So many butts: Ashtray Apologies

It started by smoking my friend's dad's cigarette butts.

A few years later, it transpired to social smoking at parties in high school.  I didn't feel like it had control over me.  

Somehow that social smoking became a stress reliever.

Eventually, I didn't need to be social to smoke.  

I was perfectly content doing it alone.  

Sure, the nicotine was addicting but it was the comfort in the fall back of smoking that had it's draw. 

When I think of addiction, I don't immediately think physical, I think mental.

An action that I was using to cover an emotion.  

Physically the urge was there but the mental outweighed the physical attachment.  

It was the routine.

It was the 10 minute break I would take from normal life.

It was ironically the time when I felt like I could take a deep breath.

I quit cold turkey 8 years ago.  No patch or gum or electrical cigarette.  

Just quit.  There were people in my life that I didn't want to disappoint and I knew that this would hurt them.  So, I took their emotions into consideration and quit.  

I didn't do it for my health or finances.  

It became a choice over an addiction.    

And now, 8 years later, it is still a daily choice.  The desire has never left but my knowledge has increased.  More than a cigarette, I desire health for myself and my husband.  I desire to carry children who are not exposed to smoke in the womb helplessly.  I desire to maintain a household that is not filled with full ashtrays, smelly clothes and eye burning smoke.  I desire to steward our finances more efficiently.  I desire life for myself and if not myself, to give them to someone who can use them...healthy lungs.  

Now, the difficult part is not being judgmental when I see other people smoking.

Then I realize that maybe that person was never told how important they were.  How valuable their life was.   A support system that stood by them, not condescendingly but lovingly.  Possibly they saw their parents smoking all their life.  Maybe it's their only escape from life.     

I apologize smokers. 

I know it's hard.  

I'm sorry for dirty looks.  I'm sorry for my sarcastic cough.  I'm sorry for wondering if you can afford those.  I'm sorry for my insecurities because when I see you, I see myself years ago and I was ashamed of myself.  

It's not you, it's me...but I'm sorry.

Quitting did demonstrate to myself how strong I was and am.  

Quitting gave me a ministry opportunity.

Quitting gave me the knowledge to pass down to my children first hand.

Quitting gave my body another chance.

No human being is going to fight for your life harder than you will.  I know within myself that I don't have the power, strength, ability, or wisdom but I have to give it the best chance possible.

Like I have said before, there is power in bringing things to light.  Where there is light, the darkness cannot remain.  It's time to deflate the enemy.  He is on the move.

“Aslan is on the move. The Witch's magic is weakening.” -Father Christmas