Personally, I think the most embarrassing thing to discuss, bring up, or even manage in a public even private setting are finances.
We chose to live in Zionsville because it's close to family, work, church, and we feel like it's safe. We pay too much for a townhome that we will never own. We both drive cars that are less than impressive. We haven't taken a vacation since we have been married.
Justin works so hard, working full time, full time student, band life, and church responsibilities. I do not resent him one bit because he is the hardest working man I know, but I do know the truth about our finances.
I know that some months are harder than others.
I know I like to make it look like that the stress doesn't weigh on me.
I know it's not forever.
I know I'm not alone.
Rent keeps rising, gas keeps rising, cost of food keeps rising.
The month of September 2011 was one of those months. It was a month when we had to decide whether or not we were going to pay a $50/month rent increase. I remember praying for a door to open for a better opportunity if that is what we needed to do. At this point I had just had Lucy 4 months prior and the thought of packing up and moving was exhausting. Physically and emotionally I didn't know if I could handle the stress unless it was to a permanent home.
Justin and I both realize that our home in Indiana may not be forever, we are both willing to uproot and move if we feel called to. We knew that the time for permanent housing was not now.
Praying.
No answer.
Open Doors.
None.
Praying.
Silence.
It's the day we have to either resign the lease or give our notice of termination.
Really? Nothing? Silence? Don't you understand that this a big deal?
Where are you?
We decided to resign the lease because we thought it was the right thing for now.
However, we weren't given a plan on how this was going to pan out.
We hear messages about God's timing quiet a bit, but have you ever thought of past experiences and marveled at the timing and how your timing/my timing would have completely screwed things up?
Easy to see after the bigger picture has set in, huh? Trust me, our bigger picture has not been seen fully, we get glimpses of it, maybe a corner here or there...but never the complete picture.
The day after we resigned the lease will be a day that I hopefully will remember forever.
It was a hard few weeks financially which then turned into emotional stress...and that quickly can spiral out of control.
I remember looking in the fridge thinking, okay how can I make this stretch? There was a very signifigant moment that I remember..... I remember ripping the last square of paper towel off.
The significance to me and why it held so much weight, in my heart, I was ripping away a piece of the control.
Yes, paper towel did all that for me.
This is harder to write than I thought it would be. I keep finding myself get teary-eyed. I think the pain of knowing how hard it can be, how hard it can get...I understand. Slightly embarrassed because I "feel" like it should never be this way.
Tough tough month.
He was silent for me. He seemed unphased and unaware.
But He was vocalizing his love for my family to someone else.
Instead of making everything fall into place in it's perfect way, we had to wait.
Wait and pray.
Struggling through the silence.
Close to sleepless nights.
Justin came home that evening, the evening of the paper towel revelation and handed me an envelope.
Inside, a check with a letter. It was the most beautiful thing.
Justin and I both cried and held each other.
Beautiful. How does the creator of the universe give us gifts? I picture him looking at that moment proudly shaking his head; I had you, it just wasn't your timing.
Isn't that just like God? To wait until the lease is resigned, the unknown is lingering, the food is dwindling....the last piece of paper towel has been ripped away.
Thank you for those who follow in obedience when you hear his calling. When you hear Him calling you to reach out, to use your resources, even when you question it.
We may never know this family/person but it changed everything for that year. Everything.
Wow, that I have a God that is relevant to my specific circumstances and lays his mighty hand over us and proclaims they are mine, they are my children.
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