30 & Thriving

30 years down, 70 to go.

Am I where I pictured myself at 30?  

No.

There are milestones that I feel like a 30 year old with 2 1/2 kids would have reached by now, but we have a long life ahead of us so what's the rush and I wouldn't change the compromises we have made because we feel like the Lord is preparing us and patience produces integrity.

Much of my personality hasn't changed much since I was a child, I'm sure my parents could attest to that.  I used to stand in front of the television and do the weather for my parents using a candle stick for my microphone.  When Justin asked my dad to marry me, my dad reminded Justin that I was a college student who still put my papers on the refrigerator.  I appreciate affirmation and I see that in Lucy.  

Quite goofy and bossy (so I have been told).  Mom said that one day I was standing on a piece of furniture bossing my brothers and  parents around and mom stopped and said, "she is just standing there bossing us around and we are all doing it."  

It never took much for me to stop and put on a performance, a good commercial, impression, or just dressing up out of pure boredom.  Sadly, Justin now lives with this.    

I love to celebrate and that's why I love the Holiday season so much.  Lights, music, festivities, gatherings, Christmas movies, food, excitement.  Last year I came home in early November to find that Justin had put up the Christmas tree.  Bram loves to celebrate just as much as I do.  Whenever we go to Target, he asks if we can walk through the isles of (yes, already) Christmas lights.  I think it's important to slow down and allow him to find the beauty in simplicity.  

I love making memories with our family.  

I love how Lucy pulls up her stool in the bathroom while I am putting my make-up on and just watches me.  I remember watching my dad shave in the mornings so many times and how their bedroom and bathroom where rarely off limits.  Strangely, I found comfort in that.  I remember wondering one time if Justin thought it was strange that my entire family was sitting in my parents bedroom as like the "hang out" place.  We would joke that once a boyfriend or girlfriend saw my mom in her underwear that they were the one, which wasn't the truth because most of my boyfriends either surprised my mom in her undies or caught her running away...in her undies.  

As every year passes, I assume the goal is to understand myself better and work on things.

I am learning that sometimes it's better to not comment on things, even if my advice is being asked.  For the most part, when I have remained silent, I have done my best work.  (work in progress here)

When people are in pain, the voice of "reason" is not always the most effective.  

Give even when it doesn't seem needed.  For the past 6 months or so, I have felt convicted about giving to those asking for money.  Yes, I saw the 20/20 where they followed people who stood on the side of the road with signs and they actually were not  poor, but that is not my decision to make.  This week, I had 7 dollars in cash on me and there was a lady with a sign and I felt a nudging "give to the least of these" is what I heard.  So I thought, okay, I will give her $2 and I got a quick "no, give her the $5"...darn.  As Justin handed her the  money, she yanked it out of his is hand almost like we owed it to her and in the past I would have thought, what a waste of $5, but now I have learned that it is my job to be obedient not to judge or even worry about that.  The truth is, she is out there and I am not and regardless of where she is spending her money, it is my job to take care of those who need it.

I have learned to not judge other's parenting skills.  It's hard.  One is easier than two, two is easier than three and so on.  I don't believe that parents intentions are to screw up their kids.  In our minds, we are thinking of the things that we enjoyed while growing up and the things we would like to change and sorting that out with enough energy and patience in a snap of a finger is hard.  Some days I just have to pray, Lord be the parent that I cannot today.    

Most importantly, I have learned that prayer works.  Maybe not to be extent or timing but we will always be taken care of and provided for.

I am excited about all of the things that I will continue to grow in.  Two days before my birthday I journaled about a change of heart.  

Just a pure and kind heart, possibly my lifetime goal.
   

The past 6 1/2 years have definitely been my favorite.  Developing my relationship with the Lord, meeting and marrying Justin, finding Eagle church, becoming a part of the youth ministry team, trips to Thailand/Cambodia, meeting wonderful friends that love the Lord and me, and last but obviously not least,  the birth of my two (soon to be three) wonderful children with an instant love.

Now be prepared for picture overload!!   (seriously, so many pictures)

CMAs

I have those days, weeks, months when I feel/hope that something amazing is going to happen.  As much as a realist as I am, I am a random dreamer as well.

-No Justin, we aren't using a credit card to buy that guitar. 

- Sorry babe, we can't quit our jobs and move to Hawaii to be sail boat instructors.

-No Bram, our apartments don't allow giraffes as pets.

BUT, for some reason whenever I watch the CMA's I think next year, Justin will be there.  I walk through Von Maur looking at the beautiful dresses and wonder which one I will wear.  Sometimes I grab one off the rack and do a quick twirl while Justin smirks and keeps on walking.  It's a strange twist to our very specific "role" marriage.  I am the "matter of fact" mentality and he is the guy driving around to find the end of the rainbow (remember that day, babe?)  And because of his humility and my desire for him to do what he loves, our roles just flip in this setting.  

He doesn't want to get disappointed and I want to get excited.

These past 3 months I have not been in a great place.  We have had to make some decisions that were not difficult but challenging.  I have felt the tides of change for some time now lingering above and I think when they crash down, I will be refreshed. 

 Patience for me is hard. 

 Patience for a few days, I get anxious.......weeks, nervous wreck...but years.  Years of, "Come on Lord, what's next?  Seriously now, just give us an answer...open a door."  I do believe that when the Spirit abides within, the Lord prepares us and sometimes I do wonder if this feeling is His way of allowing the tide to crash down and give me some refreshment amongst the ??? stage.  Just resigning our lease was like pulling teeth, seems like something simple, but we just didn't know what the wise thing to do was.  And then there are the questions that just creep into my mind on a weekly basis.

"What's the best way to save?"

"What's cheaper, Walmart or Target?"

"Why are my feelings hurt so easily?"

"Is the baby okay?"

"Did we make the right decision by resigning our lease?"
"Are we truly trusting in the Lord?"  

"Am I being nicer to Lucy than Bram?"

"Did one get more attention than the other today?"
 "Am I working so that we have a relationship outside our kids?"

"What if I can't give anymore...what if it's been sucked out of me?"
"Can I make it through this month?"

"Do I have any hobbies?"

"Anything exciting happening soon?????"

Because my imagination can be so fiercely wonderful sometimes, dreaming about who knows what is my excitement for the day.  A day filled with wake-up, breakfast, clean-up breakfast, play, nap, change diapers, change clothes, play, lunch, clean-up lunch, play, (tired), more diapers, nap, pick-up toys, laundry, groceries, dinnertime, clean-up dinner, (home stretch) baths, PJ's, brush teeth, read stories, pray, tickle and snuggle.....that dreamer mentality is for me, in that moment. 

I am not in denial, I understand that we may need to be patient for years more and that serious questions need to have serious talks and answers, but until then, I will continue to pull off the Von Maur dresses and Justin will continue to tell me that I always pick out the "old lady" dresses there and I will twirl and dream and wait.

  

   

Are You Out There, Billie?

Thursday, July 21-2011

Lucy was 6 weeks old.  I woke up, preparing to head up to camp with Jayne and the kids.  I had to some how manage to feed Lucy at just the right time so that we didn't have to stop too much.
I was sitting on the stairs, waiting on Jayne while rocking my infant in her car carrier.
A little after 10:30am, Jayne arrived and we loaded up and headed out.  Because I don't pay attention to directions unless I have too, I can't even tell you where or how to get to camp...I was just excited to see Justin and I know he was missing the kids.
Jayne and I chatted a bit, I gave Bram some black olives to snack on and shortly after, they came directly back up.
  
We pulled over at the next exit which happened to be a McDonalds and with the help of Jayne, we were able to get the vomit cleaned up, Bram cleaned up and some sodas for ourselves.  As we were pulling out Jayne mentioned that we hadn't prayed before our trip, so she said a short protective prayer over us and we jumped back on the interstate.
We passed the large Nestle quick bunny and I remember thinking that Bram would think that was cool if he had time to look over but I soon noticed that we were getting quite close to the car in the next lane.  I didn't want to seem bossy and critique her driving so I just glanced over at Jayne and she was having a seizure.
I started screaming at her, screaming her name, yelling for her to stop and wake up.  I knew there wasn't much time to get this under control and I had a short thought about how a crash would impact my kids and that maybe if Lucy was sleeping she wouldn't feel anything.
Time was ticking.
Mommy mode.
Save the kids.
Save my kids.
Save Jayne.
Save myself.

(harder to write than I thought after a year, my hands are shaking)  Get control Janna.

We were on a three lane interstate going between 60 and 70.  I unbuckled, stuck my head in between Jayne's leg and with one hand pressed the brake and the other handed guided the wheel over to the ditch.  I just kept waiting to feel the rumble strips to know that we were safe.

There they were.
Rumbling away.  Greatest sound ever.
As I came up, I realized Jayne was still seizing.  I ran out to the side of the road crying, jumping, and screaming for help.  You would be surprised at how many people drove on by.  And then came Billie and her husband.  They rolled down the window and I explained that something was wrong.  Billie's husband jumped out of the van and ran to Jayne's attention, with no hesitation and began caring for her.  I turned around and saw Bram's face looking back at me through the car window.  It was another image that will take a while to forget.  He was crying and terrified, I could tell he was mouthing "mommy".
Lucy, well she slept through the entire thing.
More people pulled over.
Asking questions.
I wondered how I was going to tell Brad that Jayne was dead, because I thought that was the reality in that moment.
Calling people.  No one answered.
Voice shaking.  Hands shaking.
Driving to the hospital.  Talking to Billie.
Neither Brad or Justin answer.
Kyle answers and gets Meg and kids ready to head that way..
Lori answers and says that she would leave work and come to the hospital.  Poor Lori spent hours with me panicking and probably still in shock, along with two kids.
My dad also came up and spent hours with me and the kids.

Jayne came to and I got to see her.  The doctor teared up and said "you don't know how lucky you both are."
Luck?  Nah.
Divine intervention? Yes.

Okay, so I don't know exactly how this goes but this is what I imagine.
The Lord in his heavenly throne that morning before I even wake up.  "Some of my children are going to need me today. I still need them here.  They have purpose.  Go."  And His heavenly angels descend from the heavenly throne and do the mighty work of God.   Not fluttering, but wings stretched high/strong/mighty and performing miracles in His name.

Changed the meaning of Savior for me that day.  Savior for my soul and that day my human life.

The past two months, I have been having more panic attacks while driving.  I feel like people are too close or swerving into me.  Bram mentions the accident anytime I hit the rumble strips.
The reminder is painful but the result is glorious.  I am SO grateful that my husband isn't a widow and visiting our grave-sites.  Morbid?  What was the alternative here?

Life or death.
Breath is a gift.  Protection is a gift.  Life is a gift.  So precious.

Thank you for giving me another year.  Another year to spend with my husband, watch my children grow,  and surround ourselves with people we love.
Wow.......thank you.

Yes, I still talk to Jayne :).  This took our relationship to a whole new loving level.  Her and Brad have been amazing friends and mentors in our lives.  I just told her that I wouldn't get in the car with her again...she understands that that comes from love.  Near or far, Brad and Jayne will always be a part of our lives.
Lastly, something that would be amazing in 2012 for myself personally.  To thank Billie.  I don't have a last name and I don't know where she lives.  With social media these days, I should be able to find her, right?  If you know of anyone named Billie who might briefly have talked about an incident like this that happened on July 21. 2011 on interstate 69, send her my way.  She meant more to me that day that she probably will ever know....unless I get to personally tell her.

"And if our God is for us, than who could ever stop us.  And if our God is with us, than what could stand against."

Bite My Tongue.

Proverbs 15:4
-The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life.

This verse has revisited my mind within the past few months several times.
 It's something I truly desire.  A voice that proclaims encouragement, laughter, kindness, joy, wisdom, sympathy and love.  Obviously, it is not something I have mastered and the chances of having a spotless tongue within this lifetime are slim.
We are relational people with different personalities, fears and opinions.  It is evident that people  are naturally going to be irritable and the thoughts that bounce from one brain cell to the next eventually just roll off our tongue.
It's a difficult balance.  Do I hold all my thoughts in?  Is it necessary to always sound my opinion?  Can I just let the other person be right?
Some days, I literally feel like I am drowning in my thoughts.  I have a few great people that I have surrounded myself with that I immediately turn to when I need a sounding board.
Sometimes my words are hurtful and ugly.
They listen.
Sometimes they are tearful and lonely.
They cry with me.
Sometimes they are joyful and full of laughter.
They laugh with me until we cry.

Because of my past and situations I have been in that were less than lovely, I have heard some ugly words come from people within the church.  Years of hurt built up because of ignorance and tongues that did not follow the Proverbs.  I still can remember hurtful words unfortunately that either I heard myself or heard from someone else.  This does not mean that the words they said were even untrue, just insensitive to moments where a young woman had more junk than she could carry.  I would never say that I would go back and do it the same, because with the mindset I have now, I couldn't live a life of outright sin.  Even within the midst of heavy sin and a stronghold that clung tight, the Lord was working on me.  He sent his angels from the heavenly throne to release me, I believe that.
Those moments did mold me into a woman that knows herself.

I know myself without Justin.
I am working on knowing myself without children.
Justin was able to marry a woman that was already perfectly put together...totally kidding here, lighten up.
One of the reasons that I fell in love with Justin was because he was so non-judgmental.  I understand I am kind of an acquired taste but he has always looked at my fallings as ministry opportunities and a better understanding of those hurting.
Just as I remember the hurtful words, I choose to cling to the encouraging words and people who were and have been loving and words that "brought healing."  Amen!
We have a small plant that I forget to water and with the heat it is quickly withering and the flowers have stopped blooming.  I picture that as the tongue (my tongue) that at times brings criticism and gossip.  There is also a lush tree that covers our patio.  This bad boy is huge with healthy leaves that sound like the ocean when a rush of wind catches them.  This tree has been given what is needed to flourish and survive.  That is a Proverbs 15:4 tongue.

                            I have to surround myself with tongues that bring life.
                           Don't let ignorant words shape the direction of your life.

"My strengthen in life is I am Yours."

I am More.

We celebrated another Mother's Day, thankful for children and healthy children at that.
For several months now, I have been struggling finding myself outside the title of mother.  A wonderful title it is but I never want it to become my identity.
There was a celebrity on television discussing the birth of her new child and she said "now I understand my purpose."

My children are not my purpose.
My husband is not my purpose.
My family is not my purpose.

I was created an individual with gifts and talents that were God breathed into me before I was even born.  My beautiful babies are a blessing to a life that had purpose before them.
On really hard days, when the routine is too routine and the mess is the same mess I cleaned up yesterday, I have to remind myself that.
I am more.
I remind myself that truly knowing who I am will benefit everyone around me.
I am more.
I am not going to wait until they are out of the house to develop my character.
I am more.
I have my own dreams and desires that I should pursue.
I. Am. More.

I love my children.  I ache when I am away from them, but I am more than mom.  When I have conversations with people I care about, I want those to be more about who I am becoming and where my heart is and to listen and care about their situations, trials, joys, and their life.
So easy to get sucked into allowing our children to become our world and everything and everyone circling around that too.
When we became pregnant, we chose to sacrifice at that moment many things, but I will never give up on my spiritual growth, my marriage....myself.

I picture our status' following overhead, our own labeled titles that we give ourselves.  Today, I am jumping high and wiping that clean.  Bursting the cloud that describes me based on my current status.
I am identified by many components.

I am sensitive to others, I enjoy laughing, alone time, learning, breathing in fresh air, I am fighter for justice, and I love to love.
I am also angry of past situations, anxious, fearful of circumstances I cannot control, confused about my direction in life, and hurt by people's unintentional actions or words.
I've got some work to do.
I started a study with a friend of mine and we are only on day two, but I am already soaking in the information and just grateful that I can spend time with another woman on a weekly basis discussing, well, us.
I will leave you with an insert from this study.  He is preparing me for eternity so waiting until my kids are off to college or married isn't an option, the work and the shifting needs to be happening now.

"Part of being in the family means God is now working on you.  One reason we have difficulty accepting His work in our lives is that our view of Him is so limited.  God is much greater than we give Him credit for.  He really knows what He's doing.  When you're in the mist of trials, you can rejoice to know that God loves you and that He will work in your circumstances according to His larger purpose for your life.  He is molding you into what He wants you to be for eternity.  So determine now to get the full benefit of your trials.  Life is short, and eternity is very, very long."

I would be a little more panicked about our current situations if I thought that this life was it.

It's not.

Future Focused

Today I have been thinking about a Mother's Day gifts for my own mother and mother-in-law.  I love and respect both of them and I know that they do a tremendous amount for our family. They both dedicate a day to watching our children...for free.
I started thinking about what kind of people my children would end up with.  Justin and I have discussed how many children we would like to have (Lord willing), and of course we both would have many, many children because they are amazing and bring so much joy and fire to our life.
I told Justin that 3 would be my top number only because I realize that one day, they will find a girlfriend/boyfriend and spouse and I desperately desire to count them as my own children.
I want to love them like my own, spoil them like my own, hug them like my own, and have a sincere and genuine relationship with them.
My hopes are pushing it....I know but deep deep down my desire would be for them to
call me,
come to me,
cry to me,
listen to me,
and personally that I would have the time to know them.

Sure for the first 18-30(ish) years my children will be my only, but once they date and marry, that number will quickly double.  I hope that what I do for them does not come off as annoying or intrusive but as loving.

To Bram's future wife:
Bram is our baby, first born, intelligent and right now a bit spoiled (we are working on it).  If his personality remains the same, you will hopefully show him how to loosen up and enjoy life, enjoy nature, to take a deep breathe.  He has a sensitive spirit and I believe that he is compassionate and hurts when other's hurt.  He is sweet and every day he touches my face and tells me how pretty I am.
I imagine you bringing a bit of uncertain spunk and spontaneity to his life.

To Lucy's future husband:
Lucy is still young but she is such a happy girl.  Her personality is starting to truly come through and she is a spit fire.  She can hold her own with Bram and knows what she wants.  I imagine her being dedicated, determined and also lively and fun.  I think she will need a man that can guide her and bring her back down to earth now and again.
What a beauty she is, just breath-taking.

To our future children:
First and foremost for we  pray you will seek out Godly women/men.
Obviously you will be wonderful inside and out...guaranteed you will have your daddy wrapped around your finger within your first minute of birth...seems to be the trend.

Do you think I am being a little too future-focused?  That my children are still too young?
Ask my mom who still remembers my brothers telling me that I had the "gift of blab" and standing on top of the furniture around 4 or 5 bossing everyone around (they obeyed).
Or ask my mother-in-law whom I'm sure has many wonderful memories of little Justin, but especially his head full of dark curls.
I think as my kids grow and I continue to parent, as long as I am consistent (still developing), loving, a disciplinarian, respected and respectful, understanding, available, trustworthy...what else will they portray about me to their future spouses.
I have never wanted to be a dictator over my children or push for perfection, just a good parent.

These will be the most trying, difficult, beautiful, tearful, joyful, and snuggly 18 years.  Pretty sure these past 3 1/2 years of parenting have come and gone in the blink of a tired eye.

(Yes, I someday picture Bram's 6'4 body cuddled on his mamas lap)

..................just being future focused on a beautiful May evening.

"Verhicle"

Sometimes writing in the midst of the unknown helps ensure clarity within myself.

So I am writing.
It's just a season, huh?  Which season is that again?

Yesterday J was having car trouble.  We are not strangers to car troubles.
I guess most people just take their cars in and pay for them to be fixed?
Simple.
Is that what they do?

We have never drove new or fancy cars or had the option to just take them into the mechanic when they started running poorly.
It used to bother me.
I felt like my stuff defined me.

It doesn't.
I know we are way cooler than our vehicles.

It obviously still bothers me when the vehicle refuses to run and that makes me nervous.  We need the cars we have to go to work, transport our children, do what normal Americans do to get around.

Back to yesterday.  When J called me sounding concerned, I felt a peace.  I knew something was wrong with that 1996 Subaru Legacy  (first time I have ever publicly announced that) and I could hear the worry in J's voice, but my anxiety was at rest.
I prayed.  I prayed for a super natural work to be down in the old car.
J spent five hours working on that car.  He had already worked a full day and it was finals week, but he took care of us.
Today the car began acting up again.  Not just acting up but it threw a fit.
It was towed away off of the interstate around 7:30 pm tonight.
What does this mean for my prayers?  That they aren't answered?  That it wasn't a big enough deal or issue?  That there are people starving and my car problem isn't on His to do list?

This is where my daily circumstances can either determine my emotions or because I have faith, my character remains strong.  It remains true to who I say I am and what I believe in.

Let me be very clear, my core is quite pissed.  It's easy for my mind to whirlwind into the financial things J and I have had to fight over the years and when that inner anger rushes in, it's easy to forget the blessings.

Today I called out.  I called out to my God.  I explained our situation, as if he wasn't aware, and at one point I was begging for a miracle.
A car miracle.  If I can pull a hollywood on it, we could call it a "verhicale" or "verhicle"?  No?
Fine.

The Lord has always provided for us, but that doesn't make the situations in the moment any easier but right now, the peace in my soul is there.

He is doing a work in me.  To me that means that he allowed this circumstance to occur because He wanted to strengthen me, build my character, pull the tar from my heart.
That's way cooler than a verhicle (sorry) at this point.  My heart is way more valuable to Him.
A few weeks ago, I was moaning about my finances and I felt Him say, "I would be more concerned about the condition of your heart than your finances."
Ouch.

I am going to go to bed with the unknown remaining to be the unknown.  I don't have an answer or a funny surprise story where the car walked home.
It's at the shop and we don't have control at this point, doesn't waiver my faith.

What do we have to lose to even whisper a prayer whether out of desperation, from the depths of our souls, from heartbreak, anger, abuse, confusion........................the unknown.
Really though, can it hurt?

Jehovah Jireh-The Lord Will Provide.

Children See, Children Do-Blue Eyes

This past weekend was hectic and busy.  J was out of town and all I could do was wake up and think about how many hours it would be until the kids went to bed.
I craved adult conversations, any help, visits, planned activities, and by Sunday I realized I had just wished my entire weekend away.
My laziness and loneliness for that weekend led me to being inconsistent with Bram, a little resentful, unjoyful, etc.....

For myself, these are typically the times when the Lord intervenes and opens my eyes to things bigger than myself and shows me what breaks His heart.
"Quit being so selfish, Janna."
"Do not wish away any day because they go by fast enough."
"Daughter, are you even concerned about what I am concerned about?"

Sunday afternoon I took the kids to the park.  The swing that Bram loves was available which made me excited for him.   I kept saying, "Run Bram!  Hurry!  Get your swing!"

Then the little girl in the red sweater caught my eye, she had the prettiest blue eyes
She was probably 6 or 7 and had down syndrome.  She started swing hopping to get closer to Lucy.  Lucy continued her eye contact and blue eyes sat there with only the wind blowing her enough to move her swing a bit.
Every part of me wanted to swing her, but fearful of Dateline popping out from behind the trees and Chris Hanson questioning why I was swinging a little girl that I didn't know.  My fear held me back from being His hands.
Sad.

A group of girls came up to blue eyes and started bossing her around, telling her she needed to get out of the swing, at one point physically pushing her.  The Justice Janna in me was rising to the surface in probably an unhealthy manner.  It only took one "hey!" for them to scatter.

Then Reese came along.  She offered to push blue eyes and kept checking on her, asking if she was pushing too high, or she would like her to stop.
It was beautiful.
It was kindness to a stranger.
It was the Lord moving in children.
I know it is how He desired His people to treat one another.
Reese's dad called for her, that's the only way I even know her name. (yes, kind of creepy)

Blue eyes from there on tried to mingle with the other groups of children.
Finally she found a toddler that seemed interested in her.  Blue eyes sat on the balance beam while her and her new friend were having a conversation and before you know it, the mom came and snatched up her daughter.

Something rose up in me in that moment, instantly from my feet it rushed up to my heart.
  Pain.
  Anger.
  Disappointment.
The moment the mom walked away was one that felt like it was in slow motion.  She didn't acknowledge blue eyes, she didn't allow her child to say good-bye.  I found myself glaring at her as time just froze, my heart breaking for blue eyes, a child of Christ, my new friend.

Are we really raising these children to not look into the heart?  Even as role models, mentors... ..children are watching.  I wondered if Reese experienced her parents showing kindness on a regular basis to others, no matter their  circumstances.
How I am teaching the girls I am with at work, my junior high small group girls, friends, my own children, how I am showing love?  Not just love, but compassion.  Love is the feeling but compassion is the drive.

Children See Children Do.

I continued to watch blue eyes has she walked away with a rush of wind blowing her brown hair.  She had her arms stretched out wide.

"Lord, be her protector and defender.  Thank you for taking a rough weekend and giving me insight on what  is breaking your heart."


Below is a link to a short video that may seem disturbing, but I saw it years ago and it has just stuck and it still makes me cry.  It seems appropriate and worth the watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m25VjD0Uz9c

Thank you Reese.

Whohabook

I waiver back and forth when it comes to what's appropriate concerning clothing.
Personally, I think there is much to say about someone's individual style.

I respect those who display their beauty through their clothing.
I love seeing the confidence in the apparel that isn't the norm.
I love love love fashion trends...I think they can be so much fun.

One thing that has not changed for me for years now is dressing with integrity (i'm not a huge fan of the word modesty).
I am not a turtle neck and sweat pants kind of girl.
I enjoy dressing trendy, fun, slimming, and dare I say sexy.
But I do think that the line that was drawn in the sand as been washed away by the tides of
"sexy is cleavage"
"sexy is midriff"
"sexy is tiny bathing suits"

Lies.
Lies.
Lies.

My facebook has been flooded by bathing suit pictures from spring breakers which doesn't bother me, but I realize that those same facebook pictures have been flooding my husbands facebook newsfeed.  He can't control what pops up.  My precious husband who has dedicated his life to me.

Personally, I don't think it's fair.

Let's be honest, the boobs and the whohas are covered...that's it.
So these past few weeks, my facebook has been personally renamed to "Whohabook".

If you are taking personal offense, I just would like to say this does not come from any kind of jealousy or misunderstanding of what's in style on my behalf.
I get it.
I understand that it's hard to find a cute suit that's a one piece but do you see what's happening??  Society is manipulating us into a one style culture.

 It's personally an ongoing battle for what we will do with Lucy, and she's only 9 months old.  Justin asked me if I would let L wear a 2 piece, which I was super wish washy about  and told him that I might, but I wouldn't let those pictures be on the web for everyone to stare out.  You NEVER know what creeper is looking at those.....staring.....day dreaming......get the gist, here?

Justin then asked if I was okay with the beach goers staring at Lucy the same way.  I don't know why I felt like there was a difference, but I did.
Two summers ago I was wearing a 2 piece and thought nothing of it.
Was that fair to the men going to the pool for an afternoon swim?  (I'm not saying my bod is something amazing but most men aren't that picky).


My awesome, beautiful friend said, "poor guys, they only have red blood."
That shook my soul a bit.

Red blood.

Why do so many men  struggle with pornography?
Red blood syndrome?

Victoria Secret Fashion Show with get this, 10.3 MILLION viewers.
Red Blood Syndrome?

Pastors, congressman, presidents, entertainers, everyday men having affairs.
Red Blood Syndrome?

Shorts are shorter, dresses are tighter, shirts are more low-cut.
Red Blood Syndrome?

I just want to put this out there, whether you agree or not.
Men are visual creatures.
The stare due to less clothing is because of sex, not because they think you are intelligent, funny, witty, or caring.

The Lord has more than likely blessed some of you with external beauty which you should embrace and take care of AND more importantly protect.

Justin bounces his eyes off the television anytime a sexual commercial or show comes on.
Why?
Because he knows he is a visual creature.  It has nothing to do with his love towards me or him not thinking I am beautiful, he is protecting our marriage.
He is protecting his bride.
He is protecting his children.

I know this may cause a stir...I am prepared.  I just know what is heavy on my heart.  If you are personally offended, I am okay with that.  I will remain to be non-judgmental but not afraid to be blunt and if you know anything about me, you know that is true.
Ultimately, this does not boil down to a one piece vs. a two piece, it's about personally choosing to protect the men around you that you may not even know.  Whatever that means to you.

As women, let's reclaim to being desired because of our personalities, dreams, what breaks our hearts and let our sexual beauty be the joy of marriage.

Mirror Mirror-The Frightening Perspective of A Pre-Teen

I prayed for a daughter.

I had a fear that I wasn't equipped to handle a daughter because of the issues that I had and still have.  I feared that I would pass down my mistakes.  I feared that I wouldn't be able to fix myself before she was born.  I wondered with all my insecurities, was it possible to raise a woman that loved herself...even if I didn't love myself.
The day, the hour, the minute...that very moment when we found out we were having a girl was the moment that I felt like I was capable.  And for the moments that I will not be, He will.
I'm sure if you ask Justin the only annoying thing about me :) is how much I complain about myself.  I pick and pick and pick.  Never satisfied with the reflection.  The mirror almost becomes a daunting visual of something that I have never admired.

This is nothing new.  It stems from something deeper.

Diary Inserts:
September 29, 1993
I just wish I was pretty. I'm just not good for the cute boys.  
Sept 28. 1994
I love ____ but he thinks I am a dog.  All cute boys think I am a dog.  I am not very pretty.  But I have to live with myself.
October 15, 1994
I might be ugly but I have feelings too.
These are 3 diary inserts when I was only 11 or 12.  It broke my heart to read them.  Did I have even an ounce of self-esteem?  Was anyone telling me that I was beautiful, worthy, lovely?
That is a heart of this 11 year old.
Not carefree like you would imagine.  I seemed stressed, unhappy, lonely, and unsatisfied.
11.
Only being influenced by friends and immature 11 year old boys.
11.
Wanting an adult to take me under their wing.  An adult that I looked up to and could confide in so that these entries would not be made in a diary, but a woman that could tell me the truth.
11.
That 11 year old still shows up in the mirror.
11.
That 11 year old heart still beats in my chest...yes it's older, but there.



April 9, 2012
Sweet Lucy.  I will tell you everyday that you are intelligent and wonderful.  I will remind you that you are beautiful on the outside and how the beauty you display on the inside is much more significant.  I will embrace your creativity.  I will discipline when needed because I love you.  I will teach you the value of people's souls and hearts.  I will tell you about a God that is much bigger and powerful that a lot of Christians even believe.  Your father will not just be the bread winner but an active participant in your life.  He will tell you your value on a daily basis and display how a man should treat his bride by how he treats me.  He will make every other man seem less than impressive.  He will try and talk to you about the awkward stuff and while you roll your eyes he will press through because you are worth the eye rolls.  He will hug you and say "I love you".  Together we will provide a united front.  We will pray as a family, talk about life, and grow together.  And the day when your father has to give you away to that man that loves the Lord more than you, our tears will only be those of joy.
Lucy, maintain your dignity, purity, kindness, joy, and self-worth.
For now, we will continue to pray over your round bald head while you sleep in your crib and watch those chubby thighs crawl and your gummy smile lighten up our day.  
We are so thankful for you sweet sweet Lulu.  Sleep tight darling.
-Mommy


June 27, 1994
I follow the Lord and will do anything for my kids to too.
That 11 year old heart still beats in my chest as well.

So many butts: Ashtray Apologies

It started by smoking my friend's dad's cigarette butts.

A few years later, it transpired to social smoking at parties in high school.  I didn't feel like it had control over me.  

Somehow that social smoking became a stress reliever.

Eventually, I didn't need to be social to smoke.  

I was perfectly content doing it alone.  

Sure, the nicotine was addicting but it was the comfort in the fall back of smoking that had it's draw. 

When I think of addiction, I don't immediately think physical, I think mental.

An action that I was using to cover an emotion.  

Physically the urge was there but the mental outweighed the physical attachment.  

It was the routine.

It was the 10 minute break I would take from normal life.

It was ironically the time when I felt like I could take a deep breath.

I quit cold turkey 8 years ago.  No patch or gum or electrical cigarette.  

Just quit.  There were people in my life that I didn't want to disappoint and I knew that this would hurt them.  So, I took their emotions into consideration and quit.  

I didn't do it for my health or finances.  

It became a choice over an addiction.    

And now, 8 years later, it is still a daily choice.  The desire has never left but my knowledge has increased.  More than a cigarette, I desire health for myself and my husband.  I desire to carry children who are not exposed to smoke in the womb helplessly.  I desire to maintain a household that is not filled with full ashtrays, smelly clothes and eye burning smoke.  I desire to steward our finances more efficiently.  I desire life for myself and if not myself, to give them to someone who can use them...healthy lungs.  

Now, the difficult part is not being judgmental when I see other people smoking.

Then I realize that maybe that person was never told how important they were.  How valuable their life was.   A support system that stood by them, not condescendingly but lovingly.  Possibly they saw their parents smoking all their life.  Maybe it's their only escape from life.     

I apologize smokers. 

I know it's hard.  

I'm sorry for dirty looks.  I'm sorry for my sarcastic cough.  I'm sorry for wondering if you can afford those.  I'm sorry for my insecurities because when I see you, I see myself years ago and I was ashamed of myself.  

It's not you, it's me...but I'm sorry.

Quitting did demonstrate to myself how strong I was and am.  

Quitting gave me a ministry opportunity.

Quitting gave me the knowledge to pass down to my children first hand.

Quitting gave my body another chance.

No human being is going to fight for your life harder than you will.  I know within myself that I don't have the power, strength, ability, or wisdom but I have to give it the best chance possible.

Like I have said before, there is power in bringing things to light.  Where there is light, the darkness cannot remain.  It's time to deflate the enemy.  He is on the move.

“Aslan is on the move. The Witch's magic is weakening.” -Father Christmas  

  

Spiritual What??

So here I am.
Fumbling with the keyboard.
Debating with myself.

Before I even started blogging, I have always wanted to open about spiritual warfare but I worried that it might scare people off.  I know I can't be the only one out there....so maybe if there is even one person who can relate, it's worth it???

Everyone has giftings.  Most people can identify with their giftings/talents quickly whether it's writing, drawing, musical, strong speaker, etc....and then there are people like myself.  Dabbling in just about everything trying to find what I am good at.
Being a clean freak does not count as a talent.
My talent search became more difficult once I married Justin.  This man is talented.  When I say I can't play piano, I mean dinging on it with one finger at a time.  Then J says that he can't play either but then plays some melodic song....geesh.  I didn't realize that "wasn't" playing.
Scratch piano off the list.
My drawings barely look like stick figures.  I still can't draw a 3D looking box.  I have been working on my bubble letters since freshman year..no good.
X out artist.
We had baby dedication a few Sundays ago and being on stage made me feel sick and Justin gets up there  almost every Sunday morning in front of everyone.  I don't know how he does it.  I think I am smiling but when I look back at the pictures, it looks like I am terrified.  Really?
Not a motivational speaker...or any kind of speaker.

I have always known that I was/am sensitive to the Spirit.  Certain situations/people can burden me instantly.  Now I have more understanding and know that the Holy Spirit is prompting me.  Not necessarily to give or talk but sometimes just to pray.
At church a while ago, our pastor was talking about a book that he really enjoyed and said that there were copies in the atrium if we wanted to buy one.  I walked out a bit early and saw a man who looked homeless, tattered clothing, ratty hair, dirty and he picked up a book and then he saw a sign that had a price for the book.  He quickly put the book down and looked back at me and we made eye contact................

 and he walked out the door.  I felt my heart reaching out for him, the lump in my throat growing and the tears in my eyes welling up.
I stood by the front doors and watched him walk away.
I cried for him for three days.
I still remember his face.

Sensitivity.
In the bathroom I felt like the Lord and I were crying together.  Who else was crying for him?  Maybe no one.  Maybe only me that day.
I am certain that the Lord cries out for each of His children.

Not even a year after J and I were married I started feeling a heaviness, spiritual heaviness.  I am not talking about my deceased grandparents or a ghost, but an awareness of the battle going on.  There is spiritual warfare going.  The bible is very clear about this.
This stuff is not only for the old testament or scary movies.  It's easy to picture Satan in a red suite with pointy ears and a pitch fork in the fiery pit, just "misunderstood" character.  This is not fantasy.  He is not a mythical creature.  He is not a halloween costume.
The battle is on and YOU are in the middle of it.  Right now.
Better get your armor on.

Ephesians 6:12
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I am talking very lightly about this subject but I do know when things are brought to the light, the power diminishes.  The power of the voice.
The battle will continue until He comes for his bride but at least we can be prepared.

Put on that full armor baby.

Girl Talk.

Since last summer, I really started evaluating what kind of friend I am, and then what kind of friend I want to be.  I don't consider myself to have "a lot" of friends, (which I am fine with, do not think this is a plea to tell me I have many friends) but the friends I do have, I am close and honest with.
I take friendship maintenance seriously, I know that time, care, and love have to be put into it.  I talk to the same people on a daily/weekly basis.  Besides my own mother and mother-in-law, I typically talk to the same 3 people: 

Rebecca, Lori, and Jen.
  I think for the most part, they know all my dirt or my current dirt.  I'm sure all three would agree that I am not the best person to call because for the most part, when I'm home and engaged, I don't answer.  BUT, I do my best to make sure when I do answer or call them back, that they have my full attention.
I told Becca the other day, that I would like to start a trend where when you are disinterested in the conversation, you can just hang up and that be okay.  Obviously that is where I need some more work.
Do you have specific friends that you call depending on the circumstances?  Either they get really excited for you, defend you, have sympathy for you, give sound/kind advice, loving, justice seeking...the list goes on.

Rebecca- The sister/friend.  I still feel like I can kind of boss her around and that she listens to me.  We shared a bedroom for 14 years, so we have many memories.  We share some of the same frustrations and giggles from our family.  Only she can make fun of another one of our family members...when other people do it, I ironically get angry.  We laugh together about things that others don't understand and that's my favorite part.  I feel like she has to love me unconditionally since I am her sister and I have to protect her since I am her big sister. 
She uses terms like "sissy" when referring to Lucy (which I find endearing) and gives the drink Sprite two syllable's instead of one.  When she comes around, I don't feel like I have to entertain her.  It's a relaxed relationship that developed before she had a chance to say no.  She has known me all of her life. 

Lori-The friend turned sister.  Just to clarify, I was friends with her before she started dating Brad.  Lori is a dedicated friend and family member.  She embraces family and what it means to be a sister and auntie.  Lori is fun.  She has a lot of energy and we both enjoy a lot of the same things.  The love Auntie Lolo shows my kids is incredible.  I see her love for myself and Justin through that.  I believe that she loves my kids almost as much as I do, she is always making them feel special.  We both desire to see each other, pray together, and do life.  I know that Lori would drop whatever she had going on if I needed her.  She is dependable, opinionated, and caring.
 
Jen-Where do I start with Jen??  Trustworthy and reliable.  Jen has one of the most beautiful hearts I have ever known.  She welcomed me with open arms into youth ministry before anyone else in the church gave me a second glance.  She saw something inside of me that I don't think I saw in myself.  Jen has a bold personality that people are drawn and attracted to.  Jen is creative and compassionate.  Jen and I both have a heart for justice.  I can call Jen and vent about anything and she will give a sympathetic ear.  I can always count on JenJen. 

I want lifelong friends. 
I want friends who are dependable.
I want friends who love me despite my many faults.
I want friends that love hard.
I want friends that I can pray with and that believe that our God is big.
I want friends that make me laugh until I pee.
I want friends that care about my day/week.

I want to be that friend

I have those friends.

Thank God for spiritual friendships.  Thank God for community and love.  Thank God that my personality is not too strange or big for everyone. 
I may not be your cup of tea, I may be to rough around the edges, my past may be too colorful,  too kept to myself, too much of a homebody...that's okay. 

I am always open to friendships but these three have stood the test of time, my time.  They have either always been there and/or have been there while I cried in their arms.
Thank you for being my safe place. 

It's time to be that friend.

Remember when......

Today, Bram and I were laying on the ground outside looking at the sky.  I felt like I had to keep him occupied or he would leave me...and I desperately wanted to stay in that moment.  He remained content, resting on my arm in silence...looking at a blank sky.

Easy to let moments slip by, either because of stress, looking forward to the weekend/special events, etc.
 
I wish away so many moments.
Here's to giving those moments a second chance. 
I remember talking to my mother on the phone before Rebecca was born.
I remember walking down the old wooden stairs and picking baby Rebecca out of the bassinet and walking her up the stairs into my bed. I thought she was my little doll. (scary to some new parents, huh?)
I can remember my brother Garett kicking a hole in the wall in the kitchen while mom was gone and us trying to glue it back together and at the end, G ended up hanging a picture of lady in her bathing suit over the hole...in the kitchen.
I remember a crazy chicken chasing me around on the farm, that sucker ran fast.
I remember putting on a dress and running around in the grassy field pretending I was Belle from Beauty in the Beast.
I remember my mother's soft tone growing up.
I remember always feeling ugly in middle school and junior high.  I hated my reflection.
I remember choking my brother Kyle (sorry ky) and making him cry.
I remember screwing back an old table together and feeling so handy.  I was so proud of that table. 
I remember choking on a Werthers butterscotch at church and someone giving me warm water so that it would melt and come back up. 
I remember my mom questioning whether or not I had on eyeshadow (which I did not, I would like to add) while she was driving.  I told her no but she proceed to lick her thumb and scrub my eyelid.
I remember leaving on the hose in the yard and dad coming home....
I remember every time my dad says "I love you". 
I remember hours of laughter with high school girlfriends.
I remember my selfishness.
I remember the bad choices.
I remember the redemption.
I specifically remember those who were gracious and non-judgemental.
I remember when my brother Garett was sent off to Iraq and sitting at church on a Sunday morning, crying in my chair.
I remember meeting my sister-in-law Lori at (was it Rock Bottom, Lori?) to talk.  I called her with some issues and she jumped to the idea of meeting right then to talk.  It was such a special moment to me, that she cared about me that much.
I remember my wedding day.  The wedding was great, but I just wanted to be married to Justin.
I remember seeing a "positive" on the pregnancy test after only being married 9 months and then buying four more.
I remember people saying, "well, if this year was good...just wait until year two."  Thanks for that.  We still love each other unconditionally and I think he is the most handsome/loving guy.
I remember Bram's beautiful face.  Stunning, breath taking, angel baby.  
I remember how much he cried and how little he slept.  Life changer in every sense.
I remember how much joy he has and continues to bring us.
I remember Lucy's birth (only 9 months ago).  I remember her first cry and everyone saying "yes, it is a girl".  So emotional, lovely...what a blessing. Sharing that moment/birth with Becca and Lori just topped it off.
I remember being hurt by people's words.
I remember the wonderful walk we took this afternoon in the beautiful sun with the perfect breeze.

I remember this morning when Bram woke me up at 1am complaining of pain in his foot.  I opened my covers, signaling him to get in and he snuggled next to me.
I remember him waking up again at 4am complaining of the same pain.  I started wondering if I should take him to the ER.  Justin was getting ready for work and asked Bram to sit on his lap.  I heard Justin say, "We are going to pray for your foot.  Do you know that Jesus wants to heal your foot?  Do you believe that He can heal your foot."  And I heard Bram's little voice say, "Okay."

Okay.  What an awesome response in a time of pain...........in the midst of discomfort, a three year old can say "okay" to someone he may not be able to see right now.
 "Okay, Jesus."
After Justin left, I could hear Bram praying, "My foot, dear God..."
I felt proud as a mother in that moment. 
This morning, when it was actually time to wake up, he still said that the pain was there and asked me to kiss it.  I felt an ache in my heart because I knew my kiss couldn't heal, so before kissing it we prayed again over his foot.


Sometimes when Bram sits really close to me, I close my eyes and smell him...is that strange?  I think I am trying to take in that moment, realizing how quickly they grow.  Sometimes I examine Lucy's chubby fingers and toes and try and kiss them all so so many times.
Sometimes I snuggle into Justin, while he is sleeping and take a deep breath and feel like I can't get snuggled in enough.

We will never have today again.  Myself, my husband, my children...they will never be younger than they were today.  Don't wish away moments for something better.  Maybe the best is here, would you ever purposely wish away the best?

Breath in deep, the most simple moment...this moment.  Acknowledge life, health, family, friends & memories.

blogger.com is my new counselor

Personally, I think the most embarrassing thing to discuss, bring up, or even manage in a public even private setting are finances.

We chose to live in Zionsville because it's close to family, work, church, and we feel like it's safe.  We pay too much for a townhome that we will never own.  We both drive cars that are less than impressive.  We haven't taken a vacation since we have been married. 
Justin works so hard, working full time, full time student, band life, and church responsibilities.  I do not resent him one bit because he is the hardest working man I know, but I do know the truth about our finances.

I know that some months are harder than others.
I know I like to make it look like that the stress doesn't weigh on me. 
I know it's not forever.
I know I'm not alone. 

Rent keeps rising, gas keeps rising, cost of food keeps rising. 

The month of September 2011 was one of those months.  It was a month when we had to decide whether or not we were going to pay a $50/month rent increase.  I remember praying for a door to open for a better opportunity if that is what we needed to do.  At this point I had just had Lucy 4 months prior and the thought of packing up and moving was exhausting.  Physically and emotionally I didn't know if I could handle the stress unless it was to a permanent home. 
Justin and I both realize that our home in Indiana may not be forever, we are both willing to uproot and move if we feel called to.  We knew that the time for permanent housing was not now. 

Praying.
No answer.
Open Doors.
None.
Praying.
Silence.

It's the day we have to either resign the lease or give our notice of termination. 

Really?  Nothing?  Silence?  Don't you understand that this a big deal? 
Where are you?

We decided to resign the lease because we thought it was the right thing for now. 
However, we weren't given a plan on how this was going to pan out. 

We hear messages about God's timing quiet a bit, but have you ever thought of past experiences and marveled at the timing and how your timing/my timing would have completely screwed things up? 
Easy to see after the bigger picture has set in, huh?  Trust me, our bigger picture has not been seen fully, we get glimpses of it, maybe a corner here or there...but never the complete picture.

The day after we resigned the lease will be a day that I hopefully will remember forever.
It was a hard few weeks financially which then turned into emotional stress...and that quickly can spiral out of control.
I remember looking in the fridge thinking, okay how can I make this stretch?  There was a very signifigant moment that I remember..... I remember ripping the last square of paper towel off. 
The significance to me and why it held so much weight, in my heart, I was ripping away a piece of the control. 
Yes, paper towel did all that for me.

This is harder to write than I thought it would be.  I keep finding myself get teary-eyed.  I think the pain of knowing how hard it can be, how hard it can get...I understand.  Slightly embarrassed because I "feel" like it should never be this way. 

Tough tough month.

He was silent for me. He seemed unphased and unaware. 

But He was vocalizing his love for my family to someone else. 
Instead of making everything fall into place in it's perfect way, we had to wait. 
Wait and pray.
Struggling through the silence.
Close to sleepless nights.

Justin came home that evening, the evening of the paper towel revelation and handed me an envelope. 
Inside, a check with a letter.  It was the most beautiful thing.
Justin and I both cried and held each other.
Beautiful.  How does the creator of the universe give us gifts?  I picture him looking at that moment proudly shaking his head;  I had you, it just wasn't your timing.
Isn't that just like God?   To wait until the lease is resigned, the unknown is lingering, the food is dwindling....the last piece of paper towel has been ripped away.

Thank you for those who follow in obedience when you hear his calling.  When you hear Him calling you to reach out, to use your resources, even when you question it. 

We may never know this family/person but it changed everything for that year.  Everything.

Wow, that I have a God that is relevant to my specific circumstances and lays his mighty hand over us and proclaims they are mine, they are my children.