With 3 children under our wings and our youngest being over two, we have been asked the question, "when is the next baby?" 

Because I appreciate others asking about our lives and loving on our children, that question doesn't bother me at all. It's wonderful having people that care and love enough to ask us "what's next" whatever that may be.

The truth is, I am satisfied with our family ratio.  I went into the beginning of our pregnancy with Zaza with the mindset that this was my last pregnancy, labor & delivery, infant, hospital visits...this was the last of those very specific, celebratory, joyous times.  In my heart, I feel a complete confidence with where we are at with our family and the number of family members that I am personally responsible for.  I understand that I have a working uterus and eggs that continue to drop. Trust me, I experience the aftermath on a monthly basis.  

The biggest struggle for me has been to admit that all of my reasons for having a fourth child are completely narcissistic.   

For me personally, there are most definite times during past pregnancies that I have felt a validation as a person, woman, contributor to society, bringer of newness (not an actual thing)....the truth is, I have felt the most important when I am pregnant or have a newborn to introduce.  People become a little more helpful, Facebook is a little more "likey", family and friends become a little more engaged and considerate...it's fun, exciting, and for a moment, I feel like I am giving something to the people I am needing the most affirmation from.  It's a brand newness that is immediately surrounded by an incredible, unwarranted love. 

When we decided that Zaza was our last, I was worried about having nothing else to contribute. I worried that that delicate time where others were eager....oh so eager to help, was over. That my Facebook likes and smiley lovey eyes would lessen because kids are not as adorable as babies.

We ARE pregnant!!!!  *Facebook likes & comments = Janna validated

It's a boy/girl!!  *Facebook likes & comments = Janna validated

Baby is here! *Facebook likes & comments = Janna validated

It was a struggle because my heart felt fulfilled but something within my head said that the days of extra help and maybe love and attention were redirected.  I was worried people wouldn't ask me how I was feeling or if I was sleeping through the night.  I have had several sleepless nights that were not due to restless babies,  

What if I am only as good as the next baby I have? I worried that with every passing baby, jealously would just well up inside me because my baby days were done and I would just be thrown to the side. What if the woman (me) behind the baby isn't as neat as the baby?

However, my sister-in-law gave birth a few weeks ago.  This is one of the first births of someone I am personally close to where I haven't had a baby of my own.  Which means that I have energy...a LOT of energy and time to give to this baby and the mama.  I am not too far removed to remember how exhausted I felt but far enough removed to not be that exhausted.  Instead of feeling an ache within myself to just have another baby because I am holding a baby, I feel a genuine desire to just enjoy the time.  It's been a realization that being a sister and an auntie is fulfilling and wonderful.

A shift happened in myself, where I became excited to help, visit and simply love my family without needing to compete.  These past few weeks have been so refreshing to my mommy soul because forever I will be a "mom" but only temporarily will I will be a mom to a newborn, toddler, middle schooler, teenager..... but through it all, we knew that three was the number we felt comfortable with. 

This is what I have to keep reminding myself:

-We both have decided that we want to be able to give the attention needed for each child and for us, this is our capacity.  In all honesty, 2 was our capacity but we can't really go backward now can we?
One of them we are just going to have to ignore...(oh relax, we ignore them all equally)

-We never want to have children due to difficult seasons within our personal relationship, a baby will never repair a marriage or circumstance(s).  I believe Joy is supernatural not circumstantial. 

-And I personally have realized that a baby will never fill a void within myself.  My own "baby validation issues" are something beyond pregnancy.  It's a recognition of something I need to work on within myself and also forming relationships that validate me for being just...me.

So go ahead, ask that mom with a 4 year old how she is feeling, truth is, her brain is probably fried from all of the world shattering questions her child keeps asking her.  Ask that mom with the student going off to college how her mommy heart is doing.  Ask that mom how her marriage is doing while juggling three children, work, life....
Ask that mom how she is doing as a woman.  Ask her what she is looking forward to for herself, ask her about the state of her soul, ask her about her dreams, ask her about her struggles.  Why do most women's eyes well up with tears when someone asks us about us....because it's rare.

There you have it, I have frequent narcissistic moments.  

*Lastly, if something happens where I do end up pregnant with a surprise baby, please do not shove this blog in my face.....that would be super uncool and I will unfriend you (and I may tweet something bad about you, like super bad...).