like my own, spoil them like my own, hug them like my own, and have a sincere and genuine relationship with them.
My hopes are pushing it....I know but deep deep down my desire would be for them to
call me,
come to me,
cry to me,
listen to me,
and personally that I would have the time to know them.
Sure for the first 18-30(ish) years my children will be my only, but once they date and marry, that number will quickly double. I hope that what I do for them does not come off as annoying or intrusive but as loving.
To Bram's future wife:
Bram is our baby, first born, intelligent and right now a bit spoiled (we are working on it). If his personality remains the same, you will hopefully show him how to loosen up and enjoy life, enjoy nature, to take a deep breathe. He has a sensitive spirit and I believe that he is compassionate and hurts when other's hurt. He is sweet and every day he touches my face and tells me how pretty I am.
I imagine you bringing a bit of uncertain spunk and spontaneity to his life.
To Lucy's future husband:
Lucy is still young but she is such a happy girl. Her personality is starting to truly come through and she is a spit fire. She can hold her own with Bram and knows what she wants. I imagine her being dedicated, determined and also lively and fun. I think she will need a man that can guide her and bring her back down to earth now and again.
What a beauty she is, just breath-taking.
To our future children:
First and foremost for we pray you will seek out Godly women/men.
Obviously you will be wonderful inside and out...guaranteed you will have your daddy wrapped around your finger within your first minute of birth...seems to be the trend.
Do you think I am being a little too future-focused? That my children are still too young?
Ask my mom who still remembers my brothers telling me that I had the "gift of blab" and standing on top of the furniture around 4 or 5 bossing everyone around (they obeyed).
Or ask my mother-in-law whom I'm sure has many wonderful memories of little Justin, but especially his head full of dark curls.
I think as my kids grow and I continue to parent, as long as I am consistent (still developing), loving, a disciplinarian, respected and respectful, understanding, available, trustworthy...what else will they portray about me to their future spouses.
I have never wanted to be a dictator over my children or push for perfection, just a good parent.
These will be the most trying, difficult, beautiful, tearful, joyful, and snuggly 18 years. Pretty sure these past 3 1/2 years of parenting have come and gone in the blink of a tired eye.
(Yes, I someday picture Bram's 6'4 body cuddled on his mamas lap)
..................just being future focused on a beautiful May evening.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
"Verhicle"
Sometimes writing in the midst of the unknown helps ensure clarity within myself.
So I am writing.
It's just a season, huh? Which season is that again?
Yesterday J was having car trouble. We are not strangers to car troubles.
I guess most people just take their cars in and pay for them to be fixed?
Simple.
Is that what they do?
We have never drove new or fancy cars or had the option to just take them into the mechanic when they started running poorly.
It used to bother me.
I felt like my stuff defined me.
It doesn't.
I know we are way cooler than our vehicles.
It obviously still bothers me when the vehicle refuses to run and that makes me nervous. We need the cars we have to go to work, transport our children, do what normal Americans do to get around.
Back to yesterday. When J called me sounding concerned, I felt a peace. I knew something was wrong with that 1996 Subaru Legacy (first time I have ever publicly announced that) and I could hear the worry in J's voice, but my anxiety was at rest.
I prayed. I prayed for a super natural work to be down in the old car.
J spent five hours working on that car. He had already worked a full day and it was finals week, but he took care of us.
Today the car began acting up again. Not just acting up but it threw a fit.
It was towed away off of the interstate around 7:30 pm tonight.
What does this mean for my prayers? That they aren't answered? That it wasn't a big enough deal or issue? That there are people starving and my car problem isn't on His to do list?
This is where my daily circumstances can either determine my emotions or because I have faith, my character remains strong. It remains true to who I say I am and what I believe in.
Let me be very clear, my core is quite pissed. It's easy for my mind to whirlwind into the financial things J and I have had to fight over the years and when that inner anger rushes in, it's easy to forget the blessings.
Today I called out. I called out to my God. I explained our situation, as if he wasn't aware, and at one point I was begging for a miracle.
A car miracle. If I can pull a hollywood on it, we could call it a "verhicale" or "verhicle"? No?
Fine.
The Lord has always provided for us, but that doesn't make the situations in the moment any easier but right now, the peace in my soul is there.
He is doing a work in me. To me that means that he allowed this circumstance to occur because He wanted to strengthen me, build my character, pull the tar from my heart.
That's way cooler than a verhicle (sorry) at this point. My heart is way more valuable to Him.
A few weeks ago, I was moaning about my finances and I felt Him say, "I would be more concerned about the condition of your heart than your finances."
Ouch.
I am going to go to bed with the unknown remaining to be the unknown. I don't have an answer or a funny surprise story where the car walked home.
It's at the shop and we don't have control at this point, doesn't waiver my faith.
What do we have to lose to even whisper a prayer whether out of desperation, from the depths of our souls, from heartbreak, anger, abuse, confusion........................the unknown.
Really though, can it hurt?
Jehovah Jireh-The Lord Will Provide.
So I am writing.
It's just a season, huh? Which season is that again?
Yesterday J was having car trouble. We are not strangers to car troubles.
I guess most people just take their cars in and pay for them to be fixed?
Simple.
Is that what they do?
We have never drove new or fancy cars or had the option to just take them into the mechanic when they started running poorly.
It used to bother me.
I felt like my stuff defined me.
It doesn't.
I know we are way cooler than our vehicles.
It obviously still bothers me when the vehicle refuses to run and that makes me nervous. We need the cars we have to go to work, transport our children, do what normal Americans do to get around.
Back to yesterday. When J called me sounding concerned, I felt a peace. I knew something was wrong with that 1996 Subaru Legacy (first time I have ever publicly announced that) and I could hear the worry in J's voice, but my anxiety was at rest.
I prayed. I prayed for a super natural work to be down in the old car.
J spent five hours working on that car. He had already worked a full day and it was finals week, but he took care of us.
Today the car began acting up again. Not just acting up but it threw a fit.
It was towed away off of the interstate around 7:30 pm tonight.
What does this mean for my prayers? That they aren't answered? That it wasn't a big enough deal or issue? That there are people starving and my car problem isn't on His to do list?
This is where my daily circumstances can either determine my emotions or because I have faith, my character remains strong. It remains true to who I say I am and what I believe in.
Let me be very clear, my core is quite pissed. It's easy for my mind to whirlwind into the financial things J and I have had to fight over the years and when that inner anger rushes in, it's easy to forget the blessings.
Today I called out. I called out to my God. I explained our situation, as if he wasn't aware, and at one point I was begging for a miracle.
A car miracle. If I can pull a hollywood on it, we could call it a "verhicale" or "verhicle"? No?
Fine.
The Lord has always provided for us, but that doesn't make the situations in the moment any easier but right now, the peace in my soul is there.
He is doing a work in me. To me that means that he allowed this circumstance to occur because He wanted to strengthen me, build my character, pull the tar from my heart.
That's way cooler than a verhicle (sorry) at this point. My heart is way more valuable to Him.
A few weeks ago, I was moaning about my finances and I felt Him say, "I would be more concerned about the condition of your heart than your finances."
Ouch.
I am going to go to bed with the unknown remaining to be the unknown. I don't have an answer or a funny surprise story where the car walked home.
It's at the shop and we don't have control at this point, doesn't waiver my faith.
What do we have to lose to even whisper a prayer whether out of desperation, from the depths of our souls, from heartbreak, anger, abuse, confusion........................the unknown.
Really though, can it hurt?
Jehovah Jireh-The Lord Will Provide.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Children See, Children Do-Blue Eyes
This past weekend was hectic and busy. J was out of town and all I could do was wake up and think about how many hours it would be until the kids went to bed.
I craved adult conversations, any help, visits, planned activities, and by Sunday I realized I had just wished my entire weekend away.
My laziness and loneliness for that weekend led me to being inconsistent with Bram, a little resentful, unjoyful, etc.....
For myself, these are typically the times when the Lord intervenes and opens my eyes to things bigger than myself and shows me what breaks His heart.
"Quit being so selfish, Janna."
"Do not wish away any day because they go by fast enough."
"Daughter, are you even concerned about what I am concerned about?"
Sunday afternoon I took the kids to the park. The swing that Bram loves was available which made me excited for him. I kept saying, "Run Bram! Hurry! Get your swing!"
Then the little girl in the red sweater caught my eye, she had the prettiest blue eyes
She was probably 6 or 7 and had down syndrome. She started swing hopping to get closer to Lucy. Lucy continued her eye contact and blue eyes sat there with only the wind blowing her enough to move her swing a bit.
Every part of me wanted to swing her, but fearful of Dateline popping out from behind the trees and Chris Hanson questioning why I was swinging a little girl that I didn't know. My fear held me back from being His hands.
Sad.
A group of girls came up to blue eyes and started bossing her around, telling her she needed to get out of the swing, at one point physically pushing her. The Justice Janna in me was rising to the surface in probably an unhealthy manner. It only took one "hey!" for them to scatter.
Then Reese came along. She offered to push blue eyes and kept checking on her, asking if she was pushing too high, or she would like her to stop.
It was beautiful.
It was kindness to a stranger.
It was the Lord moving in children.
I know it is how He desired His people to treat one another.
Reese's dad called for her, that's the only way I even know her name. (yes, kind of creepy)
Blue eyes from there on tried to mingle with the other groups of children.
Finally she found a toddler that seemed interested in her. Blue eyes sat on the balance beam while her and her new friend were having a conversation and before you know it, the mom came and snatched up her daughter.
Something rose up in me in that moment, instantly from my feet it rushed up to my heart.
Pain.
Anger.
Disappointment.
The moment the mom walked away was one that felt like it was in slow motion. She didn't acknowledge blue eyes, she didn't allow her child to say good-bye. I found myself glaring at her as time just froze, my heart breaking for blue eyes, a child of Christ, my new friend.
Are we really raising these children to not look into the heart? Even as role models, mentors... ..children are watching. I wondered if Reese experienced her parents showing kindness on a regular basis to others, no matter their circumstances.
How I am teaching the girls I am with at work, my junior high small group girls, friends, my own children, how I am showing love? Not just love, but compassion. Love is the feeling but compassion is the drive.
Children See Children Do.
I continued to watch blue eyes has she walked away with a rush of wind blowing her brown hair. She had her arms stretched out wide.
"Lord, be her protector and defender. Thank you for taking a rough weekend and giving me insight on what is breaking your heart."
Below is a link to a short video that may seem disturbing, but I saw it years ago and it has just stuck and it still makes me cry. It seems appropriate and worth the watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m25VjD0Uz9c
Thank you Reese.
I craved adult conversations, any help, visits, planned activities, and by Sunday I realized I had just wished my entire weekend away.
My laziness and loneliness for that weekend led me to being inconsistent with Bram, a little resentful, unjoyful, etc.....
For myself, these are typically the times when the Lord intervenes and opens my eyes to things bigger than myself and shows me what breaks His heart.
"Quit being so selfish, Janna."
"Do not wish away any day because they go by fast enough."
"Daughter, are you even concerned about what I am concerned about?"
Sunday afternoon I took the kids to the park. The swing that Bram loves was available which made me excited for him. I kept saying, "Run Bram! Hurry! Get your swing!"
Then the little girl in the red sweater caught my eye, she had the prettiest blue eyes
She was probably 6 or 7 and had down syndrome. She started swing hopping to get closer to Lucy. Lucy continued her eye contact and blue eyes sat there with only the wind blowing her enough to move her swing a bit.
Every part of me wanted to swing her, but fearful of Dateline popping out from behind the trees and Chris Hanson questioning why I was swinging a little girl that I didn't know. My fear held me back from being His hands.
Sad.
A group of girls came up to blue eyes and started bossing her around, telling her she needed to get out of the swing, at one point physically pushing her. The Justice Janna in me was rising to the surface in probably an unhealthy manner. It only took one "hey!" for them to scatter.
Then Reese came along. She offered to push blue eyes and kept checking on her, asking if she was pushing too high, or she would like her to stop.
It was beautiful.
It was kindness to a stranger.
It was the Lord moving in children.
I know it is how He desired His people to treat one another.
Reese's dad called for her, that's the only way I even know her name. (yes, kind of creepy)
Blue eyes from there on tried to mingle with the other groups of children.
Finally she found a toddler that seemed interested in her. Blue eyes sat on the balance beam while her and her new friend were having a conversation and before you know it, the mom came and snatched up her daughter.
Something rose up in me in that moment, instantly from my feet it rushed up to my heart.
Pain.
Anger.
Disappointment.
The moment the mom walked away was one that felt like it was in slow motion. She didn't acknowledge blue eyes, she didn't allow her child to say good-bye. I found myself glaring at her as time just froze, my heart breaking for blue eyes, a child of Christ, my new friend.
Are we really raising these children to not look into the heart? Even as role models, mentors... ..children are watching. I wondered if Reese experienced her parents showing kindness on a regular basis to others, no matter their circumstances.
How I am teaching the girls I am with at work, my junior high small group girls, friends, my own children, how I am showing love? Not just love, but compassion. Love is the feeling but compassion is the drive.
Children See Children Do.
I continued to watch blue eyes has she walked away with a rush of wind blowing her brown hair. She had her arms stretched out wide.
"Lord, be her protector and defender. Thank you for taking a rough weekend and giving me insight on what is breaking your heart."
Below is a link to a short video that may seem disturbing, but I saw it years ago and it has just stuck and it still makes me cry. It seems appropriate and worth the watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m25VjD0Uz9c
Thank you Reese.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Whohabook
I waiver back and forth when it comes to what's appropriate concerning clothing.
Personally, I think there is much to say about someone's individual style.
I respect those who display their beauty through their clothing.
I love seeing the confidence in the apparel that isn't the norm.
I love love love fashion trends...I think they can be so much fun.
One thing that has not changed for me for years now is dressing with integrity (i'm not a huge fan of the word modesty).
I am not a turtle neck and sweat pants kind of girl.
I enjoy dressing trendy, fun, slimming, and dare I say sexy.
But I do think that the line that was drawn in the sand as been washed away by the tides of
"sexy is cleavage"
"sexy is midriff"
"sexy is tiny bathing suits"
Lies.
Lies.
Lies.
My facebook has been flooded by bathing suit pictures from spring breakers which doesn't bother me, but I realize that those same facebook pictures have been flooding my husbands facebook newsfeed. He can't control what pops up. My precious husband who has dedicated his life to me.
Personally, I don't think it's fair.
Let's be honest, the boobs and the whohas are covered...that's it.
So these past few weeks, my facebook has been personally renamed to "Whohabook".
If you are taking personal offense, I just would like to say this does not come from any kind of jealousy or misunderstanding of what's in style on my behalf.
I get it.
I understand that it's hard to find a cute suit that's a one piece but do you see what's happening?? Society is manipulating us into a one style culture.
It's personally an ongoing battle for what we will do with Lucy, and she's only 9 months old. Justin asked me if I would let L wear a 2 piece, which I was super wish washy about and told him that I might, but I wouldn't let those pictures be on the web for everyone to stare out. You NEVER know what creeper is looking at those.....staring.....day dreaming......get the gist, here?
Justin then asked if I was okay with the beach goers staring at Lucy the same way. I don't know why I felt like there was a difference, but I did.
Two summers ago I was wearing a 2 piece and thought nothing of it.
Was that fair to the men going to the pool for an afternoon swim? (I'm not saying my bod is something amazing but most men aren't that picky).
My awesome, beautiful friend said, "poor guys, they only have red blood."
That shook my soul a bit.
Red blood.
Why do so many men struggle with pornography?
Red blood syndrome?
Victoria Secret Fashion Show with get this, 10.3 MILLION viewers.
Red Blood Syndrome?
Pastors, congressman, presidents, entertainers, everyday men having affairs.
Red Blood Syndrome?
Shorts are shorter, dresses are tighter, shirts are more low-cut.
Red Blood Syndrome?
I just want to put this out there, whether you agree or not.
Men are visual creatures.
The stare due to less clothing is because of sex, not because they think you are intelligent, funny, witty, or caring.
The Lord has more than likely blessed some of you with external beauty which you should embrace and take care of AND more importantly protect.
Justin bounces his eyes off the television anytime a sexual commercial or show comes on.
Why?
Because he knows he is a visual creature. It has nothing to do with his love towards me or him not thinking I am beautiful, he is protecting our marriage.
He is protecting his bride.
He is protecting his children.
I know this may cause a stir...I am prepared. I just know what is heavy on my heart. If you are personally offended, I am okay with that. I will remain to be non-judgmental but not afraid to be blunt and if you know anything about me, you know that is true.
Ultimately, this does not boil down to a one piece vs. a two piece, it's about personally choosing to protect the men around you that you may not even know. Whatever that means to you.
As women, let's reclaim to being desired because of our personalities, dreams, what breaks our hearts and let our sexual beauty be the joy of marriage.
Personally, I think there is much to say about someone's individual style.
I respect those who display their beauty through their clothing.
I love seeing the confidence in the apparel that isn't the norm.
I love love love fashion trends...I think they can be so much fun.
One thing that has not changed for me for years now is dressing with integrity (i'm not a huge fan of the word modesty).
I am not a turtle neck and sweat pants kind of girl.
I enjoy dressing trendy, fun, slimming, and dare I say sexy.
But I do think that the line that was drawn in the sand as been washed away by the tides of
"sexy is cleavage"
"sexy is midriff"
"sexy is tiny bathing suits"
Lies.
Lies.
Lies.
My facebook has been flooded by bathing suit pictures from spring breakers which doesn't bother me, but I realize that those same facebook pictures have been flooding my husbands facebook newsfeed. He can't control what pops up. My precious husband who has dedicated his life to me.
Personally, I don't think it's fair.
Let's be honest, the boobs and the whohas are covered...that's it.
So these past few weeks, my facebook has been personally renamed to "Whohabook".
If you are taking personal offense, I just would like to say this does not come from any kind of jealousy or misunderstanding of what's in style on my behalf.
I get it.
I understand that it's hard to find a cute suit that's a one piece but do you see what's happening?? Society is manipulating us into a one style culture.
It's personally an ongoing battle for what we will do with Lucy, and she's only 9 months old. Justin asked me if I would let L wear a 2 piece, which I was super wish washy about and told him that I might, but I wouldn't let those pictures be on the web for everyone to stare out. You NEVER know what creeper is looking at those.....staring.....day dreaming......get the gist, here?
Justin then asked if I was okay with the beach goers staring at Lucy the same way. I don't know why I felt like there was a difference, but I did.
Two summers ago I was wearing a 2 piece and thought nothing of it.
Was that fair to the men going to the pool for an afternoon swim? (I'm not saying my bod is something amazing but most men aren't that picky).
My awesome, beautiful friend said, "poor guys, they only have red blood."
That shook my soul a bit.
Red blood.
Why do so many men struggle with pornography?
Red blood syndrome?
Victoria Secret Fashion Show with get this, 10.3 MILLION viewers.
Red Blood Syndrome?
Pastors, congressman, presidents, entertainers, everyday men having affairs.
Red Blood Syndrome?
Shorts are shorter, dresses are tighter, shirts are more low-cut.
Red Blood Syndrome?
I just want to put this out there, whether you agree or not.
Men are visual creatures.
The stare due to less clothing is because of sex, not because they think you are intelligent, funny, witty, or caring.
The Lord has more than likely blessed some of you with external beauty which you should embrace and take care of AND more importantly protect.
Justin bounces his eyes off the television anytime a sexual commercial or show comes on.
Why?
Because he knows he is a visual creature. It has nothing to do with his love towards me or him not thinking I am beautiful, he is protecting our marriage.
He is protecting his bride.
He is protecting his children.
I know this may cause a stir...I am prepared. I just know what is heavy on my heart. If you are personally offended, I am okay with that. I will remain to be non-judgmental but not afraid to be blunt and if you know anything about me, you know that is true.
Ultimately, this does not boil down to a one piece vs. a two piece, it's about personally choosing to protect the men around you that you may not even know. Whatever that means to you.
As women, let's reclaim to being desired because of our personalities, dreams, what breaks our hearts and let our sexual beauty be the joy of marriage.
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