Birthing Beauty

My nephew was born today on my husband's 25th birthday.  When we went to visit, the smell of the hospital brought back some wonderful memories of life changing moments.

I have almost been married for 5 years.  My husband was only 20 when we married..yes 20.
9  months after being married we found that we were pregnant.  A fun and scary surprise as we were living in a one bedroom apartment in Kokomo, Indiana, away from family and friends.
I remember telling people and tears welling up as I told them.
 I don't know if they were tears of being frightened or because of the unknown.
At 16 weeks, I had some heavy bleeding which led us back to the hospital, where the doctor told us that the baby was going through placental abruption.   I remember crying and crying as she tried to explain over my loud moans.  I wasn't interested in her fancy medical terms.
I wanted this baby.
We wanted this baby.
 I had loved this baby for 16 weeks.  Protected him.  Nourished him.  Sang to him.  Rocked him.  Pictured him.
Loved him.
The doctor sent us to a specialist to do a more invasive ultrasound.
I remember that walk.
The hallway seemed so long and narrow.
We sat in the waiting room in silence.  I was praying that the baby was healthy.  Praying for it's life.
I remember saying that this baby was not going to be taken from me.  He is healthy, in the name of Jesus.
Dr. Abernathy (i remember) called our name and said "how are you guys doing today" and I lost it, balling I said "not good, I'm not good".
 She then performed the ultra sound and looked everywhere for the placental abruption.
She couldn't find it.
Healing?
Miraculous?
Life saving?

My pregnancy went on and Bram came out a healthy baby boy on October 20, 2008.  Justin was smitten.

Bram has always been a boy with some spunk.  He is tall like his daddy and has my blue eyes.  His personality is bigger than life and I physically ache when I am not around him.

In 2010, we decided to try for baby number 2.  I was reading a book called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility".  I literally became obsessed with this book.  It began with me reading only a few pages but it didn't take me long to have the entire thing memorized (not kidding).  I really desired to have a daughter. 

 I felt incompetent to raise a daughter since I didn't have life figured out.  I wanted her to feel confident, beautiful, strong, independent, yet compassionate and kind.  I didn't know how to teach those qualities if I didn't have them. 

 We didn't get pregnant right away.  It became a process. 

I started stressing about my fertility, Justin's fertility..

Was my past affecting my future?

Was this a punishment?

I read back in my journal during this time and there is a definite theme of discouragement but beyond that was a theme of praise.    

September 3, 2010

"I believe in the favor of God.  

Grace + Favor= Charis

I am nervous of this pregnancy thing.  Am I?  Am I not?  I immediately turn to the web and take the "are you pregnant quiz?" or open my book.  Why don't I just turn to God?  I am wasting all this time, consuming my mind with this junk.  It's 100% out of sheer excitement but it's quickly turning to doubt and worry.  

I need to ask for the favor of God and have faith.

  Thank you in advance Jesus.

  Ezekiel 1 & 2

-  Acting in direct obedience and hearing God's voice.

-Being intune with what He is speaking about...choosing to be still...."

I ended up walking that book to the dumpster and I made a conscience decision to stop checking the internet.

We found out we were pregnant on October 7, 2010.

Favor of God?  I know so.

Lucy came into this world on June 7, 2011.  8.2 lbs of pure chubby cuteness.  I was so blessed because I had my sister Rebecca and sister-in-law (sister), Lori in the delivery room along with Justin of course.

Instant Love. 

 She has set a balance to our home.  Two boys and two girls.  I just need one more girl to tilt the scales in my direction!  

I believe in praying with specificity.  The more I read, the more I realize that God delights in blessing his children.  

I believe that our words hold weight.

I believe that there is power in the name of Jesus.

I believe that I might look like a crazy woman in my living room on any given morning worshiping Him but I'm okay with that.

My friend from work, Tiffany, is a super prayer warrior.  She has become a great friend of mine and on a personal/spiritual level, I feel like we make a great team together.

  I told her that I desired a girl and she asked what else?  I said, "I want her to have hair!"

Tiffany prayed for that over my baby. 

Why not?

Why do we put God in a box?  Why do we think we get one prayer request a day/week/month?

It's not like that...it's about faith.

Have faith my friends.  Remember, God delights in blessing his children.

Psalm 85: 10-13 

"Love and faithfulness meet together;

righteousness and peace kiss each other.

Faithfulness springs forth from the earth,

and righteousness looks down from heaven.

The Lord indeed will give what is good,

and our land will yield it's harvest.

Righteousness goes before him

and prepares the way for his steps."

Amazing to know that He is going before us.  Making sure the way is safe and protected.

Can you feel that Psalm filling your heart?  

After reading this verse, I have to take a deep breath.

In this world, we will never know the depths of His love.