I had this Valentine's day post all ready to go; however, I spent a lot of time painting and thinking today and I changed my mind.

These past few months, Justin and I have been dealing with some difficult things.  At the core, the issue does not lie within either of us about each other, but when any couple feels the weight of stress, frustration and hurt the tendency is that it overflows into daily life and typically, it's easier to hurt those closest.

I thought yesterday that Justin and I should do a project together.  In my head I imagined us engaging with each other and opening up all while keeping busy.  I forgot the hundreds of HGTV shows where couples did projects together that actually brought out the worst in them.  In our case, it began in silent painting...the sound of the constant brush motion along with the arthritis in my wrist flaring up. While I was sitting there I couldn't help but think that at any moment he was going to apologize for hurting my feelings because he was upset with someone else.

Paint. Dip. Paint.

At one point, I thought for sure he was crying thinking about how innocent I was in all of this.

Paint. Dip. Paint.

Okay...any moment he is going to start talking and just confess how in the wrong he was.

Paint. Dip. Paint.

Come to find out, I am quite sure he was thinking all of those thoughts, but in reverse.  Remind me next time when I send my kid to his/her room to think about what they have done.  Mostly likely they are thinking about how I handled it wrong.

I ended up breaking the silence.  As we talked, I kept thinking how much he hated the old paint color and that instead of just living with it, we chose to take the time to put work into it, to make it our own, to not just endure the mustard yellow walls that surrounded us every day. Same with our relationship with each other.  We will forever be making it our own, repainting when necessary and putting the day to day work into it.

What's interesting within both of our pain is that separately we are dealing with our own heartbreak in different areas of life and with that we are doing our best to navigate it together.  It's easy when one spouse is doing great and the other is down, the great picks the down up.  This is our first time where we both have felt down for a while waiting on the great to pick us up....where's the great???  Who is supposed to be the great this time??  Then we both end up laying there....waiting....too weak to pick the other up. You can lay on the floor forever, but you will never become a rug.

Personally, the past few months for me have been raw and emotional.  I have confided in a few but for me, it's better to not attempt to get the advice from too many people because instead of working through it myself, I fall too easily onto other people. This has been something that I have had to just work through, listen to others, pray, but ultimately go through all of the steps for myself. I think with all of the heavy processing going on in my head, when I get home it's easy for me to be a monster to Justin. I have to remind myself that it has nothing to do with him.  I think of the saying "hurt people, hurt people."

I am reading a book recommend by a new friend (that I stalked down in the clearance Valentine's day candy isle, just saying, you know it's a good woman when we met up there).  The author talks about how her and her husband are in South Bend and they decided to just leave all of their personal/internal junk there...in South Bend.
Justin and I agreed to do just that. That we were leaving years of mis-communication, hurtful words, prideful moments and arrogance at Lowes...in the tile aisle.

Since it's not natural for me to just let it go sometimes, I felt the need to bring it back up on the way home and so therefore we actually left our baggage on 650 but one more thing came up so technically the baggage of 10 years of unintentional or intentional hurt is sitting on Indigo Blue Blvd.  It cannot be picked up again, that's the rule.

There are times when you just have to let it go. That trying to figure it out or making it right just may not happen. Sometimes an answer and even an apology doesn't cut it. Will I get angry again about mostly stupid and petty stuff?  Of course. Will I get fired about things I am passionate about?  Yes and Yes. But I will always remember that the junk from yesterday and the days before are sitting on Indigo Blue Blvd.

I really love this new paint color.

Girls Will Be Girls

Being a woman is hard.

Never mind the fact that we can push a human out of our bodies, we also can bleed for 5 days and live to see the next week...we are actually quite amazing human beings.

Aside from the physical beauty that we endure...emotionally we are quite unpredictable and there are a few days that I don't even understand myself.  I wish I had the ability to wave a magic wand to prevent my girls from any weird "womanisms". I want to create an environment for my little loves that demonstrates what it is to be a woman that can love, embrace and encourage other women.

Don't be a Jealous Woman:  Be genuinely happy for people you love. We should get that same rush when something amazing happens to someone else that we get when it happens to ourselves. Don't devalue your own blessings by wanting someone else's. Chances are, you have something someone else wants.
Embrace what you have.
Do not let bitterness entangle your soul.

Become A Great Friend:  Focus on the friendships that you want to fight for. Some may not work out, and it may be something you will just have to mourn and then walk away from.  However, there are really great people in the world.  Amongst the chaos of what you may see or experience, I have met some of my favorite people in the midst of transition or heartache and they continue to hold my hand through the good and bad. Choose kindness and loyalty above all. You have to think outside of yourself.  Find out what your friends love and what you can do to make their day...be the friend that they need not the friend you expect them to be to you. What's the reward for that? Maybe nothing immediately, but I do believe it does a deep inner work within yourself over time.
Revenge, gossip- it's ugly on the inside and eventually will seep out. And as your mother, I will do my best to help redirect conversations we have about your peers. I truly care about your daily life and you will learn from how I respond to conversations about other people.  

Own Up:  When you mess up, like we all do, own it.  Be honest, come forward, even if no one else knows it.  Just own it.  Everyone makes mistakes and that's okay.  Release any internal desire to become defensive. 

Listen.

Internalize.

Even if you don't agree with the evaluation.  Process to see if there is any truth before rolling your eyes.  No one ever complained about the person who was too honest or forthcoming.  

Not Everyone Will Like You:  That's okay, honey.  Let go of trying to make everyone like you and cling to those who truly care about your daily life.  Chances are, you might lose the best by reaching towards the mediocre.  You can only hold on to so much.  Your number of friends doesn't give value to who you are. You have permission to disagree, you have permission to feel what may not be popular with everyone else, you have permission to go with your gut, you have permission to be bold, opinionated, loyal, a dreamer, a life long learner.

Social Media:  If this is even still a thing for you: Refrain from social media revenge.  You don't need to post quotes, blogs, or whatever else is out there as a method of revenge.  Be courageous and tell people how you feel.  Think the best of others, do your best to evaluate what they have going on in their life.

Need Him Not:  A boyfriend should not fill any void.  His presence or lack there of should not dictate your decisions, attitude, or self worth.  He should only enhance who you are. If for any reason, you find yourself a complete loser of a man...trust my ability to spot them quickly.  I have seen my fair share. I have complete confidence that the love your dad has shown you since day one will give you a clearer perspective on how any man in your life should treat you.   

Be Better Than I Am: I truly desire for you to be the best version of you possible.  I want you to be so much better than I am now.  I promise to celebrate with you, push you to your limits, let you cry, let you process with adults other than myself, laugh daily together, pick you up with no strings attached, leave behind any hurt you may cause, paint your toenails when you are pregnant...I will do my best to be a consistent and loving mama.

Lastly, choose the wedding dress YOU want.  And even when you walk out in your "perfect dress" that is green and black camouflaged which you had designed specifically for your hunter finance...I will hold in my opinion...

...to the best of my ability.

You girls are worth it.

Change.

I haven't blogged since September.
I sat on the couch leaning back and could see the laptop sitting there on the landing...just far enough that I had to get up to reach it. I tried to do the mind trick where I told the laptop to come to me, but that didn't work.  It was basically calling my name, although my lazy self had to convince my body to actually stand up to get it.

It was a quiet moment...a short moment that I knew would fly by quickly.
As is life.

This May, we will hit yet another milestone in life.  Justin will be finishing school.....(for now, unfortunately for me, the guy loves to learn)...

June 30th we will celebrate 7 years of marriage.
7 years of a lot of laughter and dedication
plus
3 children that are so full of personality & deeply beautiful

The big 3.0. didn't seem to affect me much but for some reason, the thought of sending our oldest off to kindergarten has me feeling all sorts of old.
J and I knew going into 2014 that there were going to be some big changes in our lives.

We are in this odd/exciting season of transitions, decision making and remaining faithful.
Choosing to trust and allowing to let go of any worry or anxiety that comes with all the change.
Embracing what's next.
Loving the day that is-instead of desiring to love what it is to come.

4 more weeks until we say "bye-bye" to Justin's schooling.
2 months until our sweet first born daughter turns 3.
3 1/2 months until I lay with my head on the steering wheel crying as Bram walks into school. Initially, I pictured myself in the grass outside the school on my knees with one arm out and the other grasping my heart screaming "Noooooo...!"
(For the months leading up to, I will choose to be the creepy mom from the book "I love you forever" and I will sneak into his room while he sleeps and stare at his sweet face. I wonder if that mom ever creeped on her kid while he was in his kindergarten class, through the window?)

I will admit, sometimes I stare.
I sneak away from my desk at work and stare at Bram in preschool.  I love watching him interact with other kids, play, learn, etc. He is one of the sweetest kids I know.
I stare at Lucy's eyes, even when she isn't looking directly at me. They have a glisten that I have truly never seen in another human being.  I get taken aback by her every day.
I stare at Liza's chubby hands and feet.  I like to take my finger across her little hand and feet dimples.
She is growing so fast, watching her wobble around is the most fascinating thing.  Love. Love. Love.

It's too hard to stare at Justin....he's an adult and catches on quickly.
However, I have never known a man that loves me more.

I am clinging to the fact that the light at the end of the tunnel is blindingly bright.
Those detours, difficult decisions made years ago, frustrations, any financial strain, I believe has (and will continue to) given us this bold faith in God that we can't shake.


I gotta go get my shades now.

Dear Mr. Thicke,

Dear Mr. Thicke,
The only blurred line I believe is the fog that must have overtaken your brain.
Today was the first day I stumbled upon your music video and I found myself looking around my empty living room in disbelief (or a man to punch).
Are you trying to tell me that my NO really means YES?
Are you saying my job as a woman is to twirl my long hair and suck on my finger?

Hey Robin....stop classifying every women as a classless, man needing, desperate, slutty, mindless object.
Did you even read your lyrics?  Ohh...probably because you don't write your own music.
Here, I'll type them out for you, but only if my super slow woman brain can find the right letters on the keypad.
I guess as long as I'm sexy and can stroke your ego we are all good, right Mr. Thicke?

OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you.

\

Yeah, I had a bitch but she ain't bad as you
So hit me up when you passing through
I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two
Swag on, even when you dress casual
I mean it's almost unbearable
In a hundred years not dare, would 
Pull a Pharside let you pass me by
Nothing like your last guy, he too square for you
So I just watch and wait for you to salute
But you didn't pick
Not many women can refuse this pimpin'
I'm a nice guy, but don't get it if you get with me

And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it

I can't believe the things we get fired up about as a society and then this our song of the summer.
I guess "cool" surpasses respect for women.

HEY HEY HEY.....I'm not the one that you need to be worried about, Mr. Thicke. In a few decades, I am going to have an independent, fiery 22 year old woman that I raised and she's the one that you need to be worried about coming and kicking you in the balls.

I'd put your cup on now.


Well, Mr. Thicke, I have maxed out my time out of the kennel as you know..............an animal and all.  

And for the record....I don't want it.

Fakebook

Last Sunday Justin suggested that I pick up some ice cream for the kids. I thought about the cute picture I would take while they were eating their ice cream on a Sunday evening....I could even do a cute little comment like "Lovin' Life" or "Perfect Kids".
As I drove to Target, I decided instead of posting the one picture where everyone is happy, I would take pictures of what the process took to get to the original picture I wanted to post. (with me here?)

   The parking space I wish I had.                                           How we all got into Target                                                                                                                        (this is why I usually go alone)

The distance from the ice cream to the front door...wowzer!

No popcorn this time.

                                                       








                                                 

 No.                                                                                                    No.

Let Go Lucy.

We have to wait until we get home to eat the ice cream.

                  I promise the ice cream is coming.                                                  

 My original picture.
"Sunday Ice Cream Fun"

                                                                                 Clean-up.


I love my kids.
 I love the mess and the chaos and the joy they bring...but facebook is funny, because you get to choose what others see and then we decide from that, that everyone's lives must be so much better or easier.

So just remember when you see Susie Homemaker posting pictures of the armoire she refurbished, all the meals made for the week, had adequate time with all of her children equally and ended off her Monday with her husband in a tickle fight, while you are fighting to get through your Monday and your goal is to at least get one load of laundry in and possibly wash your face or heaven forbid put a bra on......
I'm confident that the latter is more realistic.

(And don't think that this means that I won't be posting the cutesy pictures here and there, I just I thought this post might be a good reminder.)


Life is good just as it is.
Here's to you mamas.

Just a journal entry.

It's been a weird summer for the JJ Langebartels household....the stress over the past few months has made me a bit angry....and a tad bit extra angry at other times.

My prayer this morning:
Breath new life into me.  Uproot the anger and bitterness.  My way is not the way of everyone and is not necessarily the "right" way.  Drench me in grace.

From that two line prayer, I felt the Lord speak this over me:
First, choose forgiveness.
Cherish those that love you right.
Embrace those you don't always agree with.
Laugh with those that have unintentionally hurt you.
Love those that have treated you unfairly.

Release the seed of resentment and anger before it has a chance to entwine and root around your heart.  It's easy once the moment everything has been made right to forgive, but choose to forgive when you would rather stew and feel as if they do not deserve your forgiveness.  
I will show up there.

No more excuses, daughter.  Your reasoning for choosing anger-even when justified-will overshadow and deeply darken joy filled moments in your day.
Your heart is one of Justice but when improperly worked, it can be destroying.  Let me teach you what it means to seek Justice with love.

Today, surrender the anxiety.
Today, be joyous and thankful for all you have.
Today, be mindful that you cannot control tomorrow.
Today, embrace the husband that loves you and the beautiful children you get to raise.

Turn your eyes from all that you do not have.  

There is no amount of worry today that will help guide tomorrow.

Release your clinched fists, I would like to take control now.

Trust me.




I'm ready.

It's Not About the Sandals

Two posts in one week is unlike me, but this conversation has come twice this week.

When people hear the name Jesus, different first words come to mind.
Love
Death
Sandals
God's Son
"Just" a good man

Healer-Don't be scared off by the scripture...I'm not preaching.
At sunset, the people brought to Jesus all who had various kinds of sickness, and laying his hands on each one, he healed them.-Luke 4:40
Jesus was the ultimate healer in the new testament.  At almost every gathering, Jesus healed someone.  It was prophesied that He would come and heal, and He did.

When I was young, my mamaw was very sick and I remember praying that the Lord would heal her.  At that age, it wasn't a question in my mind. From my knowledge of the Lord, you asked, believed and He would heal. When she passed away it was my first experience of disappointment in the Lord.

Healing in the new testament seemed to be rooted in faith for the most part. When Jesus would ask, "Do you have faith?" the people would cry out "Yes! Yes!" But I do wonder in their minds....in the back of their minds were they concerned about the healing not happening like they wanted it and that the outcome could possibly be.....death?

I had a conversation with one of my best friends this week about healing.  It was a conversation that opened up a struggle for us both asking where is the healing?  We talked about how we felt like it should be more common and not a rarity and how we have both seen many people die of diseases after hundreds, thousands and I'm sure sometimes, millions of people come in agreement in prayer.  I've been reading a blog about a man who is sick and they are asking, claiming and believing in healing.  I see his wife curled up on his bed beside him and my heart aches.
Heal him, please.  

Do I believe that God raises things out of death?  Yes
That His knowledge and understanding is more than my tiny brain can grasp?  Yes
That death is sometimes just the consequence of our actions and sins?  Yes
That God knew the power of death and that is why the Easter season is so celebrated because death is overcome and we should long for the days of the Kingdom?  Yes
Is it still hard to understand and grasp?  Yes

I want to see more healing.  Justin and I were talking about it and just asking questions back and forth to one another.  He was asking why we don't see it as much.  Some blame our American culture and that we don't rely on God or have the faith needed, which I am personally not in complete agreement with but I understand that it's hard to be reached when you have everything.  Justin questioned the lack of time given and dedicated to prayer and alone time....which at this season is dare I say, difficult.
And as stupid as this sounds I wonder, doesn't He know that people would then believe, that it would be a testament of His love and that He is alive....that He is real?  Where is the healing?  Where is the healing through prayer?  Where is the spontaneous healing that happens instantly in someone's living room while a small group is in prayer?
I don't believe it needs to be a spectacle or only happen on a Sunday morning or within the walls of the pastor's office. Some of the best work the Lord has done in me has been by ourselves, on a random Thursday, in my living room.

I do laugh to myself wondering if the Lord is saying, death is just the beginning.  This earth cannot even compare, it's like wanting Folgers over Starbucks. (that was the best I could do for now)
I just know, that if someone I loved needed life saving healing, I would pray for healing and pray that they could withstand the Folgers a little longer and trust that the Lord would/could/can heal.

As hard as it is to understand the whys , I will always put all my chips on the Lord.