My judgemental God.

  This lent season is about my mind becoming clearer so I can have a better vision of who Christ is and be more intent about hearing His voice. 
I think lent is different for everyone, whether it's giving up something, sacrificing time or sleep, adding something new to your routine....to be more aware of what and where our time is being spent.

For myself, lent is a reflection period.  It's human nature to want to better ourselves and when I look at my past year, I think of what and who I want to be.
 Ultimately, I believe that lent gives us a chance to work on ourselves, guilt free, and then hopefully it turns into a habit.
Within this first week of lent, I have already felt internally blessed.  I know that acting in obedience, whether it's difficult or not, is still obedience. 

For week one I had two separate "revelations" (if I may).
I wrote out a list in my journal on 3-3-2012

Am I angry because:
-I feel like I have never reached my full potential.
-Sometimes I don't know who I am.
-Sin patterns of feeling greedy, jealous, unhappy even when I have been shown nothing but grace, and doubt.
-Lies, either in my heart or out of my mouth.
-Unsatisfactory.
-Anxiety
-Control
-Worry
-I attempt to control things that are either out of my control or I am not responsible to control.  I do not allow others to do what they can or even meant to do because I want to control.  I want results now, not just any results, my results and in my timing.
When that doesn't happen, I worry and my worry then turns to anxiety.
Anxiety builds to anger.
The anger is either unidentified and/or not dealt with and becomes rooted and harder to pull up.
The anger turns to the foothold for satan to grab a hold onto and then the lies stream in.
"you are not good enough".
"you are not loved."
"they are better and more equipped"
"what is all of this for?"
..............................................................................................................and so forth.
I begin to resent people.  I resent family and friends.  I feel betrayed easily.  Heart broken more often.  Saddened by selfishness.  Unaware and not thankful even for my blessings.

Today, the Lord decided to intervene in his own timing and way. 
He said "Why are you so scared of me?  Why do you look at me as a judgemental God?  The payment as been made.  I love you.  I am proud of you.  I love you.  I love you.  I love you."

Peace.

I felt the worry begin to drip from my heart.
  Goodbye.
The anxiety slithered back into the ground.   
 Goodbye.
The anger prowled back into the fields.
 Goodbye.

Will this be the last time that I fight these off?  Unfortunately not, but they can be defeated, actually they were defeated years and years ago and I am a fighter with the greatest army by my side.
When people say that they are fighting their demons, I believe that.  When you lay dormant for so long, what is there to fight against? 
But when you awake from your sleep and decide to follow harder, stronger and with more intent, be aware....do not be frightened, but be aware.
The enemy is waiting...waiting for what?  To kill and destroy. 

Let peace be your covering tonight.  May the God that created the universe, that created us to create other human beings,  that created companionship, created talent and ability and created love to cover all. 

Love is not absent.  It is waiting for you.  You are not exempt.
He is not judging you.

Get over yourself.
Accept the love.