Children See, Children Do-Blue Eyes

This past weekend was hectic and busy.  J was out of town and all I could do was wake up and think about how many hours it would be until the kids went to bed.
I craved adult conversations, any help, visits, planned activities, and by Sunday I realized I had just wished my entire weekend away.
My laziness and loneliness for that weekend led me to being inconsistent with Bram, a little resentful, unjoyful, etc.....

For myself, these are typically the times when the Lord intervenes and opens my eyes to things bigger than myself and shows me what breaks His heart.
"Quit being so selfish, Janna."
"Do not wish away any day because they go by fast enough."
"Daughter, are you even concerned about what I am concerned about?"

Sunday afternoon I took the kids to the park.  The swing that Bram loves was available which made me excited for him.   I kept saying, "Run Bram!  Hurry!  Get your swing!"

Then the little girl in the red sweater caught my eye, she had the prettiest blue eyes
She was probably 6 or 7 and had down syndrome.  She started swing hopping to get closer to Lucy.  Lucy continued her eye contact and blue eyes sat there with only the wind blowing her enough to move her swing a bit.
Every part of me wanted to swing her, but fearful of Dateline popping out from behind the trees and Chris Hanson questioning why I was swinging a little girl that I didn't know.  My fear held me back from being His hands.
Sad.

A group of girls came up to blue eyes and started bossing her around, telling her she needed to get out of the swing, at one point physically pushing her.  The Justice Janna in me was rising to the surface in probably an unhealthy manner.  It only took one "hey!" for them to scatter.

Then Reese came along.  She offered to push blue eyes and kept checking on her, asking if she was pushing too high, or she would like her to stop.
It was beautiful.
It was kindness to a stranger.
It was the Lord moving in children.
I know it is how He desired His people to treat one another.
Reese's dad called for her, that's the only way I even know her name. (yes, kind of creepy)

Blue eyes from there on tried to mingle with the other groups of children.
Finally she found a toddler that seemed interested in her.  Blue eyes sat on the balance beam while her and her new friend were having a conversation and before you know it, the mom came and snatched up her daughter.

Something rose up in me in that moment, instantly from my feet it rushed up to my heart.
  Pain.
  Anger.
  Disappointment.
The moment the mom walked away was one that felt like it was in slow motion.  She didn't acknowledge blue eyes, she didn't allow her child to say good-bye.  I found myself glaring at her as time just froze, my heart breaking for blue eyes, a child of Christ, my new friend.

Are we really raising these children to not look into the heart?  Even as role models, mentors... ..children are watching.  I wondered if Reese experienced her parents showing kindness on a regular basis to others, no matter their  circumstances.
How I am teaching the girls I am with at work, my junior high small group girls, friends, my own children, how I am showing love?  Not just love, but compassion.  Love is the feeling but compassion is the drive.

Children See Children Do.

I continued to watch blue eyes has she walked away with a rush of wind blowing her brown hair.  She had her arms stretched out wide.

"Lord, be her protector and defender.  Thank you for taking a rough weekend and giving me insight on what  is breaking your heart."


Below is a link to a short video that may seem disturbing, but I saw it years ago and it has just stuck and it still makes me cry.  It seems appropriate and worth the watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m25VjD0Uz9c

Thank you Reese.

Whohabook

I waiver back and forth when it comes to what's appropriate concerning clothing.
Personally, I think there is much to say about someone's individual style.

I respect those who display their beauty through their clothing.
I love seeing the confidence in the apparel that isn't the norm.
I love love love fashion trends...I think they can be so much fun.

One thing that has not changed for me for years now is dressing with integrity (i'm not a huge fan of the word modesty).
I am not a turtle neck and sweat pants kind of girl.
I enjoy dressing trendy, fun, slimming, and dare I say sexy.
But I do think that the line that was drawn in the sand as been washed away by the tides of
"sexy is cleavage"
"sexy is midriff"
"sexy is tiny bathing suits"

Lies.
Lies.
Lies.

My facebook has been flooded by bathing suit pictures from spring breakers which doesn't bother me, but I realize that those same facebook pictures have been flooding my husbands facebook newsfeed.  He can't control what pops up.  My precious husband who has dedicated his life to me.

Personally, I don't think it's fair.

Let's be honest, the boobs and the whohas are covered...that's it.
So these past few weeks, my facebook has been personally renamed to "Whohabook".

If you are taking personal offense, I just would like to say this does not come from any kind of jealousy or misunderstanding of what's in style on my behalf.
I get it.
I understand that it's hard to find a cute suit that's a one piece but do you see what's happening??  Society is manipulating us into a one style culture.

 It's personally an ongoing battle for what we will do with Lucy, and she's only 9 months old.  Justin asked me if I would let L wear a 2 piece, which I was super wish washy about  and told him that I might, but I wouldn't let those pictures be on the web for everyone to stare out.  You NEVER know what creeper is looking at those.....staring.....day dreaming......get the gist, here?

Justin then asked if I was okay with the beach goers staring at Lucy the same way.  I don't know why I felt like there was a difference, but I did.
Two summers ago I was wearing a 2 piece and thought nothing of it.
Was that fair to the men going to the pool for an afternoon swim?  (I'm not saying my bod is something amazing but most men aren't that picky).


My awesome, beautiful friend said, "poor guys, they only have red blood."
That shook my soul a bit.

Red blood.

Why do so many men  struggle with pornography?
Red blood syndrome?

Victoria Secret Fashion Show with get this, 10.3 MILLION viewers.
Red Blood Syndrome?

Pastors, congressman, presidents, entertainers, everyday men having affairs.
Red Blood Syndrome?

Shorts are shorter, dresses are tighter, shirts are more low-cut.
Red Blood Syndrome?

I just want to put this out there, whether you agree or not.
Men are visual creatures.
The stare due to less clothing is because of sex, not because they think you are intelligent, funny, witty, or caring.

The Lord has more than likely blessed some of you with external beauty which you should embrace and take care of AND more importantly protect.

Justin bounces his eyes off the television anytime a sexual commercial or show comes on.
Why?
Because he knows he is a visual creature.  It has nothing to do with his love towards me or him not thinking I am beautiful, he is protecting our marriage.
He is protecting his bride.
He is protecting his children.

I know this may cause a stir...I am prepared.  I just know what is heavy on my heart.  If you are personally offended, I am okay with that.  I will remain to be non-judgmental but not afraid to be blunt and if you know anything about me, you know that is true.
Ultimately, this does not boil down to a one piece vs. a two piece, it's about personally choosing to protect the men around you that you may not even know.  Whatever that means to you.

As women, let's reclaim to being desired because of our personalities, dreams, what breaks our hearts and let our sexual beauty be the joy of marriage.

Mirror Mirror-The Frightening Perspective of A Pre-Teen

I prayed for a daughter.

I had a fear that I wasn't equipped to handle a daughter because of the issues that I had and still have.  I feared that I would pass down my mistakes.  I feared that I wouldn't be able to fix myself before she was born.  I wondered with all my insecurities, was it possible to raise a woman that loved herself...even if I didn't love myself.
The day, the hour, the minute...that very moment when we found out we were having a girl was the moment that I felt like I was capable.  And for the moments that I will not be, He will.
I'm sure if you ask Justin the only annoying thing about me :) is how much I complain about myself.  I pick and pick and pick.  Never satisfied with the reflection.  The mirror almost becomes a daunting visual of something that I have never admired.

This is nothing new.  It stems from something deeper.

Diary Inserts:
September 29, 1993
I just wish I was pretty. I'm just not good for the cute boys.  
Sept 28. 1994
I love ____ but he thinks I am a dog.  All cute boys think I am a dog.  I am not very pretty.  But I have to live with myself.
October 15, 1994
I might be ugly but I have feelings too.
These are 3 diary inserts when I was only 11 or 12.  It broke my heart to read them.  Did I have even an ounce of self-esteem?  Was anyone telling me that I was beautiful, worthy, lovely?
That is a heart of this 11 year old.
Not carefree like you would imagine.  I seemed stressed, unhappy, lonely, and unsatisfied.
11.
Only being influenced by friends and immature 11 year old boys.
11.
Wanting an adult to take me under their wing.  An adult that I looked up to and could confide in so that these entries would not be made in a diary, but a woman that could tell me the truth.
11.
That 11 year old still shows up in the mirror.
11.
That 11 year old heart still beats in my chest...yes it's older, but there.



April 9, 2012
Sweet Lucy.  I will tell you everyday that you are intelligent and wonderful.  I will remind you that you are beautiful on the outside and how the beauty you display on the inside is much more significant.  I will embrace your creativity.  I will discipline when needed because I love you.  I will teach you the value of people's souls and hearts.  I will tell you about a God that is much bigger and powerful that a lot of Christians even believe.  Your father will not just be the bread winner but an active participant in your life.  He will tell you your value on a daily basis and display how a man should treat his bride by how he treats me.  He will make every other man seem less than impressive.  He will try and talk to you about the awkward stuff and while you roll your eyes he will press through because you are worth the eye rolls.  He will hug you and say "I love you".  Together we will provide a united front.  We will pray as a family, talk about life, and grow together.  And the day when your father has to give you away to that man that loves the Lord more than you, our tears will only be those of joy.
Lucy, maintain your dignity, purity, kindness, joy, and self-worth.
For now, we will continue to pray over your round bald head while you sleep in your crib and watch those chubby thighs crawl and your gummy smile lighten up our day.  
We are so thankful for you sweet sweet Lulu.  Sleep tight darling.
-Mommy


June 27, 1994
I follow the Lord and will do anything for my kids to too.
That 11 year old heart still beats in my chest as well.

So many butts: Ashtray Apologies

It started by smoking my friend's dad's cigarette butts.

A few years later, it transpired to social smoking at parties in high school.  I didn't feel like it had control over me.  

Somehow that social smoking became a stress reliever.

Eventually, I didn't need to be social to smoke.  

I was perfectly content doing it alone.  

Sure, the nicotine was addicting but it was the comfort in the fall back of smoking that had it's draw. 

When I think of addiction, I don't immediately think physical, I think mental.

An action that I was using to cover an emotion.  

Physically the urge was there but the mental outweighed the physical attachment.  

It was the routine.

It was the 10 minute break I would take from normal life.

It was ironically the time when I felt like I could take a deep breath.

I quit cold turkey 8 years ago.  No patch or gum or electrical cigarette.  

Just quit.  There were people in my life that I didn't want to disappoint and I knew that this would hurt them.  So, I took their emotions into consideration and quit.  

I didn't do it for my health or finances.  

It became a choice over an addiction.    

And now, 8 years later, it is still a daily choice.  The desire has never left but my knowledge has increased.  More than a cigarette, I desire health for myself and my husband.  I desire to carry children who are not exposed to smoke in the womb helplessly.  I desire to maintain a household that is not filled with full ashtrays, smelly clothes and eye burning smoke.  I desire to steward our finances more efficiently.  I desire life for myself and if not myself, to give them to someone who can use them...healthy lungs.  

Now, the difficult part is not being judgmental when I see other people smoking.

Then I realize that maybe that person was never told how important they were.  How valuable their life was.   A support system that stood by them, not condescendingly but lovingly.  Possibly they saw their parents smoking all their life.  Maybe it's their only escape from life.     

I apologize smokers. 

I know it's hard.  

I'm sorry for dirty looks.  I'm sorry for my sarcastic cough.  I'm sorry for wondering if you can afford those.  I'm sorry for my insecurities because when I see you, I see myself years ago and I was ashamed of myself.  

It's not you, it's me...but I'm sorry.

Quitting did demonstrate to myself how strong I was and am.  

Quitting gave me a ministry opportunity.

Quitting gave me the knowledge to pass down to my children first hand.

Quitting gave my body another chance.

No human being is going to fight for your life harder than you will.  I know within myself that I don't have the power, strength, ability, or wisdom but I have to give it the best chance possible.

Like I have said before, there is power in bringing things to light.  Where there is light, the darkness cannot remain.  It's time to deflate the enemy.  He is on the move.

“Aslan is on the move. The Witch's magic is weakening.” -Father Christmas