Proverbs 15:4
-The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life.
This verse has revisited my mind within the past few months several times.
It's something I truly desire. A voice that proclaims encouragement, laughter, kindness, joy, wisdom, sympathy and love. Obviously, it is not something I have mastered and the chances of having a spotless tongue within this lifetime are slim.
We are relational people with different personalities, fears and opinions. It is evident that people are naturally going to be irritable and the thoughts that bounce from one brain cell to the next eventually just roll off our tongue.
It's a difficult balance. Do I hold all my thoughts in? Is it necessary to always sound my opinion? Can I just let the other person be right?
Some days, I literally feel like I am drowning in my thoughts. I have a few great people that I have surrounded myself with that I immediately turn to when I need a sounding board.
Sometimes my words are hurtful and ugly.
They listen.
Sometimes they are tearful and lonely.
They cry with me.
Sometimes they are joyful and full of laughter.
They laugh with me until we cry.
Because of my past and situations I have been in that were less than lovely, I have heard some ugly words come from people within the church. Years of hurt built up because of ignorance and tongues that did not follow the Proverbs. I still can remember hurtful words unfortunately that either I heard myself or heard from someone else. This does not mean that the words they said were even untrue, just insensitive to moments where a young woman had more junk than she could carry. I would never say that I would go back and do it the same, because with the mindset I have now, I couldn't live a life of outright sin. Even within the midst of heavy sin and a stronghold that clung tight, the Lord was working on me. He sent his angels from the heavenly throne to release me, I believe that.
Those moments did mold me into a woman that knows herself.
I know myself without Justin.
I am working on knowing myself without children.
Justin was able to marry a woman that was already perfectly put together...totally kidding here, lighten up.
One of the reasons that I fell in love with Justin was because he was so non-judgmental. I understand I am kind of an acquired taste but he has always looked at my fallings as ministry opportunities and a better understanding of those hurting.
Just as I remember the hurtful words, I choose to cling to the encouraging words and people who were and have been loving and words that "brought healing." Amen!
We have a small plant that I forget to water and with the heat it is quickly withering and the flowers have stopped blooming. I picture that as the tongue (my tongue) that at times brings criticism and gossip. There is also a lush tree that covers our patio. This bad boy is huge with healthy leaves that sound like the ocean when a rush of wind catches them. This tree has been given what is needed to flourish and survive. That is a Proverbs 15:4 tongue.
I have to surround myself with tongues that bring life.
Don't let ignorant words shape the direction of your life.
"My strengthen in life is I am Yours."
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I am More.
We celebrated another Mother's Day, thankful for children and healthy children at that.
For several months now, I have been struggling finding myself outside the title of mother. A wonderful title it is but I never want it to become my identity.
There was a celebrity on television discussing the birth of her new child and she said "now I understand my purpose."
My children are not my purpose.
My husband is not my purpose.
My family is not my purpose.
I was created an individual with gifts and talents that were God breathed into me before I was even born. My beautiful babies are a blessing to a life that had purpose before them.
On really hard days, when the routine is too routine and the mess is the same mess I cleaned up yesterday, I have to remind myself that.
I am more.
I remind myself that truly knowing who I am will benefit everyone around me.
I am more.
I am not going to wait until they are out of the house to develop my character.
I am more.
I have my own dreams and desires that I should pursue.
I. Am. More.
I love my children. I ache when I am away from them, but I am more than mom. When I have conversations with people I care about, I want those to be more about who I am becoming and where my heart is and to listen and care about their situations, trials, joys, and their life.
So easy to get sucked into allowing our children to become our world and everything and everyone circling around that too.
When we became pregnant, we chose to sacrifice at that moment many things, but I will never give up on my spiritual growth, my marriage....myself.
I picture our status' following overhead, our own labeled titles that we give ourselves. Today, I am jumping high and wiping that clean. Bursting the cloud that describes me based on my current status.
I am identified by many components.
I am sensitive to others, I enjoy laughing, alone time, learning, breathing in fresh air, I am fighter for justice, and I love to love.
I am also angry of past situations, anxious, fearful of circumstances I cannot control, confused about my direction in life, and hurt by people's unintentional actions or words.
I've got some work to do.
I started a study with a friend of mine and we are only on day two, but I am already soaking in the information and just grateful that I can spend time with another woman on a weekly basis discussing, well, us.
I will leave you with an insert from this study. He is preparing me for eternity so waiting until my kids are off to college or married isn't an option, the work and the shifting needs to be happening now.
"Part of being in the family means God is now working on you. One reason we have difficulty accepting His work in our lives is that our view of Him is so limited. God is much greater than we give Him credit for. He really knows what He's doing. When you're in the mist of trials, you can rejoice to know that God loves you and that He will work in your circumstances according to His larger purpose for your life. He is molding you into what He wants you to be for eternity. So determine now to get the full benefit of your trials. Life is short, and eternity is very, very long."
I would be a little more panicked about our current situations if I thought that this life was it.
It's not.
For several months now, I have been struggling finding myself outside the title of mother. A wonderful title it is but I never want it to become my identity.
There was a celebrity on television discussing the birth of her new child and she said "now I understand my purpose."
My children are not my purpose.
My husband is not my purpose.
My family is not my purpose.
I was created an individual with gifts and talents that were God breathed into me before I was even born. My beautiful babies are a blessing to a life that had purpose before them.
On really hard days, when the routine is too routine and the mess is the same mess I cleaned up yesterday, I have to remind myself that.
I am more.
I remind myself that truly knowing who I am will benefit everyone around me.
I am more.
I am not going to wait until they are out of the house to develop my character.
I am more.
I have my own dreams and desires that I should pursue.
I. Am. More.
I love my children. I ache when I am away from them, but I am more than mom. When I have conversations with people I care about, I want those to be more about who I am becoming and where my heart is and to listen and care about their situations, trials, joys, and their life.
So easy to get sucked into allowing our children to become our world and everything and everyone circling around that too.
When we became pregnant, we chose to sacrifice at that moment many things, but I will never give up on my spiritual growth, my marriage....myself.
I picture our status' following overhead, our own labeled titles that we give ourselves. Today, I am jumping high and wiping that clean. Bursting the cloud that describes me based on my current status.
I am identified by many components.
I am sensitive to others, I enjoy laughing, alone time, learning, breathing in fresh air, I am fighter for justice, and I love to love.
I am also angry of past situations, anxious, fearful of circumstances I cannot control, confused about my direction in life, and hurt by people's unintentional actions or words.
I've got some work to do.
I started a study with a friend of mine and we are only on day two, but I am already soaking in the information and just grateful that I can spend time with another woman on a weekly basis discussing, well, us.
I will leave you with an insert from this study. He is preparing me for eternity so waiting until my kids are off to college or married isn't an option, the work and the shifting needs to be happening now.
"Part of being in the family means God is now working on you. One reason we have difficulty accepting His work in our lives is that our view of Him is so limited. God is much greater than we give Him credit for. He really knows what He's doing. When you're in the mist of trials, you can rejoice to know that God loves you and that He will work in your circumstances according to His larger purpose for your life. He is molding you into what He wants you to be for eternity. So determine now to get the full benefit of your trials. Life is short, and eternity is very, very long."
I would be a little more panicked about our current situations if I thought that this life was it.
It's not.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Future Focused
Today I have been thinking about a Mother's Day gifts for my own mother and mother-in-law. I love and respect both of them and I know that they do a tremendous amount for our family. They both dedicate a day to watching our children...for free.
I started thinking about what kind of people my children would end up with. Justin and I have discussed how many children we would like to have (Lord willing), and of course we both would have many, many children because they are amazing and bring so much joy and fire to our life.
I told Justin that 3 would be my top number only because I realize that one day, they will find a girlfriend/boyfriend and spouse and I desperately desire to count them as my own children.
I want to love them like my own, spoil them like my own, hug them like my own, and have a sincere and genuine relationship with them.
My hopes are pushing it....I know but deep deep down my desire would be for them to
call me,
come to me,
cry to me,
listen to me,
and personally that I would have the time to know them.
Sure for the first 18-30(ish) years my children will be my only, but once they date and marry, that number will quickly double. I hope that what I do for them does not come off as annoying or intrusive but as loving.
To Bram's future wife:
Bram is our baby, first born, intelligent and right now a bit spoiled (we are working on it). If his personality remains the same, you will hopefully show him how to loosen up and enjoy life, enjoy nature, to take a deep breathe. He has a sensitive spirit and I believe that he is compassionate and hurts when other's hurt. He is sweet and every day he touches my face and tells me how pretty I am.
I imagine you bringing a bit of uncertain spunk and spontaneity to his life.
To Lucy's future husband:
Lucy is still young but she is such a happy girl. Her personality is starting to truly come through and she is a spit fire. She can hold her own with Bram and knows what she wants. I imagine her being dedicated, determined and also lively and fun. I think she will need a man that can guide her and bring her back down to earth now and again.
What a beauty she is, just breath-taking.
To our future children:
First and foremost for we pray you will seek out Godly women/men.
Obviously you will be wonderful inside and out...guaranteed you will have your daddy wrapped around your finger within your first minute of birth...seems to be the trend.
Do you think I am being a little too future-focused? That my children are still too young?
Ask my mom who still remembers my brothers telling me that I had the "gift of blab" and standing on top of the furniture around 4 or 5 bossing everyone around (they obeyed).
Or ask my mother-in-law whom I'm sure has many wonderful memories of little Justin, but especially his head full of dark curls.
I think as my kids grow and I continue to parent, as long as I am consistent (still developing), loving, a disciplinarian, respected and respectful, understanding, available, trustworthy...what else will they portray about me to their future spouses.
I have never wanted to be a dictator over my children or push for perfection, just a good parent.
These will be the most trying, difficult, beautiful, tearful, joyful, and snuggly 18 years. Pretty sure these past 3 1/2 years of parenting have come and gone in the blink of a tired eye.
(Yes, I someday picture Bram's 6'4 body cuddled on his mamas lap)
..................just being future focused on a beautiful May evening.
I started thinking about what kind of people my children would end up with. Justin and I have discussed how many children we would like to have (Lord willing), and of course we both would have many, many children because they are amazing and bring so much joy and fire to our life.
I told Justin that 3 would be my top number only because I realize that one day, they will find a girlfriend/boyfriend and spouse and I desperately desire to count them as my own children.
I want to love them like my own, spoil them like my own, hug them like my own, and have a sincere and genuine relationship with them.
My hopes are pushing it....I know but deep deep down my desire would be for them to
call me,
come to me,
cry to me,
listen to me,
and personally that I would have the time to know them.
Sure for the first 18-30(ish) years my children will be my only, but once they date and marry, that number will quickly double. I hope that what I do for them does not come off as annoying or intrusive but as loving.
To Bram's future wife:
Bram is our baby, first born, intelligent and right now a bit spoiled (we are working on it). If his personality remains the same, you will hopefully show him how to loosen up and enjoy life, enjoy nature, to take a deep breathe. He has a sensitive spirit and I believe that he is compassionate and hurts when other's hurt. He is sweet and every day he touches my face and tells me how pretty I am.
I imagine you bringing a bit of uncertain spunk and spontaneity to his life.
To Lucy's future husband:
Lucy is still young but she is such a happy girl. Her personality is starting to truly come through and she is a spit fire. She can hold her own with Bram and knows what she wants. I imagine her being dedicated, determined and also lively and fun. I think she will need a man that can guide her and bring her back down to earth now and again.
What a beauty she is, just breath-taking.
To our future children:
First and foremost for we pray you will seek out Godly women/men.
Obviously you will be wonderful inside and out...guaranteed you will have your daddy wrapped around your finger within your first minute of birth...seems to be the trend.
Do you think I am being a little too future-focused? That my children are still too young?
Ask my mom who still remembers my brothers telling me that I had the "gift of blab" and standing on top of the furniture around 4 or 5 bossing everyone around (they obeyed).
Or ask my mother-in-law whom I'm sure has many wonderful memories of little Justin, but especially his head full of dark curls.
I think as my kids grow and I continue to parent, as long as I am consistent (still developing), loving, a disciplinarian, respected and respectful, understanding, available, trustworthy...what else will they portray about me to their future spouses.
I have never wanted to be a dictator over my children or push for perfection, just a good parent.
These will be the most trying, difficult, beautiful, tearful, joyful, and snuggly 18 years. Pretty sure these past 3 1/2 years of parenting have come and gone in the blink of a tired eye.
(Yes, I someday picture Bram's 6'4 body cuddled on his mamas lap)
..................just being future focused on a beautiful May evening.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
"Verhicle"
Sometimes writing in the midst of the unknown helps ensure clarity within myself.
So I am writing.
It's just a season, huh? Which season is that again?
Yesterday J was having car trouble. We are not strangers to car troubles.
I guess most people just take their cars in and pay for them to be fixed?
Simple.
Is that what they do?
We have never drove new or fancy cars or had the option to just take them into the mechanic when they started running poorly.
It used to bother me.
I felt like my stuff defined me.
It doesn't.
I know we are way cooler than our vehicles.
It obviously still bothers me when the vehicle refuses to run and that makes me nervous. We need the cars we have to go to work, transport our children, do what normal Americans do to get around.
Back to yesterday. When J called me sounding concerned, I felt a peace. I knew something was wrong with that 1996 Subaru Legacy (first time I have ever publicly announced that) and I could hear the worry in J's voice, but my anxiety was at rest.
I prayed. I prayed for a super natural work to be down in the old car.
J spent five hours working on that car. He had already worked a full day and it was finals week, but he took care of us.
Today the car began acting up again. Not just acting up but it threw a fit.
It was towed away off of the interstate around 7:30 pm tonight.
What does this mean for my prayers? That they aren't answered? That it wasn't a big enough deal or issue? That there are people starving and my car problem isn't on His to do list?
This is where my daily circumstances can either determine my emotions or because I have faith, my character remains strong. It remains true to who I say I am and what I believe in.
Let me be very clear, my core is quite pissed. It's easy for my mind to whirlwind into the financial things J and I have had to fight over the years and when that inner anger rushes in, it's easy to forget the blessings.
Today I called out. I called out to my God. I explained our situation, as if he wasn't aware, and at one point I was begging for a miracle.
A car miracle. If I can pull a hollywood on it, we could call it a "verhicale" or "verhicle"? No?
Fine.
The Lord has always provided for us, but that doesn't make the situations in the moment any easier but right now, the peace in my soul is there.
He is doing a work in me. To me that means that he allowed this circumstance to occur because He wanted to strengthen me, build my character, pull the tar from my heart.
That's way cooler than a verhicle (sorry) at this point. My heart is way more valuable to Him.
A few weeks ago, I was moaning about my finances and I felt Him say, "I would be more concerned about the condition of your heart than your finances."
Ouch.
I am going to go to bed with the unknown remaining to be the unknown. I don't have an answer or a funny surprise story where the car walked home.
It's at the shop and we don't have control at this point, doesn't waiver my faith.
What do we have to lose to even whisper a prayer whether out of desperation, from the depths of our souls, from heartbreak, anger, abuse, confusion........................the unknown.
Really though, can it hurt?
Jehovah Jireh-The Lord Will Provide.
So I am writing.
It's just a season, huh? Which season is that again?
Yesterday J was having car trouble. We are not strangers to car troubles.
I guess most people just take their cars in and pay for them to be fixed?
Simple.
Is that what they do?
We have never drove new or fancy cars or had the option to just take them into the mechanic when they started running poorly.
It used to bother me.
I felt like my stuff defined me.
It doesn't.
I know we are way cooler than our vehicles.
It obviously still bothers me when the vehicle refuses to run and that makes me nervous. We need the cars we have to go to work, transport our children, do what normal Americans do to get around.
Back to yesterday. When J called me sounding concerned, I felt a peace. I knew something was wrong with that 1996 Subaru Legacy (first time I have ever publicly announced that) and I could hear the worry in J's voice, but my anxiety was at rest.
I prayed. I prayed for a super natural work to be down in the old car.
J spent five hours working on that car. He had already worked a full day and it was finals week, but he took care of us.
Today the car began acting up again. Not just acting up but it threw a fit.
It was towed away off of the interstate around 7:30 pm tonight.
What does this mean for my prayers? That they aren't answered? That it wasn't a big enough deal or issue? That there are people starving and my car problem isn't on His to do list?
This is where my daily circumstances can either determine my emotions or because I have faith, my character remains strong. It remains true to who I say I am and what I believe in.
Let me be very clear, my core is quite pissed. It's easy for my mind to whirlwind into the financial things J and I have had to fight over the years and when that inner anger rushes in, it's easy to forget the blessings.
Today I called out. I called out to my God. I explained our situation, as if he wasn't aware, and at one point I was begging for a miracle.
A car miracle. If I can pull a hollywood on it, we could call it a "verhicale" or "verhicle"? No?
Fine.
The Lord has always provided for us, but that doesn't make the situations in the moment any easier but right now, the peace in my soul is there.
He is doing a work in me. To me that means that he allowed this circumstance to occur because He wanted to strengthen me, build my character, pull the tar from my heart.
That's way cooler than a verhicle (sorry) at this point. My heart is way more valuable to Him.
A few weeks ago, I was moaning about my finances and I felt Him say, "I would be more concerned about the condition of your heart than your finances."
Ouch.
I am going to go to bed with the unknown remaining to be the unknown. I don't have an answer or a funny surprise story where the car walked home.
It's at the shop and we don't have control at this point, doesn't waiver my faith.
What do we have to lose to even whisper a prayer whether out of desperation, from the depths of our souls, from heartbreak, anger, abuse, confusion........................the unknown.
Really though, can it hurt?
Jehovah Jireh-The Lord Will Provide.
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