Spiritual What??

So here I am.
Fumbling with the keyboard.
Debating with myself.

Before I even started blogging, I have always wanted to open about spiritual warfare but I worried that it might scare people off.  I know I can't be the only one out there....so maybe if there is even one person who can relate, it's worth it???

Everyone has giftings.  Most people can identify with their giftings/talents quickly whether it's writing, drawing, musical, strong speaker, etc....and then there are people like myself.  Dabbling in just about everything trying to find what I am good at.
Being a clean freak does not count as a talent.
My talent search became more difficult once I married Justin.  This man is talented.  When I say I can't play piano, I mean dinging on it with one finger at a time.  Then J says that he can't play either but then plays some melodic song....geesh.  I didn't realize that "wasn't" playing.
Scratch piano off the list.
My drawings barely look like stick figures.  I still can't draw a 3D looking box.  I have been working on my bubble letters since freshman year..no good.
X out artist.
We had baby dedication a few Sundays ago and being on stage made me feel sick and Justin gets up there  almost every Sunday morning in front of everyone.  I don't know how he does it.  I think I am smiling but when I look back at the pictures, it looks like I am terrified.  Really?
Not a motivational speaker...or any kind of speaker.

I have always known that I was/am sensitive to the Spirit.  Certain situations/people can burden me instantly.  Now I have more understanding and know that the Holy Spirit is prompting me.  Not necessarily to give or talk but sometimes just to pray.
At church a while ago, our pastor was talking about a book that he really enjoyed and said that there were copies in the atrium if we wanted to buy one.  I walked out a bit early and saw a man who looked homeless, tattered clothing, ratty hair, dirty and he picked up a book and then he saw a sign that had a price for the book.  He quickly put the book down and looked back at me and we made eye contact................

 and he walked out the door.  I felt my heart reaching out for him, the lump in my throat growing and the tears in my eyes welling up.
I stood by the front doors and watched him walk away.
I cried for him for three days.
I still remember his face.

Sensitivity.
In the bathroom I felt like the Lord and I were crying together.  Who else was crying for him?  Maybe no one.  Maybe only me that day.
I am certain that the Lord cries out for each of His children.

Not even a year after J and I were married I started feeling a heaviness, spiritual heaviness.  I am not talking about my deceased grandparents or a ghost, but an awareness of the battle going on.  There is spiritual warfare going.  The bible is very clear about this.
This stuff is not only for the old testament or scary movies.  It's easy to picture Satan in a red suite with pointy ears and a pitch fork in the fiery pit, just "misunderstood" character.  This is not fantasy.  He is not a mythical creature.  He is not a halloween costume.
The battle is on and YOU are in the middle of it.  Right now.
Better get your armor on.

Ephesians 6:12
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I am talking very lightly about this subject but I do know when things are brought to the light, the power diminishes.  The power of the voice.
The battle will continue until He comes for his bride but at least we can be prepared.

Put on that full armor baby.

Girl Talk.

Since last summer, I really started evaluating what kind of friend I am, and then what kind of friend I want to be.  I don't consider myself to have "a lot" of friends, (which I am fine with, do not think this is a plea to tell me I have many friends) but the friends I do have, I am close and honest with.
I take friendship maintenance seriously, I know that time, care, and love have to be put into it.  I talk to the same people on a daily/weekly basis.  Besides my own mother and mother-in-law, I typically talk to the same 3 people: 

Rebecca, Lori, and Jen.
  I think for the most part, they know all my dirt or my current dirt.  I'm sure all three would agree that I am not the best person to call because for the most part, when I'm home and engaged, I don't answer.  BUT, I do my best to make sure when I do answer or call them back, that they have my full attention.
I told Becca the other day, that I would like to start a trend where when you are disinterested in the conversation, you can just hang up and that be okay.  Obviously that is where I need some more work.
Do you have specific friends that you call depending on the circumstances?  Either they get really excited for you, defend you, have sympathy for you, give sound/kind advice, loving, justice seeking...the list goes on.

Rebecca- The sister/friend.  I still feel like I can kind of boss her around and that she listens to me.  We shared a bedroom for 14 years, so we have many memories.  We share some of the same frustrations and giggles from our family.  Only she can make fun of another one of our family members...when other people do it, I ironically get angry.  We laugh together about things that others don't understand and that's my favorite part.  I feel like she has to love me unconditionally since I am her sister and I have to protect her since I am her big sister. 
She uses terms like "sissy" when referring to Lucy (which I find endearing) and gives the drink Sprite two syllable's instead of one.  When she comes around, I don't feel like I have to entertain her.  It's a relaxed relationship that developed before she had a chance to say no.  She has known me all of her life. 

Lori-The friend turned sister.  Just to clarify, I was friends with her before she started dating Brad.  Lori is a dedicated friend and family member.  She embraces family and what it means to be a sister and auntie.  Lori is fun.  She has a lot of energy and we both enjoy a lot of the same things.  The love Auntie Lolo shows my kids is incredible.  I see her love for myself and Justin through that.  I believe that she loves my kids almost as much as I do, she is always making them feel special.  We both desire to see each other, pray together, and do life.  I know that Lori would drop whatever she had going on if I needed her.  She is dependable, opinionated, and caring.
 
Jen-Where do I start with Jen??  Trustworthy and reliable.  Jen has one of the most beautiful hearts I have ever known.  She welcomed me with open arms into youth ministry before anyone else in the church gave me a second glance.  She saw something inside of me that I don't think I saw in myself.  Jen has a bold personality that people are drawn and attracted to.  Jen is creative and compassionate.  Jen and I both have a heart for justice.  I can call Jen and vent about anything and she will give a sympathetic ear.  I can always count on JenJen. 

I want lifelong friends. 
I want friends who are dependable.
I want friends who love me despite my many faults.
I want friends that love hard.
I want friends that I can pray with and that believe that our God is big.
I want friends that make me laugh until I pee.
I want friends that care about my day/week.

I want to be that friend

I have those friends.

Thank God for spiritual friendships.  Thank God for community and love.  Thank God that my personality is not too strange or big for everyone. 
I may not be your cup of tea, I may be to rough around the edges, my past may be too colorful,  too kept to myself, too much of a homebody...that's okay. 

I am always open to friendships but these three have stood the test of time, my time.  They have either always been there and/or have been there while I cried in their arms.
Thank you for being my safe place. 

It's time to be that friend.

Remember when......

Today, Bram and I were laying on the ground outside looking at the sky.  I felt like I had to keep him occupied or he would leave me...and I desperately wanted to stay in that moment.  He remained content, resting on my arm in silence...looking at a blank sky.

Easy to let moments slip by, either because of stress, looking forward to the weekend/special events, etc.
 
I wish away so many moments.
Here's to giving those moments a second chance. 
I remember talking to my mother on the phone before Rebecca was born.
I remember walking down the old wooden stairs and picking baby Rebecca out of the bassinet and walking her up the stairs into my bed. I thought she was my little doll. (scary to some new parents, huh?)
I can remember my brother Garett kicking a hole in the wall in the kitchen while mom was gone and us trying to glue it back together and at the end, G ended up hanging a picture of lady in her bathing suit over the hole...in the kitchen.
I remember a crazy chicken chasing me around on the farm, that sucker ran fast.
I remember putting on a dress and running around in the grassy field pretending I was Belle from Beauty in the Beast.
I remember my mother's soft tone growing up.
I remember always feeling ugly in middle school and junior high.  I hated my reflection.
I remember choking my brother Kyle (sorry ky) and making him cry.
I remember screwing back an old table together and feeling so handy.  I was so proud of that table. 
I remember choking on a Werthers butterscotch at church and someone giving me warm water so that it would melt and come back up. 
I remember my mom questioning whether or not I had on eyeshadow (which I did not, I would like to add) while she was driving.  I told her no but she proceed to lick her thumb and scrub my eyelid.
I remember leaving on the hose in the yard and dad coming home....
I remember every time my dad says "I love you". 
I remember hours of laughter with high school girlfriends.
I remember my selfishness.
I remember the bad choices.
I remember the redemption.
I specifically remember those who were gracious and non-judgemental.
I remember when my brother Garett was sent off to Iraq and sitting at church on a Sunday morning, crying in my chair.
I remember meeting my sister-in-law Lori at (was it Rock Bottom, Lori?) to talk.  I called her with some issues and she jumped to the idea of meeting right then to talk.  It was such a special moment to me, that she cared about me that much.
I remember my wedding day.  The wedding was great, but I just wanted to be married to Justin.
I remember seeing a "positive" on the pregnancy test after only being married 9 months and then buying four more.
I remember people saying, "well, if this year was good...just wait until year two."  Thanks for that.  We still love each other unconditionally and I think he is the most handsome/loving guy.
I remember Bram's beautiful face.  Stunning, breath taking, angel baby.  
I remember how much he cried and how little he slept.  Life changer in every sense.
I remember how much joy he has and continues to bring us.
I remember Lucy's birth (only 9 months ago).  I remember her first cry and everyone saying "yes, it is a girl".  So emotional, lovely...what a blessing. Sharing that moment/birth with Becca and Lori just topped it off.
I remember being hurt by people's words.
I remember the wonderful walk we took this afternoon in the beautiful sun with the perfect breeze.

I remember this morning when Bram woke me up at 1am complaining of pain in his foot.  I opened my covers, signaling him to get in and he snuggled next to me.
I remember him waking up again at 4am complaining of the same pain.  I started wondering if I should take him to the ER.  Justin was getting ready for work and asked Bram to sit on his lap.  I heard Justin say, "We are going to pray for your foot.  Do you know that Jesus wants to heal your foot?  Do you believe that He can heal your foot."  And I heard Bram's little voice say, "Okay."

Okay.  What an awesome response in a time of pain...........in the midst of discomfort, a three year old can say "okay" to someone he may not be able to see right now.
 "Okay, Jesus."
After Justin left, I could hear Bram praying, "My foot, dear God..."
I felt proud as a mother in that moment. 
This morning, when it was actually time to wake up, he still said that the pain was there and asked me to kiss it.  I felt an ache in my heart because I knew my kiss couldn't heal, so before kissing it we prayed again over his foot.


Sometimes when Bram sits really close to me, I close my eyes and smell him...is that strange?  I think I am trying to take in that moment, realizing how quickly they grow.  Sometimes I examine Lucy's chubby fingers and toes and try and kiss them all so so many times.
Sometimes I snuggle into Justin, while he is sleeping and take a deep breath and feel like I can't get snuggled in enough.

We will never have today again.  Myself, my husband, my children...they will never be younger than they were today.  Don't wish away moments for something better.  Maybe the best is here, would you ever purposely wish away the best?

Breath in deep, the most simple moment...this moment.  Acknowledge life, health, family, friends & memories.

blogger.com is my new counselor

Personally, I think the most embarrassing thing to discuss, bring up, or even manage in a public even private setting are finances.

We chose to live in Zionsville because it's close to family, work, church, and we feel like it's safe.  We pay too much for a townhome that we will never own.  We both drive cars that are less than impressive.  We haven't taken a vacation since we have been married. 
Justin works so hard, working full time, full time student, band life, and church responsibilities.  I do not resent him one bit because he is the hardest working man I know, but I do know the truth about our finances.

I know that some months are harder than others.
I know I like to make it look like that the stress doesn't weigh on me. 
I know it's not forever.
I know I'm not alone. 

Rent keeps rising, gas keeps rising, cost of food keeps rising. 

The month of September 2011 was one of those months.  It was a month when we had to decide whether or not we were going to pay a $50/month rent increase.  I remember praying for a door to open for a better opportunity if that is what we needed to do.  At this point I had just had Lucy 4 months prior and the thought of packing up and moving was exhausting.  Physically and emotionally I didn't know if I could handle the stress unless it was to a permanent home. 
Justin and I both realize that our home in Indiana may not be forever, we are both willing to uproot and move if we feel called to.  We knew that the time for permanent housing was not now. 

Praying.
No answer.
Open Doors.
None.
Praying.
Silence.

It's the day we have to either resign the lease or give our notice of termination. 

Really?  Nothing?  Silence?  Don't you understand that this a big deal? 
Where are you?

We decided to resign the lease because we thought it was the right thing for now. 
However, we weren't given a plan on how this was going to pan out. 

We hear messages about God's timing quiet a bit, but have you ever thought of past experiences and marveled at the timing and how your timing/my timing would have completely screwed things up? 
Easy to see after the bigger picture has set in, huh?  Trust me, our bigger picture has not been seen fully, we get glimpses of it, maybe a corner here or there...but never the complete picture.

The day after we resigned the lease will be a day that I hopefully will remember forever.
It was a hard few weeks financially which then turned into emotional stress...and that quickly can spiral out of control.
I remember looking in the fridge thinking, okay how can I make this stretch?  There was a very signifigant moment that I remember..... I remember ripping the last square of paper towel off. 
The significance to me and why it held so much weight, in my heart, I was ripping away a piece of the control. 
Yes, paper towel did all that for me.

This is harder to write than I thought it would be.  I keep finding myself get teary-eyed.  I think the pain of knowing how hard it can be, how hard it can get...I understand.  Slightly embarrassed because I "feel" like it should never be this way. 

Tough tough month.

He was silent for me. He seemed unphased and unaware. 

But He was vocalizing his love for my family to someone else. 
Instead of making everything fall into place in it's perfect way, we had to wait. 
Wait and pray.
Struggling through the silence.
Close to sleepless nights.

Justin came home that evening, the evening of the paper towel revelation and handed me an envelope. 
Inside, a check with a letter.  It was the most beautiful thing.
Justin and I both cried and held each other.
Beautiful.  How does the creator of the universe give us gifts?  I picture him looking at that moment proudly shaking his head;  I had you, it just wasn't your timing.
Isn't that just like God?   To wait until the lease is resigned, the unknown is lingering, the food is dwindling....the last piece of paper towel has been ripped away.

Thank you for those who follow in obedience when you hear his calling.  When you hear Him calling you to reach out, to use your resources, even when you question it. 

We may never know this family/person but it changed everything for that year.  Everything.

Wow, that I have a God that is relevant to my specific circumstances and lays his mighty hand over us and proclaims they are mine, they are my children.

My judgemental God.

  This lent season is about my mind becoming clearer so I can have a better vision of who Christ is and be more intent about hearing His voice. 
I think lent is different for everyone, whether it's giving up something, sacrificing time or sleep, adding something new to your routine....to be more aware of what and where our time is being spent.

For myself, lent is a reflection period.  It's human nature to want to better ourselves and when I look at my past year, I think of what and who I want to be.
 Ultimately, I believe that lent gives us a chance to work on ourselves, guilt free, and then hopefully it turns into a habit.
Within this first week of lent, I have already felt internally blessed.  I know that acting in obedience, whether it's difficult or not, is still obedience. 

For week one I had two separate "revelations" (if I may).
I wrote out a list in my journal on 3-3-2012

Am I angry because:
-I feel like I have never reached my full potential.
-Sometimes I don't know who I am.
-Sin patterns of feeling greedy, jealous, unhappy even when I have been shown nothing but grace, and doubt.
-Lies, either in my heart or out of my mouth.
-Unsatisfactory.
-Anxiety
-Control
-Worry
-I attempt to control things that are either out of my control or I am not responsible to control.  I do not allow others to do what they can or even meant to do because I want to control.  I want results now, not just any results, my results and in my timing.
When that doesn't happen, I worry and my worry then turns to anxiety.
Anxiety builds to anger.
The anger is either unidentified and/or not dealt with and becomes rooted and harder to pull up.
The anger turns to the foothold for satan to grab a hold onto and then the lies stream in.
"you are not good enough".
"you are not loved."
"they are better and more equipped"
"what is all of this for?"
..............................................................................................................and so forth.
I begin to resent people.  I resent family and friends.  I feel betrayed easily.  Heart broken more often.  Saddened by selfishness.  Unaware and not thankful even for my blessings.

Today, the Lord decided to intervene in his own timing and way. 
He said "Why are you so scared of me?  Why do you look at me as a judgemental God?  The payment as been made.  I love you.  I am proud of you.  I love you.  I love you.  I love you."

Peace.

I felt the worry begin to drip from my heart.
  Goodbye.
The anxiety slithered back into the ground.   
 Goodbye.
The anger prowled back into the fields.
 Goodbye.

Will this be the last time that I fight these off?  Unfortunately not, but they can be defeated, actually they were defeated years and years ago and I am a fighter with the greatest army by my side.
When people say that they are fighting their demons, I believe that.  When you lay dormant for so long, what is there to fight against? 
But when you awake from your sleep and decide to follow harder, stronger and with more intent, be aware....do not be frightened, but be aware.
The enemy is waiting...waiting for what?  To kill and destroy. 

Let peace be your covering tonight.  May the God that created the universe, that created us to create other human beings,  that created companionship, created talent and ability and created love to cover all. 

Love is not absent.  It is waiting for you.  You are not exempt.
He is not judging you.

Get over yourself.
Accept the love.