Bladder Control

No one should have to push when they pee.  It's unnatural.

This is something that I have realized over the past year or so, something new. In the past, I would sit and without any hesitation, it would come flowing out.  Now I don't know whether to blame this on the three children that sat on top of my bladder for 9 months each (Bram quite longer) or just a gift from the mid-30's committee. What's worse, sometimes I am thinking "Am I even pushing right now? How can such an important part of my body be so lazy!" And thank you Jesus that it's hitting a bowl full of water because sometimes only the sound of the trickling (I wanted to say splashing but trickling sounded more feminine) lets me know that I am in fact, still going.  Truth is, if I didn't hear it, I would stand up and have huge mess on my hands. 

(By me we all know I mean Justin...right? That's not weird.)

There is some sort of weird correlation between my bladder and grace. If you are a child, teen or in your early 20's you will need to find another example and most likely another blogger to follow regarding grace.  

Because pee is all I got.  *can this be a hashtag?

Six months ago, we had an unexpected tragedy that shook our lives. Let me be very clear, I am not going to blame my circumstances on decision after decision and allow that to dictate, and possibly, mutilate the life I knew before.  I do know that any life altering tragedy can turn everything upside down, and with a few shakes, throw everything out of place and then flip it back over. 

Six months ago I was feeling good.  I was on an almost three month run of exercising every few days, I was reading and focused on writing and pressing towards some goals that I had for 2016, I am pretty sure in one of my blogs I decided 2016 was going to be the 'year of Janna'.  I was on a pursuit to write a book and excited to do it. I knew it was going to be hard and mixed with some disappointment, but I just wanted to finish it regardless of the path it took.  I was spending time with God regularly and felt filled.  I could be around people for longer periods of time without feeling like I wanted a bear to rip my eyeballs out of my head (fellow introverts will understand).  Once I stopped taking care of myself spiritually, emotionally and physically I became a shell of who I was working hard to be.
 I wasn't something glamorous like a seashell but more like a cicada shell or an old snake skin.

*Please don't think this entire blog is centered around grief, there are many circumstances in life that cause us to derail.  My goal was for it to be centered around grace and caring for ourselves and souls.

I was functioning through the day to day routines, but I felt like a deflated balloon on the inside. The indicator that I noticed first was that I was using my grace reserves.  It was running low. 

And I tried... 

I tried, I tried, I tried.  

I tried to feel refueled but refused to have any quiet time since it was so hard.  I didn't want to stop and be still........didn't want to hear what was on the other side. I tried to get on a routine of better eating habits and regular exercise but one simple hiccup would throw me off and I would throw a fit, grab my yoga mat and run home. Some of my friendships felt hard and/or forced and in those larger group settings, I was just begging and pleading for that bear to come and grab my eyes.
"Sorry guys, we need to go....Janna's eyes were just ripped out of her head.  What are the odds!"  

Peace out.  

Distant provided a way to eliminate disappointment because I didn't have any grace. 

I self manufactured as much grace as possible and it felt unnatural and was most definitely unsustainable. Just like my bladder, I had turned tired, lazy, unpredictable, unable to jump on inflatables/trampolines, and I didn't know how to make it stop. 

So I have been on a journey. The Lord has had to show Himself to me in some painful ways that were literally uncomfortable, but I appreciate the fact that I am still pursued. I would love nothing more than to eat an entire thing of Pringles while watching back to back episodes of the Real Housewives or Roseanne (shut up) with a 32 oz coke, but the next day I would wake up feeling awful.  I felt guilty for zoning out from the kids, I felt physically sick, I felt easily agitated and angry, I felt like my soul was sucked dry, and I felt like not one person got the best of me. I ended every day feeling guilty and woke up everyday feeling exhausted and annoyed with myself.

Thank God that I am not meant to do this life alone and that every morning I can wake up and choose peace and love and life.  Thank you Jesus that the course of my emotional, spiritual and physical state can change by choosing simple acts of obedience where I feel personally led. The step may be as simple as choosing to listen well that day, and I will still bomb days. Oh the days I will bomb will be many but instead of lying amongst the rubble, I will dust off the debris and move into the next hour with an even greater sense of accomplishment for choosing to get up.  

I have a community of people that truly love and care for me and when I am surrounded by them, I would be sad if that bear came along and ripped my eyeballs out.  It's a lonely, bitter, painful, tiresome journey when you aren't honest with where you are and aren't able to let people in.

No thank you to that.

And let me be perfectly honest, extending grace to some people can feel like a UTI,...it's painful, it's pressured, it burns....and there are moments were you can sit on that toilet all day and nothing comes out.  Get that sucker treated.  When I extend grace, it's just as much for me as it is for them.

Because for the health of my soul, I will choose grace, and I will extend it freely. (like 80% of time, I feel like that's a realistic goal)

Lysa TerKeust says it best, "Bitterness, resentment and anger have no place in a heart as beautiful as yours."

Below are some questions I started asking myself several months ago in order to reevaluate my state of mind. And to all three of you who are reading this, please keep me accountable when you see me!  

What am I beginning and ending my day with?

Do I have people in my life holding me accountable in certain aspects of my life that I know I need to mature/improve?

What do I spend my day thinking about?

Am I taking time for myself to do things that I am passionate about?

How would the kids rate my engagement with them today? 

Am I able to easily extend grace and love?