I prayed for a daughter.
I had a fear that I wasn't equipped to handle a daughter because of the issues that I had and still have. I feared that I would pass down my mistakes. I feared that I wouldn't be able to fix myself before she was born. I wondered with all my insecurities, was it possible to raise a woman that loved herself...even if I didn't love myself.
The day, the hour, the minute...that very moment when we found out we were having a girl was the moment that I felt like I was capable. And for the moments that I will not be, He will.
I'm sure if you ask Justin the only annoying thing about me :) is how much I complain about myself. I pick and pick and pick. Never satisfied with the reflection. The mirror almost becomes a daunting visual of something that I have never admired.
This is nothing new. It stems from something deeper.
Diary Inserts:
September 29, 1993
I just wish I was pretty. I'm just not good for the cute boys.
Sept 28. 1994
I love ____ but he thinks I am a dog. All cute boys think I am a dog. I am not very pretty. But I have to live with myself.
October 15, 1994
I might be ugly but I have feelings too.
These are 3 diary inserts when I was only 11 or 12. It broke my heart to read them. Did I have even an ounce of self-esteem? Was anyone telling me that I was beautiful, worthy, lovely?
That is a heart of this 11 year old.
Not carefree like you would imagine. I seemed stressed, unhappy, lonely, and unsatisfied.
11.
Only being influenced by friends and immature 11 year old boys.
11.
Wanting an adult to take me under their wing. An adult that I looked up to and could confide in so that these entries would not be made in a diary, but a woman that could tell me the truth.
11.
That 11 year old still shows up in the mirror.
11.
That 11 year old heart still beats in my chest...yes it's older, but there.
April 9, 2012
Sweet Lucy. I will tell you everyday that you are intelligent and wonderful. I will remind you that you are beautiful on the outside and how the beauty you display on the inside is much more significant. I will embrace your creativity. I will discipline when needed because I love you. I will teach you the value of people's souls and hearts. I will tell you about a God that is much bigger and powerful that a lot of Christians even believe. Your father will not just be the bread winner but an active participant in your life. He will tell you your value on a daily basis and display how a man should treat his bride by how he treats me. He will make every other man seem less than impressive. He will try and talk to you about the awkward stuff and while you roll your eyes he will press through because you are worth the eye rolls. He will hug you and say "I love you". Together we will provide a united front. We will pray as a family, talk about life, and grow together. And the day when your father has to give you away to that man that loves the Lord more than you, our tears will only be those of joy.
Lucy, maintain your dignity, purity, kindness, joy, and self-worth.
For now, we will continue to pray over your round bald head while you sleep in your crib and watch those chubby thighs crawl and your gummy smile lighten up our day.
We are so thankful for you sweet sweet Lulu. Sleep tight darling.
-Mommy
June 27, 1994
I follow the Lord and will do anything for my kids to too.
That 11 year old heart still beats in my chest as well.
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