30 & Thriving

30 years down, 70 to go.

Am I where I pictured myself at 30?  

No.

There are milestones that I feel like a 30 year old with 2 1/2 kids would have reached by now, but we have a long life ahead of us so what's the rush and I wouldn't change the compromises we have made because we feel like the Lord is preparing us and patience produces integrity.

Much of my personality hasn't changed much since I was a child, I'm sure my parents could attest to that.  I used to stand in front of the television and do the weather for my parents using a candle stick for my microphone.  When Justin asked my dad to marry me, my dad reminded Justin that I was a college student who still put my papers on the refrigerator.  I appreciate affirmation and I see that in Lucy.  

Quite goofy and bossy (so I have been told).  Mom said that one day I was standing on a piece of furniture bossing my brothers and  parents around and mom stopped and said, "she is just standing there bossing us around and we are all doing it."  

It never took much for me to stop and put on a performance, a good commercial, impression, or just dressing up out of pure boredom.  Sadly, Justin now lives with this.    

I love to celebrate and that's why I love the Holiday season so much.  Lights, music, festivities, gatherings, Christmas movies, food, excitement.  Last year I came home in early November to find that Justin had put up the Christmas tree.  Bram loves to celebrate just as much as I do.  Whenever we go to Target, he asks if we can walk through the isles of (yes, already) Christmas lights.  I think it's important to slow down and allow him to find the beauty in simplicity.  

I love making memories with our family.  

I love how Lucy pulls up her stool in the bathroom while I am putting my make-up on and just watches me.  I remember watching my dad shave in the mornings so many times and how their bedroom and bathroom where rarely off limits.  Strangely, I found comfort in that.  I remember wondering one time if Justin thought it was strange that my entire family was sitting in my parents bedroom as like the "hang out" place.  We would joke that once a boyfriend or girlfriend saw my mom in her underwear that they were the one, which wasn't the truth because most of my boyfriends either surprised my mom in her undies or caught her running away...in her undies.  

As every year passes, I assume the goal is to understand myself better and work on things.

I am learning that sometimes it's better to not comment on things, even if my advice is being asked.  For the most part, when I have remained silent, I have done my best work.  (work in progress here)

When people are in pain, the voice of "reason" is not always the most effective.  

Give even when it doesn't seem needed.  For the past 6 months or so, I have felt convicted about giving to those asking for money.  Yes, I saw the 20/20 where they followed people who stood on the side of the road with signs and they actually were not  poor, but that is not my decision to make.  This week, I had 7 dollars in cash on me and there was a lady with a sign and I felt a nudging "give to the least of these" is what I heard.  So I thought, okay, I will give her $2 and I got a quick "no, give her the $5"...darn.  As Justin handed her the  money, she yanked it out of his is hand almost like we owed it to her and in the past I would have thought, what a waste of $5, but now I have learned that it is my job to be obedient not to judge or even worry about that.  The truth is, she is out there and I am not and regardless of where she is spending her money, it is my job to take care of those who need it.

I have learned to not judge other's parenting skills.  It's hard.  One is easier than two, two is easier than three and so on.  I don't believe that parents intentions are to screw up their kids.  In our minds, we are thinking of the things that we enjoyed while growing up and the things we would like to change and sorting that out with enough energy and patience in a snap of a finger is hard.  Some days I just have to pray, Lord be the parent that I cannot today.    

Most importantly, I have learned that prayer works.  Maybe not to be extent or timing but we will always be taken care of and provided for.

I am excited about all of the things that I will continue to grow in.  Two days before my birthday I journaled about a change of heart.  

Just a pure and kind heart, possibly my lifetime goal.
   

The past 6 1/2 years have definitely been my favorite.  Developing my relationship with the Lord, meeting and marrying Justin, finding Eagle church, becoming a part of the youth ministry team, trips to Thailand/Cambodia, meeting wonderful friends that love the Lord and me, and last but obviously not least,  the birth of my two (soon to be three) wonderful children with an instant love.

Now be prepared for picture overload!!   (seriously, so many pictures)

CMAs

I have those days, weeks, months when I feel/hope that something amazing is going to happen.  As much as a realist as I am, I am a random dreamer as well.

-No Justin, we aren't using a credit card to buy that guitar. 

- Sorry babe, we can't quit our jobs and move to Hawaii to be sail boat instructors.

-No Bram, our apartments don't allow giraffes as pets.

BUT, for some reason whenever I watch the CMA's I think next year, Justin will be there.  I walk through Von Maur looking at the beautiful dresses and wonder which one I will wear.  Sometimes I grab one off the rack and do a quick twirl while Justin smirks and keeps on walking.  It's a strange twist to our very specific "role" marriage.  I am the "matter of fact" mentality and he is the guy driving around to find the end of the rainbow (remember that day, babe?)  And because of his humility and my desire for him to do what he loves, our roles just flip in this setting.  

He doesn't want to get disappointed and I want to get excited.

These past 3 months I have not been in a great place.  We have had to make some decisions that were not difficult but challenging.  I have felt the tides of change for some time now lingering above and I think when they crash down, I will be refreshed. 

 Patience for me is hard. 

 Patience for a few days, I get anxious.......weeks, nervous wreck...but years.  Years of, "Come on Lord, what's next?  Seriously now, just give us an answer...open a door."  I do believe that when the Spirit abides within, the Lord prepares us and sometimes I do wonder if this feeling is His way of allowing the tide to crash down and give me some refreshment amongst the ??? stage.  Just resigning our lease was like pulling teeth, seems like something simple, but we just didn't know what the wise thing to do was.  And then there are the questions that just creep into my mind on a weekly basis.

"What's the best way to save?"

"What's cheaper, Walmart or Target?"

"Why are my feelings hurt so easily?"

"Is the baby okay?"

"Did we make the right decision by resigning our lease?"
"Are we truly trusting in the Lord?"  

"Am I being nicer to Lucy than Bram?"

"Did one get more attention than the other today?"
 "Am I working so that we have a relationship outside our kids?"

"What if I can't give anymore...what if it's been sucked out of me?"
"Can I make it through this month?"

"Do I have any hobbies?"

"Anything exciting happening soon?????"

Because my imagination can be so fiercely wonderful sometimes, dreaming about who knows what is my excitement for the day.  A day filled with wake-up, breakfast, clean-up breakfast, play, nap, change diapers, change clothes, play, lunch, clean-up lunch, play, (tired), more diapers, nap, pick-up toys, laundry, groceries, dinnertime, clean-up dinner, (home stretch) baths, PJ's, brush teeth, read stories, pray, tickle and snuggle.....that dreamer mentality is for me, in that moment. 

I am not in denial, I understand that we may need to be patient for years more and that serious questions need to have serious talks and answers, but until then, I will continue to pull off the Von Maur dresses and Justin will continue to tell me that I always pick out the "old lady" dresses there and I will twirl and dream and wait.

  

   

Are You Out There, Billie?

Thursday, July 21-2011

Lucy was 6 weeks old.  I woke up, preparing to head up to camp with Jayne and the kids.  I had to some how manage to feed Lucy at just the right time so that we didn't have to stop too much.
I was sitting on the stairs, waiting on Jayne while rocking my infant in her car carrier.
A little after 10:30am, Jayne arrived and we loaded up and headed out.  Because I don't pay attention to directions unless I have too, I can't even tell you where or how to get to camp...I was just excited to see Justin and I know he was missing the kids.
Jayne and I chatted a bit, I gave Bram some black olives to snack on and shortly after, they came directly back up.
  
We pulled over at the next exit which happened to be a McDonalds and with the help of Jayne, we were able to get the vomit cleaned up, Bram cleaned up and some sodas for ourselves.  As we were pulling out Jayne mentioned that we hadn't prayed before our trip, so she said a short protective prayer over us and we jumped back on the interstate.
We passed the large Nestle quick bunny and I remember thinking that Bram would think that was cool if he had time to look over but I soon noticed that we were getting quite close to the car in the next lane.  I didn't want to seem bossy and critique her driving so I just glanced over at Jayne and she was having a seizure.
I started screaming at her, screaming her name, yelling for her to stop and wake up.  I knew there wasn't much time to get this under control and I had a short thought about how a crash would impact my kids and that maybe if Lucy was sleeping she wouldn't feel anything.
Time was ticking.
Mommy mode.
Save the kids.
Save my kids.
Save Jayne.
Save myself.

(harder to write than I thought after a year, my hands are shaking)  Get control Janna.

We were on a three lane interstate going between 60 and 70.  I unbuckled, stuck my head in between Jayne's leg and with one hand pressed the brake and the other handed guided the wheel over to the ditch.  I just kept waiting to feel the rumble strips to know that we were safe.

There they were.
Rumbling away.  Greatest sound ever.
As I came up, I realized Jayne was still seizing.  I ran out to the side of the road crying, jumping, and screaming for help.  You would be surprised at how many people drove on by.  And then came Billie and her husband.  They rolled down the window and I explained that something was wrong.  Billie's husband jumped out of the van and ran to Jayne's attention, with no hesitation and began caring for her.  I turned around and saw Bram's face looking back at me through the car window.  It was another image that will take a while to forget.  He was crying and terrified, I could tell he was mouthing "mommy".
Lucy, well she slept through the entire thing.
More people pulled over.
Asking questions.
I wondered how I was going to tell Brad that Jayne was dead, because I thought that was the reality in that moment.
Calling people.  No one answered.
Voice shaking.  Hands shaking.
Driving to the hospital.  Talking to Billie.
Neither Brad or Justin answer.
Kyle answers and gets Meg and kids ready to head that way..
Lori answers and says that she would leave work and come to the hospital.  Poor Lori spent hours with me panicking and probably still in shock, along with two kids.
My dad also came up and spent hours with me and the kids.

Jayne came to and I got to see her.  The doctor teared up and said "you don't know how lucky you both are."
Luck?  Nah.
Divine intervention? Yes.

Okay, so I don't know exactly how this goes but this is what I imagine.
The Lord in his heavenly throne that morning before I even wake up.  "Some of my children are going to need me today. I still need them here.  They have purpose.  Go."  And His heavenly angels descend from the heavenly throne and do the mighty work of God.   Not fluttering, but wings stretched high/strong/mighty and performing miracles in His name.

Changed the meaning of Savior for me that day.  Savior for my soul and that day my human life.

The past two months, I have been having more panic attacks while driving.  I feel like people are too close or swerving into me.  Bram mentions the accident anytime I hit the rumble strips.
The reminder is painful but the result is glorious.  I am SO grateful that my husband isn't a widow and visiting our grave-sites.  Morbid?  What was the alternative here?

Life or death.
Breath is a gift.  Protection is a gift.  Life is a gift.  So precious.

Thank you for giving me another year.  Another year to spend with my husband, watch my children grow,  and surround ourselves with people we love.
Wow.......thank you.

Yes, I still talk to Jayne :).  This took our relationship to a whole new loving level.  Her and Brad have been amazing friends and mentors in our lives.  I just told her that I wouldn't get in the car with her again...she understands that that comes from love.  Near or far, Brad and Jayne will always be a part of our lives.
Lastly, something that would be amazing in 2012 for myself personally.  To thank Billie.  I don't have a last name and I don't know where she lives.  With social media these days, I should be able to find her, right?  If you know of anyone named Billie who might briefly have talked about an incident like this that happened on July 21. 2011 on interstate 69, send her my way.  She meant more to me that day that she probably will ever know....unless I get to personally tell her.

"And if our God is for us, than who could ever stop us.  And if our God is with us, than what could stand against."

Bite My Tongue.

Proverbs 15:4
-The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life.

This verse has revisited my mind within the past few months several times.
 It's something I truly desire.  A voice that proclaims encouragement, laughter, kindness, joy, wisdom, sympathy and love.  Obviously, it is not something I have mastered and the chances of having a spotless tongue within this lifetime are slim.
We are relational people with different personalities, fears and opinions.  It is evident that people  are naturally going to be irritable and the thoughts that bounce from one brain cell to the next eventually just roll off our tongue.
It's a difficult balance.  Do I hold all my thoughts in?  Is it necessary to always sound my opinion?  Can I just let the other person be right?
Some days, I literally feel like I am drowning in my thoughts.  I have a few great people that I have surrounded myself with that I immediately turn to when I need a sounding board.
Sometimes my words are hurtful and ugly.
They listen.
Sometimes they are tearful and lonely.
They cry with me.
Sometimes they are joyful and full of laughter.
They laugh with me until we cry.

Because of my past and situations I have been in that were less than lovely, I have heard some ugly words come from people within the church.  Years of hurt built up because of ignorance and tongues that did not follow the Proverbs.  I still can remember hurtful words unfortunately that either I heard myself or heard from someone else.  This does not mean that the words they said were even untrue, just insensitive to moments where a young woman had more junk than she could carry.  I would never say that I would go back and do it the same, because with the mindset I have now, I couldn't live a life of outright sin.  Even within the midst of heavy sin and a stronghold that clung tight, the Lord was working on me.  He sent his angels from the heavenly throne to release me, I believe that.
Those moments did mold me into a woman that knows herself.

I know myself without Justin.
I am working on knowing myself without children.
Justin was able to marry a woman that was already perfectly put together...totally kidding here, lighten up.
One of the reasons that I fell in love with Justin was because he was so non-judgmental.  I understand I am kind of an acquired taste but he has always looked at my fallings as ministry opportunities and a better understanding of those hurting.
Just as I remember the hurtful words, I choose to cling to the encouraging words and people who were and have been loving and words that "brought healing."  Amen!
We have a small plant that I forget to water and with the heat it is quickly withering and the flowers have stopped blooming.  I picture that as the tongue (my tongue) that at times brings criticism and gossip.  There is also a lush tree that covers our patio.  This bad boy is huge with healthy leaves that sound like the ocean when a rush of wind catches them.  This tree has been given what is needed to flourish and survive.  That is a Proverbs 15:4 tongue.

                            I have to surround myself with tongues that bring life.
                           Don't let ignorant words shape the direction of your life.

"My strengthen in life is I am Yours."

I am More.

We celebrated another Mother's Day, thankful for children and healthy children at that.
For several months now, I have been struggling finding myself outside the title of mother.  A wonderful title it is but I never want it to become my identity.
There was a celebrity on television discussing the birth of her new child and she said "now I understand my purpose."

My children are not my purpose.
My husband is not my purpose.
My family is not my purpose.

I was created an individual with gifts and talents that were God breathed into me before I was even born.  My beautiful babies are a blessing to a life that had purpose before them.
On really hard days, when the routine is too routine and the mess is the same mess I cleaned up yesterday, I have to remind myself that.
I am more.
I remind myself that truly knowing who I am will benefit everyone around me.
I am more.
I am not going to wait until they are out of the house to develop my character.
I am more.
I have my own dreams and desires that I should pursue.
I. Am. More.

I love my children.  I ache when I am away from them, but I am more than mom.  When I have conversations with people I care about, I want those to be more about who I am becoming and where my heart is and to listen and care about their situations, trials, joys, and their life.
So easy to get sucked into allowing our children to become our world and everything and everyone circling around that too.
When we became pregnant, we chose to sacrifice at that moment many things, but I will never give up on my spiritual growth, my marriage....myself.

I picture our status' following overhead, our own labeled titles that we give ourselves.  Today, I am jumping high and wiping that clean.  Bursting the cloud that describes me based on my current status.
I am identified by many components.

I am sensitive to others, I enjoy laughing, alone time, learning, breathing in fresh air, I am fighter for justice, and I love to love.
I am also angry of past situations, anxious, fearful of circumstances I cannot control, confused about my direction in life, and hurt by people's unintentional actions or words.
I've got some work to do.
I started a study with a friend of mine and we are only on day two, but I am already soaking in the information and just grateful that I can spend time with another woman on a weekly basis discussing, well, us.
I will leave you with an insert from this study.  He is preparing me for eternity so waiting until my kids are off to college or married isn't an option, the work and the shifting needs to be happening now.

"Part of being in the family means God is now working on you.  One reason we have difficulty accepting His work in our lives is that our view of Him is so limited.  God is much greater than we give Him credit for.  He really knows what He's doing.  When you're in the mist of trials, you can rejoice to know that God loves you and that He will work in your circumstances according to His larger purpose for your life.  He is molding you into what He wants you to be for eternity.  So determine now to get the full benefit of your trials.  Life is short, and eternity is very, very long."

I would be a little more panicked about our current situations if I thought that this life was it.

It's not.

Future Focused

Today I have been thinking about a Mother's Day gifts for my own mother and mother-in-law.  I love and respect both of them and I know that they do a tremendous amount for our family. They both dedicate a day to watching our children...for free.
I started thinking about what kind of people my children would end up with.  Justin and I have discussed how many children we would like to have (Lord willing), and of course we both would have many, many children because they are amazing and bring so much joy and fire to our life.
I told Justin that 3 would be my top number only because I realize that one day, they will find a girlfriend/boyfriend and spouse and I desperately desire to count them as my own children.
I want to love them like my own, spoil them like my own, hug them like my own, and have a sincere and genuine relationship with them.
My hopes are pushing it....I know but deep deep down my desire would be for them to
call me,
come to me,
cry to me,
listen to me,
and personally that I would have the time to know them.

Sure for the first 18-30(ish) years my children will be my only, but once they date and marry, that number will quickly double.  I hope that what I do for them does not come off as annoying or intrusive but as loving.

To Bram's future wife:
Bram is our baby, first born, intelligent and right now a bit spoiled (we are working on it).  If his personality remains the same, you will hopefully show him how to loosen up and enjoy life, enjoy nature, to take a deep breathe.  He has a sensitive spirit and I believe that he is compassionate and hurts when other's hurt.  He is sweet and every day he touches my face and tells me how pretty I am.
I imagine you bringing a bit of uncertain spunk and spontaneity to his life.

To Lucy's future husband:
Lucy is still young but she is such a happy girl.  Her personality is starting to truly come through and she is a spit fire.  She can hold her own with Bram and knows what she wants.  I imagine her being dedicated, determined and also lively and fun.  I think she will need a man that can guide her and bring her back down to earth now and again.
What a beauty she is, just breath-taking.

To our future children:
First and foremost for we  pray you will seek out Godly women/men.
Obviously you will be wonderful inside and out...guaranteed you will have your daddy wrapped around your finger within your first minute of birth...seems to be the trend.

Do you think I am being a little too future-focused?  That my children are still too young?
Ask my mom who still remembers my brothers telling me that I had the "gift of blab" and standing on top of the furniture around 4 or 5 bossing everyone around (they obeyed).
Or ask my mother-in-law whom I'm sure has many wonderful memories of little Justin, but especially his head full of dark curls.
I think as my kids grow and I continue to parent, as long as I am consistent (still developing), loving, a disciplinarian, respected and respectful, understanding, available, trustworthy...what else will they portray about me to their future spouses.
I have never wanted to be a dictator over my children or push for perfection, just a good parent.

These will be the most trying, difficult, beautiful, tearful, joyful, and snuggly 18 years.  Pretty sure these past 3 1/2 years of parenting have come and gone in the blink of a tired eye.

(Yes, I someday picture Bram's 6'4 body cuddled on his mamas lap)

..................just being future focused on a beautiful May evening.

"Verhicle"

Sometimes writing in the midst of the unknown helps ensure clarity within myself.

So I am writing.
It's just a season, huh?  Which season is that again?

Yesterday J was having car trouble.  We are not strangers to car troubles.
I guess most people just take their cars in and pay for them to be fixed?
Simple.
Is that what they do?

We have never drove new or fancy cars or had the option to just take them into the mechanic when they started running poorly.
It used to bother me.
I felt like my stuff defined me.

It doesn't.
I know we are way cooler than our vehicles.

It obviously still bothers me when the vehicle refuses to run and that makes me nervous.  We need the cars we have to go to work, transport our children, do what normal Americans do to get around.

Back to yesterday.  When J called me sounding concerned, I felt a peace.  I knew something was wrong with that 1996 Subaru Legacy  (first time I have ever publicly announced that) and I could hear the worry in J's voice, but my anxiety was at rest.
I prayed.  I prayed for a super natural work to be down in the old car.
J spent five hours working on that car.  He had already worked a full day and it was finals week, but he took care of us.
Today the car began acting up again.  Not just acting up but it threw a fit.
It was towed away off of the interstate around 7:30 pm tonight.
What does this mean for my prayers?  That they aren't answered?  That it wasn't a big enough deal or issue?  That there are people starving and my car problem isn't on His to do list?

This is where my daily circumstances can either determine my emotions or because I have faith, my character remains strong.  It remains true to who I say I am and what I believe in.

Let me be very clear, my core is quite pissed.  It's easy for my mind to whirlwind into the financial things J and I have had to fight over the years and when that inner anger rushes in, it's easy to forget the blessings.

Today I called out.  I called out to my God.  I explained our situation, as if he wasn't aware, and at one point I was begging for a miracle.
A car miracle.  If I can pull a hollywood on it, we could call it a "verhicale" or "verhicle"?  No?
Fine.

The Lord has always provided for us, but that doesn't make the situations in the moment any easier but right now, the peace in my soul is there.

He is doing a work in me.  To me that means that he allowed this circumstance to occur because He wanted to strengthen me, build my character, pull the tar from my heart.
That's way cooler than a verhicle (sorry) at this point.  My heart is way more valuable to Him.
A few weeks ago, I was moaning about my finances and I felt Him say, "I would be more concerned about the condition of your heart than your finances."
Ouch.

I am going to go to bed with the unknown remaining to be the unknown.  I don't have an answer or a funny surprise story where the car walked home.
It's at the shop and we don't have control at this point, doesn't waiver my faith.

What do we have to lose to even whisper a prayer whether out of desperation, from the depths of our souls, from heartbreak, anger, abuse, confusion........................the unknown.
Really though, can it hurt?

Jehovah Jireh-The Lord Will Provide.