issUes

Hey you!
Yes, you.  You in the shirt.  If not shirt, than pants.  And if neither, please go get some clothes on...this is making me uncomfortable.

 You have some serious issues, huh?
 Is it draining masking them?
Would you like to take a deep breath without worrying about all everything collapsing around you?
How exhausting that the human race insists on having it all together.

Annoying. 

Is this why people take their own lives?
Because the problem seems bigger than life itself. 
Maybe if we were truly more transparent in our inner circles, maybe if we had other people to rely on because we knew that grace and wisdom would flow instead of judgement, life would be easier?
If we talked about more than our family.
If we dealt with past issues through scripture and prayer with community.
If we came out of the darkness.
If we let the junk flow.
If we let the people who knew us best, actually let them know us.

If you are in this boat, don't worry, I have been floating, bouncing from wave to wave feeling sea sick for some time.
Personally, my fear with opening up is the fact that I typically feel good when I get things off my chest but about an hour or two later I start regretting what I said.  I worry that they will forever think that I don't have it together.  Sometimes it's much easier being the person with no problems than the person with a ton of problems.  And then, I usually find myself making sure that the person I told knows in a few weeks that I was able to put everything back together and I was "fine" now.

Wow, self-indulgent?  Yes.  Arrogant?  Yes. 

Someone has to start the movement, right?

Last summer I had a traumatizing experience that led to anxiety medication for sleep so that I was able to fall asleep and then once I was asleep to hopefully not have nightmares.  I was also prescribed an anti-depressant and I knew my next step needed to be seeing a counselor.  The thought of paying someone money to listen to me, kind of hurt my feelings. 
(Let me clarify, I think counseling is necessary this is just my personal account from a single experience).
See my parenthesis above?  I am already feeling the need to explain my motives instead of saying what happened.  Geesh.

I felt like she was looking right through me.  I couldn't hold eye contact as long as she did, I am quite certain she only blinked two times for the entire hour.  I was so overwhelmed with information that I wanted to tell someone but I didn't know where to start.  I needed her to be my toilet so I could just vomit all my information.
While she was talking, I began to think of other things going on.  All I could hear is "wah, wah" like Charlie Brown's mother's voice.

 Snap out of if Janna!!!  I will widen my eyes so I appear more alert.  Now I look like a bug.  Add some squint.
 Listen!!  Oh my gosh, my ears aren't working!!  Literally cannot hear a word!  I can't focus! 
Can she tell??
 Nod your head Janna.  Nod your head.  Don't look down and to the left because I heard that's what people do when they lie.  Focus. 

Time's up.

I left and sat in my car staring forward.  Justin called and asked what she said, "I don't know babe."  He then said, "what do you mean?". 

"I wasn't listening."

Sometimes it feels like I am drowning in my own problems.
Sometimes I wish I would take those wonderful people that I have been blessed to have in my life and be transparent with them.  Let them know when I am hurting, scared, anxious, angry, having a hard time being respectful to my husband and why.  Also to feel comfortable to tell them the amazing things God has done in my life and the prayers he has answered.
The Lord created community for this very reason.  Why do you think he says "when two or more are gathered, I am there."  He didn't just pick a random number, it's community.

I wish I would have been more open with that counselor and listened to her because she has the knowledge and insight that I'm sure would have been very helpful.

Life is exhausting. 
Feeling weary?

Community.... now community is refreshing.

Thank Goodness I Never Had To Go On The Bachelor

I have a husband that loves me....not that just tolerates me, lives with me, co-raises kids with me...he truly loves me. 
I know he has learned this love, the love that lasts a lifetime by watching the love that his parents display.  If anyone knows Wendy, they know she loves loves loves her children.  That does not seem to come into comparison to her love for her husband.
 Love that outlasts fights, hard times, financial difficulties, raising children, ugly moments.

I know Justin loves me.
  After almost five years of marriage and two kids, he still desires to spend time with me, thinks I'm beautiful, tells me I'm beautiful, finds ways to make me feel special and has never threatened or mentioned the word "divorce" even in our hardest times.

Are you thinking, they haven't been married long enough...you just wait.  Wait until year ten or until your third child. 

When I get up, I am thinking of him.
When I'm at work, I am thinking of seeing him. 
When I am coming home, I am excited to see him.

Hard times are inevitable.
Arguments are inevitable. 
Frustration is inevitable.
Disappointment is inevitable.

But I couldn't imagine spending life with any other man.

It hurts my soul to see the women on the bachelor being dismissed and crying saying "why am I not good enough"...I literally want to reach through the screen and tell them that this is not reality.
 He is not the only man on earth.  Do not sell yourself short.
 Sure when you take a helicopter ride in another country, have a picnic basket awaiting you with cheese and wine, random waterfalls in exotic places...seems like a dream come true.

 That's not reality.

But reality CAN be beautiful.  Reality can be full of love.
Do you know love?

                                                         Have you met?

Even in my most frustrated moments, I only have to think of what his intentions are and how hard he works for us, for me.  The sacrifices he has and continues to make.

If I were to wake him up at midnight and tell him that I was really wanting some chocolate, he would get up, go out and get it.  (this story is possibly true)
  Yes, he would be hesitant and ask me a few times if I was serious, but he has never not provided me with something that I have asked for.

We don't live a life full of financial security, knowing the next steps...our life is full of the unknown. 

Let me briefly explain to you what kind of person/wife he lives with:
-Every time I watch dancing with the stars, I make up a dance routine and make Justin preform it with me...learning the moves that usually ends with some sort of a lift.
-I make up random songs/raps with hand movements.
-I am a cleaning/organizing fanatic.  There is really no rest in our household.  I usually have a new tasks ready to take on the day when Justin would rather just relax. 
-I am typically awkward...I make up random sentences that don't make sense just to get a reaction for J.
-I am a loner and Justin loves to be around people.  He tends to stay home with me because he understands I need that.
-I cried once when our rug was ruined.
-I still won't purposely "pass gas" in front of him and I am pretty sure he has seen me poop at least once with the birth of our children...maybe twice.  How do you recover from that?  Gross....
-I give out loud tutorials while I clean.
-I struggle with feeling depressed and anxious.
-I am insecure.
-He gets angry with me (not at me) when I feel like I have been hurt by someone.
-I have the worst taste in television-so I have been told.
Many more things I am sure. 
I love our children so much because they remind me of him, pieces of them remind me of him.  When Bram touches my face when I am upset and he says "don't be sad mommy."  -that is a piece of Justin.
Don't settle.
He is out there.
Waiting for you, like you are waiting for him.
Yes, I believe that it would be hard for me to find someone that could put up with me like J does.


Sleep tight. 
He is anxiously awaiting for you too.

It's late and my son has come down from his bed...to snuggle with his momma and to hold my hand. 
That is his daddy in him.
Blessed. 
                                                         Tearfully blessed.

A Naked Society

Justin gets frustrated when we walk through the mall and pass the Victoria's Secret store...he quickly covers Bram's eyes and mumbles something about how it's not fair that they have those pictures so visible.  
How do I teach my 3 years, who will one day be a teenager/young man/adult, that women are not here to be a sex symbol.  How do I teach him to respectful?  To love from the inside out?  To treat her like a sister in Christ.
How do I teach my daughter that she is much more than her body?  That she can find a man that will love her for her intelligence, humor, creativity, her heart....

.............such a naked society.

Most shows I have a hard time watching because they are fueled towards sex, drinking, loveless, meaningless relationships.  That's not reality.

You know it.
 I know it.

I am certain that sex was created as an act of worship.  Powerful.  Loving.  Unbreakable.
What happens when those boundaries are compromised?  What happens when we think they are the one?  When we just love them so much?  When we give them ourselves outside the unity of marriage?

Ache.  Guilt.  Pain.

The most important thing that I will teach my children besides to love the Lord would be to hold on to their purity.  It is not a free hand out.

I'm sorry the world is teaching you that it won't scar you to have casual sex.
I'm sorry songs are telling you that the weekend is for bumping and grinding in the club (yes, I just went there).
I'm sorry that movies are telling you that one night stands lead to a beautiful ending.
I'm sorry the girls in music videos are telling you that sexy is cleavage, tight abs and image image image.

Confidence is beautiful.  Intelligence is breath taking.  Kindness is lovely.

You know what's sexy?  A great sense of humor.  Laughter.

Lucygirl, your dad is going to love you so much, so much that other guy's attention is going to seem unimpressive.  And I am going to do my best, work my hardest, to tell you everyday how beautiful you are.  How amazing you are.  You will be so secure in who you are.

Bram, you will learn how to love a woman by watching how your dad treats me.  You will learn to be respectful, caring, sensitive and have a servant heart.
I will commit to pray for you both, as babies, toddlers, teenagers and someday (gulp) adults.


Don't spend another loveless night in a bed with a stranger, lying awake, feeling sick, wondering how to escape.
Reclaim your virginity today.
 It's yours.
Don't claim it loosely.  Hold on to that sucker, white knuckled....it's yours.

Birthing Beauty

My nephew was born today on my husband's 25th birthday.  When we went to visit, the smell of the hospital brought back some wonderful memories of life changing moments.

I have almost been married for 5 years.  My husband was only 20 when we married..yes 20.
9  months after being married we found that we were pregnant.  A fun and scary surprise as we were living in a one bedroom apartment in Kokomo, Indiana, away from family and friends.
I remember telling people and tears welling up as I told them.
 I don't know if they were tears of being frightened or because of the unknown.
At 16 weeks, I had some heavy bleeding which led us back to the hospital, where the doctor told us that the baby was going through placental abruption.   I remember crying and crying as she tried to explain over my loud moans.  I wasn't interested in her fancy medical terms.
I wanted this baby.
We wanted this baby.
 I had loved this baby for 16 weeks.  Protected him.  Nourished him.  Sang to him.  Rocked him.  Pictured him.
Loved him.
The doctor sent us to a specialist to do a more invasive ultrasound.
I remember that walk.
The hallway seemed so long and narrow.
We sat in the waiting room in silence.  I was praying that the baby was healthy.  Praying for it's life.
I remember saying that this baby was not going to be taken from me.  He is healthy, in the name of Jesus.
Dr. Abernathy (i remember) called our name and said "how are you guys doing today" and I lost it, balling I said "not good, I'm not good".
 She then performed the ultra sound and looked everywhere for the placental abruption.
She couldn't find it.
Healing?
Miraculous?
Life saving?

My pregnancy went on and Bram came out a healthy baby boy on October 20, 2008.  Justin was smitten.

Bram has always been a boy with some spunk.  He is tall like his daddy and has my blue eyes.  His personality is bigger than life and I physically ache when I am not around him.

In 2010, we decided to try for baby number 2.  I was reading a book called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility".  I literally became obsessed with this book.  It began with me reading only a few pages but it didn't take me long to have the entire thing memorized (not kidding).  I really desired to have a daughter. 

 I felt incompetent to raise a daughter since I didn't have life figured out.  I wanted her to feel confident, beautiful, strong, independent, yet compassionate and kind.  I didn't know how to teach those qualities if I didn't have them. 

 We didn't get pregnant right away.  It became a process. 

I started stressing about my fertility, Justin's fertility..

Was my past affecting my future?

Was this a punishment?

I read back in my journal during this time and there is a definite theme of discouragement but beyond that was a theme of praise.    

September 3, 2010

"I believe in the favor of God.  

Grace + Favor= Charis

I am nervous of this pregnancy thing.  Am I?  Am I not?  I immediately turn to the web and take the "are you pregnant quiz?" or open my book.  Why don't I just turn to God?  I am wasting all this time, consuming my mind with this junk.  It's 100% out of sheer excitement but it's quickly turning to doubt and worry.  

I need to ask for the favor of God and have faith.

  Thank you in advance Jesus.

  Ezekiel 1 & 2

-  Acting in direct obedience and hearing God's voice.

-Being intune with what He is speaking about...choosing to be still...."

I ended up walking that book to the dumpster and I made a conscience decision to stop checking the internet.

We found out we were pregnant on October 7, 2010.

Favor of God?  I know so.

Lucy came into this world on June 7, 2011.  8.2 lbs of pure chubby cuteness.  I was so blessed because I had my sister Rebecca and sister-in-law (sister), Lori in the delivery room along with Justin of course.

Instant Love. 

 She has set a balance to our home.  Two boys and two girls.  I just need one more girl to tilt the scales in my direction!  

I believe in praying with specificity.  The more I read, the more I realize that God delights in blessing his children.  

I believe that our words hold weight.

I believe that there is power in the name of Jesus.

I believe that I might look like a crazy woman in my living room on any given morning worshiping Him but I'm okay with that.

My friend from work, Tiffany, is a super prayer warrior.  She has become a great friend of mine and on a personal/spiritual level, I feel like we make a great team together.

  I told her that I desired a girl and she asked what else?  I said, "I want her to have hair!"

Tiffany prayed for that over my baby. 

Why not?

Why do we put God in a box?  Why do we think we get one prayer request a day/week/month?

It's not like that...it's about faith.

Have faith my friends.  Remember, God delights in blessing his children.

Psalm 85: 10-13 

"Love and faithfulness meet together;

righteousness and peace kiss each other.

Faithfulness springs forth from the earth,

and righteousness looks down from heaven.

The Lord indeed will give what is good,

and our land will yield it's harvest.

Righteousness goes before him

and prepares the way for his steps."

Amazing to know that He is going before us.  Making sure the way is safe and protected.

Can you feel that Psalm filling your heart?  

After reading this verse, I have to take a deep breath.

In this world, we will never know the depths of His love.

The Zit That Consumed My Week-Beauty in the Break

Type. Erase it. Type. Erase it.

Last week I had a zit that consumed my entire week.  When I looked in the mirror my eyes just fixed on it.  I would put my finger up to cover the spot and think "I wish this is what I looked like."  Throughout my days, I would check the mirror more often to make sure my concealer was doing the trick.  When I went to Target, I almost thought people were dodging it??  Is that possible?  In my mind, yes.  When having any kind of serious convo with Justin, I thought he wasn't taking me seriously because of my zit.  I even questioned it a few times.  Is this vain?  I think so.  It's probably only the surface of something more deeply rooted.

Never satisfied.  I can point out every flaw on myself faster than anything else...why?  It seems to be on the edge of my mind.  I constantly bother Justin about my outside appearance.  My excuse is always "I'm a girl, we are all insecure".  I then think if this statement is true or not. 

 Is it gender related? 

 Is it hereditary? 

 Do the most secure people go home and melt? 

 It's hard to hold up a front.  I see it on a daily basis...eventually a crack will appear and if you push hard enough that crack will grow and eventually break.  It's the beauty in the break.  

I have never been satisfied with my weight.  It's a daily surrender.  Like a lot of other things.  Please don't think problems or sin patterns disappear.  You are forgiven, redeemed and human.  Today I was praying that I would dodge the enemies arrows.  Have you ever seen an arrow fly from the bow?  Smooth, fast and unexpected.  It's naive to think you are exempt.  

I become discouraged with what the scale says.  Planning.  Calorie counting.  Disappointed.  

Unsatisfied.  

I sometimes feel like I have no real talent.  Planning.  Seeking.  

Unsatisfied.

I become annoyed at how ugly my car is.  How old am I?  Questioning.  Ungrateful.  

Unsatisfied.

Finances..ugh.   Stressed.  Rubbing my temples.  Frustrated.

Unsatisfied.

Look at those roots.  Not pretty. 

 Do you ever look at your heart, really look at your heart and think "Yuck, that is ugly.  If people only knew."  

You're not alone.  

What a relief it would be if people were who they really are, scars and all.  Ugliness and all.  What does Jesus say in Matthew?  That He came for the broken.  That's you.  That's me.  Perfection has never been required.  

Feeling broken?

  Feeling unworthy?  

This may not mean much but from me to you, it's okay.  We are meant to need Him.  We are meant to need healing, inside and out.  We are meant to thirst for something more outside of ourselves.  Whose to say we can't talk about our hardships.  The beauty in the break.  Relief.  

Breathe easier knowing you aren't alone tonight.