issUes

Hey you!
Yes, you.  You in the shirt.  If not shirt, than pants.  And if neither, please go get some clothes on...this is making me uncomfortable.

 You have some serious issues, huh?
 Is it draining masking them?
Would you like to take a deep breath without worrying about all everything collapsing around you?
How exhausting that the human race insists on having it all together.

Annoying. 

Is this why people take their own lives?
Because the problem seems bigger than life itself. 
Maybe if we were truly more transparent in our inner circles, maybe if we had other people to rely on because we knew that grace and wisdom would flow instead of judgement, life would be easier?
If we talked about more than our family.
If we dealt with past issues through scripture and prayer with community.
If we came out of the darkness.
If we let the junk flow.
If we let the people who knew us best, actually let them know us.

If you are in this boat, don't worry, I have been floating, bouncing from wave to wave feeling sea sick for some time.
Personally, my fear with opening up is the fact that I typically feel good when I get things off my chest but about an hour or two later I start regretting what I said.  I worry that they will forever think that I don't have it together.  Sometimes it's much easier being the person with no problems than the person with a ton of problems.  And then, I usually find myself making sure that the person I told knows in a few weeks that I was able to put everything back together and I was "fine" now.

Wow, self-indulgent?  Yes.  Arrogant?  Yes. 

Someone has to start the movement, right?

Last summer I had a traumatizing experience that led to anxiety medication for sleep so that I was able to fall asleep and then once I was asleep to hopefully not have nightmares.  I was also prescribed an anti-depressant and I knew my next step needed to be seeing a counselor.  The thought of paying someone money to listen to me, kind of hurt my feelings. 
(Let me clarify, I think counseling is necessary this is just my personal account from a single experience).
See my parenthesis above?  I am already feeling the need to explain my motives instead of saying what happened.  Geesh.

I felt like she was looking right through me.  I couldn't hold eye contact as long as she did, I am quite certain she only blinked two times for the entire hour.  I was so overwhelmed with information that I wanted to tell someone but I didn't know where to start.  I needed her to be my toilet so I could just vomit all my information.
While she was talking, I began to think of other things going on.  All I could hear is "wah, wah" like Charlie Brown's mother's voice.

 Snap out of if Janna!!!  I will widen my eyes so I appear more alert.  Now I look like a bug.  Add some squint.
 Listen!!  Oh my gosh, my ears aren't working!!  Literally cannot hear a word!  I can't focus! 
Can she tell??
 Nod your head Janna.  Nod your head.  Don't look down and to the left because I heard that's what people do when they lie.  Focus. 

Time's up.

I left and sat in my car staring forward.  Justin called and asked what she said, "I don't know babe."  He then said, "what do you mean?". 

"I wasn't listening."

Sometimes it feels like I am drowning in my own problems.
Sometimes I wish I would take those wonderful people that I have been blessed to have in my life and be transparent with them.  Let them know when I am hurting, scared, anxious, angry, having a hard time being respectful to my husband and why.  Also to feel comfortable to tell them the amazing things God has done in my life and the prayers he has answered.
The Lord created community for this very reason.  Why do you think he says "when two or more are gathered, I am there."  He didn't just pick a random number, it's community.

I wish I would have been more open with that counselor and listened to her because she has the knowledge and insight that I'm sure would have been very helpful.

Life is exhausting. 
Feeling weary?

Community.... now community is refreshing.