No more fluff

I spent most of my mid-20's trying to outrun my late teens and early 20's.  I dreamt of being a girl that no one knew of or had heard any stories about...no pre-conceived thoughts.  Just a girl.  I was allowing my past to slow me down, like my arms where chained to a ton of bricks on each side.
Are those whisper about me?  Are those glares coming my way?  What did she hear? What do they believe?  Do they know that I would open up if they asked?
Do they see the work I am putting in to who I want to be and not who I was? Do they think I'm fake?  Why is no one pursuing me?  Do they think my past is going to swing around and knock them down?  Am I allowed to raise my hands in church even though I'm confused about what I know versus what I believe?  I felt contagious.  Those kind of questions haunted me for years.  It's time to embrace the grace.  Not glorify the sin but allow the transformation to keep us in awe.  God created our brains to allow us to remember events, choices...life.  What a gift, huh?  To have the ability to pull up the memory of your wedding day, the birth of your child...but in that same breath, those memories can be haunting.
God is a genius.
Absolutely we are forgiven, but yes, our brains were created to remember....remember what He has done.  I do believe that pain changes our course in life sometimes and because we easily fall back into sin patterns, memories arise and we remember the pain, disappointment, disgrace, hardships.
  
I made a poor decision 10(ish) years ago when I moved to Florida, possibly to escape from life....not realizing that at that point I wasn't living anyways.  I was sustaining.  I knew only one other person in Florida that I lived with.  I found other escape methods whether it was attention from men or drugs.  Escape.  I had not an ounce of self-esteem.  God was there.  His heavenly host was in my presence through every poor choice, protecting me.  I picture his wings surrounding me like an umbrella.  The head of the angel head high, strong, mighty, chest out wings held in tight...embracing me, "she is mine".  There was still pain associated with my sins and I had to do a lot of adjusting, obeying and withdrawing....but through it all was His grace.  
My first and last Thanksgiving in Florida I was sitting on the couch alone eating canned fruit.  Really?  Is this what life is supposed to be like?  I had no clue, but I knew something was off.  God says, "it's time to change daughter" and puts his hand on my heart and gently squeezes.  A tug.  Pain.  Blinders coming down.  I called my brother, Kyle and told me him that I needed to come home and that things weren't going well.  I don't remember the exact conversation and if I was even in my right mind.  I do believe remembering him asking me if things were going to change and I said yes.

He left that night.  Did you hear that?  He left that night.

  He got off work and drove through the night to pick up his baby sister because he loved me.  I remember embracing him and feeling like I was at home.  It was one of the most significant moments of seeing Jesus through another human being.  He bought me some taco bell....yes, I was broke and starving.  I'm sure I stunk his car up like smoke with all my junk but he drove me home without judgement.  It's something that I will always hold dear to my heart.  Where would I be if he had not  rescued me?  There is power in that.  It speaks "Jesus".  It says even when you are not present, He is.  It was not an overnight miracle story...it was years of Him squeezing tighter and tighter.  Pain.  Shifting.  I'm worth more.  Before that trip to Florida I had been living in a spiritual desert and even once I returned home, the flood gates did not release.  Sacrifice.  Letting Go.  Reading.  Praying.  Studying.  Surrounding.  Once he released my heart from his grip it was time to remold.  Slowly shaping into the woman he created me to be.  I turn 30 this year and I am at the point where now it bothers me that people look at me and don't see the story with it.  I embrace my past.  I embrace the chains that have been broken off.  Beautiful, right?

Thank you Kyle.
Thank you Jesus.

5am

It took me an entire week to come up with a blogger name and yes, this is the best I could come up with.  Originally, I was thinking about calling it No Name because I like the thought of my past, my status, my job, my name does not define me.  In a hundred years, people will not talk about me on a daily, monthly or possible yearly basis (very possible).
What will matter is how I raise my children and how they raise their children and so on and so forth, that will become our generational bond.  What am I doing today for the Kingdom?  How am I showing my children Christ and his love?  What ways can I pray for them?  I then remembered the many times that I have and still do hear the Lord call my name and I know that holds weight in itself.  My name is Christ's bride, wife, mother, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, friend...my name is Janna and He sees me as beautiful, made in his image without flaw.  I desire a genuine heart and spirit full of gratitude and joy, not anxiety and control.  He whispers "beautiful".  On the days I am completely exhausted and feel like there is nothing left to give.."beautiful".  When I become frustrated with sin patterns.."beautiful".  When my heart aches and breaks for the homeless and how I have cried several times while driving, walking or even seeing those who have nothing..."beautiful".  When he gave me the a wonderful husband who works so hard and has such a servant heart..."beautiful".  When he gave me two healthy beautiful babies.."beautiful".  That's what He calls me.

I rolled, literally, out of bed this morning at 5am on a Saturday morning.  Not out of obligation but because I thought it would wonderful if I could have some hours to myself before the kids woke up.  Here are a few reasons why I chose to wake up at 5am

-To take a shower without worrying about Bram poking Lucy in the eyes and/or throwing random things in his fish tank.  I found him soaked yesterday and he told me the fish splashed him.  Pretty sure your 1/2 inch long betta fish did not splash you.  I actually laid down in the bath and stared at the ceiling in silence,  It was amazing.

-To drink my coffee while it's still hot.

-To have some quiet time with the Lord.  To read in peace.

-To get on my knees and pray for those that I have committed to praying for.

-No noise.

-To look at Bram while he is sleeping and I noticing how much he looks like his daddy when he sleeps.  I consider them to both be what I would call a "free" sleeper.  Not so much a pretty sleeper with both hands in prayer position under their check and hair placed perfectly on the pillow.  More of a free spirited sleeper with mouths wide open, arms out wide, legs tangled in the sheets and their hair sticking up in all positions.

It's been a good day.