Year 1: Pastor's Wife- 3 Lies That I Thought Were True

My husband is a licensed pastor.  He was licensed last January and he is continuing on to be ordained by early 2017.
At home he asks that I refer to him as "pastor" or "master", I'm kidding......relax.

Growing up, the pastor's wives that I came into contact with were usually volunteers in the nursery, played the piano or answered the church phones.
My heart started this journey with it's feminist cape flying high. I never wanted to feel pushed into a role that only a "woman" or "pastor's wife" could or would fill because that's what I was (am), a pastor's wife.  Before any transition took place, I found myself in an underground tunnel with all the other outspoken pastor's wife refusing to disappear into the shadow of a title.
I had become a martyr.
Oh how time becomes the best source of knowledge, growth and maturity.

1.  I would lose my voice due to my gender.  What I had always seen as a child raised in the church was that it was a place where women were invited in...to do "women" type things. Change diapers on Sunday mornings, schedule the pot-luck or chili cook-off lunch every second Sunday of the month or lead a study on "How Can I Be More Like Christ, but the Female Version." It had always felt like such a male dominated world.  A little over a year ago, I felt the need to overcompensate, worried that I would lose my voice if I didn't put all my two cents in by the first month of his new job.  Needless to say, I had exhausted Justin by month two.  I don't know why the looming title on paper gave me the fear that he would think his knowledge and understanding dominated my own.  Instead of allowing us to merge ideas together and be a force, I easily divided us up before I gave him a chance to become settled in.  Justin is one of the most gracious and kind people I know.  He has taught me how to refrain from harming individuals and instead be loving, because seriously, when people refer to me as the church secretary, something super scary inside my body has to be refrained. They might as well call me the church uterus. My own deficiency is not due to the fact that I forget where I came from or what I have been through and all the forgiveness and tolerance that has been laced around my life, but simply to do with the fact that I expect everyone to do what I say.
What?  Is that so bad?  Smile.  It's a joke, mostly.
What's been really encouraging is that we have been surrounded by other pastors and couples that really love and embrace an obvious  resource, women.  How I have loved doing life with these people and how they are a constant reminder that yes, I desperately need Justin to lead our home but I also need to be heard.  I don't want Justin ducking down while I try and hold the umbrella to protect us from the rain, I need him to hold it.  But we are sharing the same umbrella, that's the part I am most excited about.

2. I need to be an extrovert.  When I picture Justin and I standing by each other, I see his kind face welcoming people over saying, "come, tell me about your day."  And then there's Janna.  More porcupine like with a face that obviously says "no thank you" and if you get to close I will start to shake my head to reiterate what my face already told you.  I did an experiment on my face with a friend at a conference.  When she sat in the aisle seat, our row was full.  Her face was welcoming and invited people to sit by us.  When I sat on the aisle, our row resembled that of a ghost town.  I even attempted a friendly face, but I think I just came off as sarcastic.  I am not a big party person or even large event goer.  I typically will say no to concerts (unless you offer me JT tickets, then I will go...alone of course), most of Justin's HSB concerts I steer clear of, holidays give me anxiety, any kind of large outing with people...I simply cannot handle it.
There is this expectation that because you are in ministry you enjoy large crowds, big events, showing off your Biblical knowledge;  "watch honey, I am going to show everyone up in the sword drill challenge at this party."
Cool.
Oh. So. Cool.
My social preferences lean more towards an introverted scene.  I love getting together with a small group of friends where they all love each other. I prefer small groups because I truly desire to know people and know them well.  I have really enjoyed making new friends these past few years and have allowed other women to speak into my life, without being offended or making excuses for myself.
Extroverts amaze me and some days I wish I could handle the stories, constant smiling, remembering people's names, and how they have enough of themselves to go around...that's my husband. He could be around people all the time and enjoy it.  His love languages are quality time and personal touch (of course).  Which is super interesting because mine are alone time and don't touch me.
I'm kidding.
Relax.

3.  We have to serve together.  Marriage was a commitment that I chose because I wanted to do life with Justin.  Life.  Life, for us, includes work.  Life includes my passions and his passions and finding a way to merge those together.  Obviously, we have enough in common or I would have lost interest almost a decade ago.  I am so thankful that I don't have to serve with him but that I get to.  I feel very lucky that we both have the opportunity to express ourselves creatively.
We brought the whole fam to help with Christmas tear down at church one Sunday evening.  I would like to quickly admit that I hate tearing down my own Christmas tree at home.  I have an organized rhythm going on for the first five minutes, then I start getting bored. and that, my friends, is why Justin hates putting the tree up.  The lights are a tangled mess, the ornaments are scattered in the tub and I'm pretty sure trash winds up in there as well.
Justin figured that taking three kids to help tear down would be more distracting than helpful.
I understood the concern.  However, this is the ministry that engages and teaches our children Sunday after Sunday and if this is a way we can serve together to help, well, I wanted to be there.  Lucy was so into it!  She had so much fun being part of a team of adults working together to get something done.  From my perspective, I saw my sweet girl being invested in by a group of amazing people. That place has become our second home and the people that walk in the doors have become our family.  And some of our greatest friendships have formed through serving together.
Serving has allowed me to see how health, joy, sacrifice and community can bloom while working together with others.

My type A, check list, overly organized personality has given itself freedom to dream alongside my husband.  Where we will end up someday, what we will be doing, all the unknowns of life-whether changing or staying the same-those things that used to frighten me now excite me.
With that same excitement I am thankful and loving the life we do together, today.
A new year has a way of bringing a fresh perspective and renewed understanding.  

P.S. One of my New Year's resolutions is to stop "nagging" Justin.  After a 30 minutes discussion over the exact definition of nagging (because I categorize it into, correct criticism, guidance, back seat driver and overall life help) we were able to negotiate some terms.
I'll keep you updated.

Normal day in the office...